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Newest Member: bob74 (46035)

User Topic: How to tell if it's affecting our daughter
dbellanon
♂ 39236
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My daughter is 3.5 years old. Lately she's been very defiant, throwing lots of tantrums and acting out.

I want to say that it's probably just the age. We managed to ride out the so-called "terrible twos" without too much terror, but 3 may be turning out to be different.

I feel though, like I have to be on guard in case there is something else going on. I worry that what is going on with my STBX and I is affecting her.

We haven't talked to her about the separation yet, and I think that we've managed to have life for her go on as normal for the time being. She doesn't spend time with the two of us together, but she still has her routine intact for the most part. We try not to fight in front of her (though we have had a couple of lapses in these regard, and I have no idea how much she might pick up through the walls at night). We have been more stressed, and I do worry sometimes that we are sometimes a bit too short with her...

All of this to say that I think that it's just a phase, but I don't want to make any assumptions. Are there any signs I should be looking out for, signs that could indicate that something deeper is going on related to the situation we're in?


ME: BH, 29
Her: WW, 28
DD: 5
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 243 | Registered: May 2013
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd say its a little of both. My girls seem to have faster tempers these days. I'm doing 50/50 and I suspect they feel out a little separation anxiety.

Maintaining consistency and trying to keep a tab on my tension levels seems to have helped enormously.

They may not see you fight but they pick up on the tension - especially younger kids who use non-verbal cues a lot more than older kids.

Take good care of yourself. If you're OK then they'll be OK.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5734 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
fallingquickly
♀ 36599
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW, my son was ok through the "terrible twos" but was a terror when he was three.


Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken

There came a point when it was too painful to love him, so I stopped.


Posts: 455 | Registered: Aug 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All three of my kids were angels while they were two. And when they were three? They were all psychotic clowns and I fantasized about running away from home.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10147 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
fallingquickly
♀ 36599
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


They were all psychotic clowns and I fantasized about running away from home.

I especially loved how my son liked to scream in the supermarket as if he was being murdered. He liked how it echoed. Not so much fun for me. Patience is key.


Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken

There came a point when it was too painful to love him, so I stopped.


Posts: 455 | Registered: Aug 2012
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DD here is showing definite signs of being affected...even our 'Lil Elder Cat is with different (uggh) behavior.

There are so many different pieces of advice for that situation, DBell. "We" switched back and forth, trying to see what worked, but I never could stand ignoring it, like Happy Pants does. He and siblings were taught that emotion is bad and should be had by oneself...go in the other room when you are sad, glad, or bad.

I do not wish this for my children and I want them to feel safe when they have emotions, even like you describe with your daughter.

I'm sorry there's no real piece of proactive advice, rather a passive message, but I'm thinking.

I'm taking a psychology class right now and the newer trains of thought are NOT to ignore the feelings of any age child, but to assist them-somehow-in working through.

I have a cousin who, when his DD has that behavior, he wraps her in a bear hug and doesn't say much until she finishes. He said, it's no time to argue or try to use ration but he can't stand the agony that is so real on her face and wants to do something for her...but he won't give in, either. So in order to show her she is not alone and her feelings are in some way valid, he does that.

When she is calm, he tries again and finds a different way about the same topic or problem.

She does not necessarily get her way, unless it is what he needs or the situation at hand needs, but they also talk about it after it's all done.

In my class they call this "emotion coaching" and I really like the idea...I've done it with our daughter and Happy Pants (STBX) would get annoyed. Like I said, I want her to grow up unafraid of feelings. Otherwise, how do they learn that feelings also will go by?

Bravo for trying not to fight in front of your daughter, it is commendable but not always easy. We work at if we have to speak, too.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2413 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
homewrecked2011
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Age 3 was tough, but ages 4 and 5 were my happiest ever. They are older, don't freak out as bad, still have an "awe" about them, could communicate, etc.

Here is what I did when they would have a meltdown. I'd stop everything and say,(laughingly),,, oh, yes, I know what you are wanting, you're telling me in your own words,, you want in Mama's hugging machine!!! Then I'd get on the floor and start hugging them, giving them sugars, and when they would try to get away, I'd say, oh no no no, you were asking for my hugging machine and your staying here! LOL and we would laugh and giggle and all that stuff...


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2383 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, after last week it is clear to me that I cannot share this parenting or my children's life with XWH. My son was in football, loved it, went to see Dad and quit football, he says he didn't really like it.

I asked Dad to take him to trumpet lesson while child is on his summer visitation, Dad said no, and told me son wants to quit band.

I asked Dad to take son to speech lessons and he hounded the speech therapist trying to get her to say son does not need speech.

Lesson learned. XWH is screwed up in the head, the best thing for my children is for us to leave him in the dust. He is not the same person I married. (Well maybe he was this way, but I didn't know it).


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2383 | Registered: Jan 2012
dbellanon
♂ 39236
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The "good" news is the my STBXW is aware of this problem too. She spent a day fighting our daughter's tantrums at the zoo and came home wondering what was going on, asking if I thought she was just 3, or if it was something else. So she was asking the same questions. I gave her some thoughts about how we might approach the matter, and she seemed to be mulling them over. So we are communicating about parenting, at least for now.


ME: BH, 29
Her: WW, 28
DD: 5
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 243 | Registered: May 2013
abigailadams
♀ 37556
Member # 37556
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is awesome if you can communicate about parenting.

My stbx said on Christmas which was three days after he moved out that DD was having a tantrum because I had let her sip some black tea. It was the caffeine.

So since his answer to every issue is that it is my fault, I have stopped even trying to communicate with him about anything except money and schedule.


Me BS 55
Him WS 53
Married 10 years together 13
DDay October 11, 2012

Posts: 134 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Brooklyn, NY
Bluebird26
♀ 36445
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All three of my kids were angels while they were two. And when they were three? They were all psychotic clowns and I fantasized about running away from home.

Exactly that


But she maybe suffering some anxiety as well. My youngest son suffers terribly with anxiety normally 3 days before the change over it starts and then 2-3 days afterwards it's frustrating, he doesn't cope well with change.

His therapist said exercise is the key to helping with the anxiety. Start small though as she is so young but maybe a trip to a park or running/hoping races something that distracts her and gets her heart rate up. Could be as simple as acting like a type of animal, turn it in to a game. You know run around like a monkey, until you change animal. It definitely helps, plus it can be good fun as well.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 11

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