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whatdoto posted 6/27/2013 08:51 AM

I ask this because WH is extremely Passive Aggressive. I know there will be tons of blameshifting and it's all about him and how much he thinks he's done for the M.

I haven't told him I filed.

What has been your experience divorcing a man like this? What are some things I could expect?

I am very nervous about telling him. He's a manchild and very emotionally immature and a non-communicator.

Thank you

Amazonia posted 6/27/2013 08:52 AM

My ex husband is very passive aggressive. I didn't really care what he thought. He had moved out at DDay, so I just sent the paperwork to him and said, "Sign this." and he did. It was actually kind of easy, because he was too passive to fight back at all.

Williesmom posted 6/27/2013 09:07 AM

Yup. I did the same as Ama, but I waited until he came home after a night of lurve with the hussy. He had been drinking, and signed away everything.

Part of the PA side that sucked was that he wouldn't get out of my house. I had to actually move all of his crap myself when he was on a weekend of lurve.

movingforward13 posted 6/27/2013 10:21 AM

I am divorcing one now. He is out of my house though so I pay him no mind. Remember, everything that is done by him to you is to get a reaction out of you. He is using you to express the anger he can't. If will drive him crazy if you don't respond. If he hits you will something direct, call him out on it... "You seem angry, maybe I should give you time to yourself". What ever you do, do not react in an angry response. You will feed his passive aggressiveness if you do

Amazonia posted 6/27/2013 10:27 AM

I had to actually move all of his crap myself when he was on a weekend of lurve.

Oh yeah, I moved my ex's stuff out too. I had to threaten to donate everything to goodwill to get him to agree to bring a truck over.

whatdoto posted 6/27/2013 10:43 AM

I can't make him move out technically, because it's his inheritance, unless there is too much ridiculousness that it affects DS then I will have L draw up papers to make him move. He's got a few sisters and the parents to room with that are local (if that can be done).

I just called my L. WH will be served tomorrow. I will be home with DS in the event WH leaves work like he did when I told him I outed him and OW to her BH.

Thank goodness for my IC, I have a pretty good handle on not getting sucked in. I'm really good at "ignore" now. Thanks for the reminder.

Ashland13 posted 6/27/2013 16:12 PM

ME!

Perverted Happy Pants is both passive aggressive and narcissistic and the combination is devastating to be on the receiving end. He's other things too, that were hidden over many years.

He was/is so passive that he had me to tears with problems before he would fix them. Now he has told his lawyer and friends who will listen, "my wife is an emotional mess and I can't fix her." It was a horrible cycle neither of us recognized and when I tried to point it out during false R, when he was "done" being false, he made horrible fun of my efforts ...and the marriage counselor, who recognized it the second visit.

Anyway...

The very first thing that would be my opinion is two-fold. If there is any possible way on earth to get anything done without your wh's "help", do it that way!!!! This is what I do in my 'new life' and though it takes even longer to get to any finish lines, I always have a feeling of pride in completing a problem or task without him.

Yes, the blame-shifting was so powerful it almost had me convinced, but it's one benefit of counseling I didn't know about prior to going. I have two separate counselors now who can vouch for me and said they will if he comes at me with any more.

Yes, Perv/Happy Pants matches the description of your WH, What to do, and I think it's why he never hired a lawyer before I did, nor was he going to. He would have just eaten cake for decades.

I don't think you have to tell him, if you're too nervous and could make it the beginning of yourself learning to be covert, as I am in the processing of doing. It's messing with my head to be covert from my own spouse, but every time I am not, it's a lesson I learn.

Perv/Happy Pants saved up hostilities from apparently 20 years ago, even, never told me even one of them, until he had met OW and planned his exit. Then they came out like bullets from a gun, spitting and spewing at me as if she had probably pumped him with courage to do it.

He was not ever going to talk about them and try to fix it and some of them I still blink and shake my head at how asinine and easy to fix they would be.

This is passive aggression, though, he needed someone to give him the courage against me to get the passive part out and she provided that.

Sorry to write too long about me, I was just trying to give an example or two without being general or labeling.

I wish you luck through this part. I did it recently and it tore me apart inside, even with all that I knew he had done without a care.

Housefulloflove posted 6/27/2013 20:55 PM

Like Ashland I'm also dealing with a PA narc. And like most posts Ashland make I can just say "what she said."

"He's a manchild and very emotionally immature and a non-communicator. " That pretty much sums up the PA man. Talking to him makes me feel like I'm divorcing a child. When he is willing to say what he thinks or feels his complaints and expectations are so ridiculous that it's amazing that it's being texted or is coming out of the mouth of a grown man. He doesn't seem to understand the severity of anything that has happened or is happening and that includes this divorce.

But because he is PA, his way of trying to get what he wants is to be a whiny baby about it. So far it hasn't gone much beyond him saying stupid things and doing nothing. :::Fingers crossed:: the rest of the divorce process will include the same inaction.

abigailadams posted 6/27/2013 21:12 PM

I am in the process of divorcing a PA man.

All I can say is that it will take a long time! While my stbx asked for the divorce as he is in love, he has done nothing to make it happen. And of course then he complains that it is taking so long.

And at least in my case, my stbx does many small annoying things to try to provoke me. I am learning to just let that stuff go. All I can say that ativan before I have to see him for pick ups and drop offs really helps me stay calm.

dumped&replaced posted 6/27/2013 22:33 PM

Oh boy - will do my best to keep this short and sweet but, as you can see by the other replies, YOU actually taking control and filing for divorce is going to ROCK HIS WORLD.

Should you tell him? I did... only because my lawyer advised me too...but it didn't go well. He kept saying " I don't have to accept the papers ya know" and " how could you do this? what about the kids?"....he was PISSED.

What to expect?

More burying his head in the sand about the, um MAJOR role he played in you filing for divorce....over and over again (at least at first) "Did you REALLY file for divorce?"...you see the P/A man got himself into this whole pickle by avoiding reality and/or honest communication in the first place...but this is BIG and he really will HAVE to deal with it...therein lies the problem...these people don't DEAL with anything in an honest, open communication sort of way. It's foreign to their way of relating to people...

Perv/Happy Pants saved up hostilities from apparently 20 years ago, even, never told me even one of them, until he had met OW and planned his exit. Then they came out like bullets from a gun, spitting and spewing at me as if she had probably pumped him with courage to do it.

LOL this quote from Ashland is DEAD ON!!! (PS I am still chuckling at your nickname for him...mine was dumbass for years but I'm trying to stop that hahaha)...but yeah...I heard the same crap...how all the "moves" around the country (for his job - everyone was always an idiot except for him) --all those moves were just a distraction because he was so unhappy with me...oh and btw? He got married too young (at age 26 mind u)...

whattodo? Brace yourself because you are about to see the P/A narcissist at his finest (sorry "sickest") and there is NOTHING you can say or do to make it better.

Sorry for the ramble, let me just say this:

YOU DID NOT CREATE THIS, YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT AND YOU CAN'T FIX IT.

Engage with him as little as possible...don't argue with him...keep all contact as short as possible and in email/text format and stay strong.

Life out here on the other side is freakin AWESOME...you just have to get through the transition.

PM me if you want...I've probably heard it all hahahaha...hugs:)

Bluebird26 posted 6/28/2013 00:30 AM

I did. I did all the paperwork otherwise he would still have control. He can still be 'married' and have his affairs too which he was perfectly happy to do so. By me filing it took the control away from him.

I also made him pay half the money (should have made him pay it all but would have been waiting even longer) before I filed. He was in a hurry for the divorce so he could run off and marry his whore.

Yet the funny thing is he no showed at court, he didn't lodge a change of address form, he didn't get his mail redirected after he moved (because I'm not doing everything for him anymore)and then gets angry at me about him not receiving his paperwork. He is still making all sorts of threats about me not 'giving' him his paperwork. Not my job anymore time to put on your big boy panties and doing shit yourself.

I also packed up all his crap and made him move it out of my house otherwise he probably still wouldn't have got rid of it and I have moved 2 times since then

trebleclef posted 6/28/2013 03:22 AM

My divorce from PA XWH ( relishing that "x"!) came through today.
What his PA-ness meant for me was a thirteen month wait. Endless endless waiting. Hasn't met a deadline yet. Still hasn't filed income tax since 2010. I had to forgo any alimony or spousal support simply because it would have required that paperwork and it would NEVER get
submitted. Had to have the divorce "divorced"'from property settlement to make it happen in this lifetime. NOW faced with that Mt. Everest, and a mediator who is about to terminate us because although XWH is charming and agrees "in principle" to most things- he doesn't actually DO any of it. Ever. That way he can look good AND have control/punish me at the same time. I believe his secret motto has always been, "you dare ask? Of course I'll do it. NOT!"