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The hurt Bs wants it to stop

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Joanh posted 6/27/2013 09:24 AM

Last night was sad. My H had to go to work. Said he had thought he trusted me. And realized he didn't. When he surprised me coming home last weekend I thought he had some relief. I was where i said I was and what i was doing. However the children were home. There play date was scheduled wrong whiich I had told him and it was and it allw as in a few minutes of him getting home. He had hoped I would be alone and doing what I said I was doing. I am at a loss. I couldn't change that scenario. Just to give him some relief . So now he's at work. Scared hurt and heartbroken. And I can't do anything. We skype we talk. I am living my life with integrity. He wants the hurt to go away. He thinks it should be better now and not hurt so much He won't read or talk to anyone else. All he has is me and he doesn't feel like I have his back. Which is what I've done. What more can I do. Any other BS or WS input would be great. Especially if either partner has to work away. We can't change the work right now. Or at least he's not willing too. We are working to try and make it so he doesn't have to work away.

confused615 posted 6/27/2013 09:29 AM

You're 6 months out from dday. The shock is starting to wear off,reality is setting in,and he's probably going to go into the anger phase.

Time,communication,honesty,love,and time. You have to feel it to heal it.

It just takes so damn much time.

Joanh posted 6/27/2013 10:04 AM

From what I read I believe so too. He feels he can't express it to me. He can be pissed off at the AP and vent that way. But he Can't do anything to me if he wants to keep or marriage. I keep telling him to say what he needs to but he holds back. I know when he does let loose I end up breaking down. I try not to though and try ti just listen. And then he feels like shit cause he's hurt me ! I try and tell him its ok. I am staying I'm not going anywhere. He doesn't believe me which I understand. He wrote me a letter he won't give me cause he says he wants our marriage to work. Nit get worse. How do I show him it's ok. When he's down he's asked that I nit fall down with him. So I don't. I may break down. But I then I work at being ok. And trying to keep moving forward as he asks. I don't stay down if I can help it. We use to spend days like that. A vicious cycle. Now I work hard to pull us out. Am I doing it wrong? I am si confused somedays

numb&dumb posted 6/27/2013 10:13 AM

Sincere apologies help me. Specific ones related to situation at hand or to a specific part of the feelings I am having. (e.g.-I am so sorry that I have given you a reason not to trust me. I am trying very hard to not give you any new reasons not to trust me.)

Showing your pain that you feel when you see him could also help.

Consistent actions that match words, transparency, share your sincere feelings, apologies. These all work, but they have to be consistent over a period of time before he will feel better.

Any books, IC or anything you have been doing that you can share with him.

At the end of the day, he has to face this one way or another. He has decide what he wants and how he plans to work through it. Many different options available, but as long as it is something healthy not destructive.

6 months out is really a rough time. The shock wears off the reality sets in. It is normal. He needs to work through it in order to get to acceptance. Anger usually shows up around this time too.

confused615 posted 6/27/2013 10:15 AM

Is he on SI?

I understand what he is doing..but he's wrong. Communication is vital in a marriage. If he doesn't learn to open up,the pain will eat him from the inside out.

OTOH..he may not feel safe opening up to you just yet. Your dday was very recent.

Im sorry you're both hurting.


Twitchy posted 6/27/2013 10:20 AM

DD 1 - Oct 2007
DD 2 - Dec 2008

Still here.

Still not over it. Still hurting.

But it's better. We're closer. Just takes for-freaking ever.

sisoon posted 6/27/2013 11:57 AM

I'm sorry to say he's responsible for his own healing. He's got to recognize, own, and process his feelings.

Unfortunately, in this case, you can't make him do anything. You can suggest he read here, just to get an idea how other men are dealing with betrayal. You can also get a copy of Not "Just Friends" and suggest he read it - maybe he'll pick it up if it's easily available.

The Betrayed Men thread in ICR may be good viewing for him.

All you can do is work on yourself, and on your M in the areas he's available for. Actually, it sounds like you're doing about all you can - keep asking what he wants and doing your best to deliver it.

I don't trust my W as much as I hope to. Recovery simply takes a long time.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:57 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Rebreather posted 6/27/2013 12:03 PM

I had a bit of a hard time following your post, but if I read it correctly, why couldn't the play date have been canceled or changed? Once betrayed, we need the betrayer to chose us first. Always.

Have you read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair?" It may offer some additional guidance on things you can do to assist him.

Joanh posted 6/27/2013 12:08 PM

I did order that book. In audio as he has hard time reading. And it made him mad. His response was he not being nice to me and loving. What is that going to do for him. It's just telling him other people have gone through iy. He knows that. What else could it do. Do I think he needs more help.
So... It's a hard place to be. I do think he needs more but he sees it as me rushing it to. Then he tells me he wants it ti go away. So what do I do. ?

Joanh posted 6/27/2013 12:18 PM

The play date for the kids was on a different Friday. Long story basically I screwed up which Friday it was. It wasn't thae fact the play date got canceled. More that he had hoped it hadn't. So he could come knowing I didn't know he was coming. He wanted to show up surprise me and prove to himself I was doing what said. I had been planning to do some garden work whilethe kids were at their playmate. And that's how he wanted to find me. In other words wanted to prove that when I was alone I didn't have the ap with me. Now I couldn't change the fact that the play date was cancelled but I had given him and update as too the changes and I was doing exactly what i said. But it wasn't good enough to prove to him. Does that make sense

lostworld posted 6/27/2013 12:40 PM

You are doing what you can in providing him complete transparency, reassurance, patience, affirmation, honesty, and integrity. It appears he is not considering seeing a therapist, either for IC or MC. That can be a hurdle for BS's who don't want to publicize misfortune, or are very self-contained and private, or simply see no value in counseling.

For me, I was open to therapy and was the driving force in my H and myself seeking it, and it was worth every dollar and hour spent. If your H feels he has no one to talk to, and that you don't have his back, I would discuss a 3-6 month trial of therapy for him/us--whichever he'd find most palatable. I'd approach it by telling him that you know you put him in this awful place and are eternally sorry for doing so. That you will do anything to help him, yourself, and the marriage, and you think, given the nearly insurmountable grief and betrayal foisted on him, that a trusted and trained therapist could be incredibly valuable. By suggesting a time limited trial of therapy, your H may feel more receptive and inclined to seek help for himself.

I think it's important to let him know that you're not suggesting therapy because he is broken, but rather as a way to help him deal with the brokenness your A introduced into the marriage. He needs an "ally" and a venting place that is safe and potentially healing; right now he doesn't seem to feel that place can be provided by you. That's ok, even quite normal. He is likely feeling all kinds of strong emotions, but appears to be judging himself as a resul ie "He thinks it should be better now and not hurt so much." I found therapy very helpful in reevaluating and dismissing those nonproductive "shoulds." Perhaps he would discover the same.

Clearly I'm advocating IC/MC, but if he refuses, you need to continue on your path of openness and integrity. As Rebreather said, try to get rid of or minimize anything unexplained or unaccounted for so he knows he is always the first, most thought out choice.

Joanh posted 6/27/2013 19:14 PM

Thank you to everyone again for their insight ideas and encouragement and truths. I will talk with him when he comes home , maybe it will help. Who knows its a very percarious rope I walk on when I mention anything. :-(
Thank you again.

Emptyshelldad posted 6/28/2013 00:28 AM

I am a bh and I work in north dakota and I can tell you it's very hard on me. I always wonder where she is and what or rather who she is doing at this moment. I know that sounds bad, but this pain rips the core of a man out and leaves him hollow.
what sometimes helps me is my lady texting me often and doing a lot of Google talk video chats. and of course she is available chats immediately so I know who is with.her. mostly just genuine apology, and lots of reinforcement of.her love our marriage. I mean even now I don't get enough from her and I'm not about to tell her cause then it just seems forced. I want her to want it, not just do it because I ask her, ya know.

Joanh posted 6/28/2013 00:40 AM

Empty. Thank you. I do text often. Sometimes I think too often. Can that be? And am available to chat I keep my skype open on my bed as I sleep so he can call anytime. We are having a hard time getting it on my iPhone. It won't let me upload. Thinking I might get a new model to remove that problem. And I am sorry for your pain. I see it in my H eyes

OnAnIsland posted 6/28/2013 02:09 AM

, does he have an apple device? FaceTime can be super easy for communicating between 2 iPhones or an iPhone and iPad, etc. And you can leave it up for checkin as well.

You seem to be doing all you can ,but rebuilding trust takes time. And he may be trying to create tests to prove you are trustworthy- hence the rigidity of reaction when things aren't exactly as he expected them to be. Keep trying and coming up with innovative ways to prove you are where you say you are, doing what you say you are doing..

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 2:10 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

avicarswife posted 6/28/2013 03:57 AM

My WH has a GPS app on his phone that I can check if I want. Along with time stamped pxts and regular texts.

Sincere apologies help me. Specific ones related to situation at hand or to a specific part of the feelings I am having. (e.g.-I am so sorry that I have given you a reason not to trust me. I am trying very hard to not give you any new reasons not to trust me.)

The sincere apologies that are specific do help me too.

Does he come on SI. It really does help to let it all out with others who understand what you are going through.

There are lots of betrayed men who can understand where he is coming from.

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