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How could you

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Joanh posted 6/27/2013 09:52 AM

The how could you do that to me came up again last night. What does a person say. I turned off I wanted to only to feel better. What a frickn oxymoron is that. I feel worse. At the time when I was with the ap I thought I felt better. Trying to explain that. I was selfish I know that self centered. I was lost even to myself. But none of that can ever be a good enough reason. There is no reason. I'm learning that when I'm scared hurt angry I shut down. I bury it deep so I can function. I have not been able to deal or communicate those feelings or allow them. I just was angry all the time. Felt like life had given me lemons. How fucked up is that. Everyone envied my life. And I was unhappy and depressed. Looking for more allways. How do I get my H to understand that. Between that and him wanting the hurt to go away is destroying him.
Most of the time I can't believe I did it either. What is wring with me. Am I sixteen. I acted like a teenager a spoilt little brat. At 42 you would think I had grown up or at least learnt from my first A. It was never dealt with I hid it and buried it.
All this bullshit. No wonder my H can't figure out how could I.
I understand both times I shut down. I quit giving myself. I allowed myself to fall and I think I wanted to. I didn't believe I was lovable didn't believe believe people would like who I was. I was a good actress. The only thing I was real was a mom. My children get all of me. And even that I took away during my A. Another thing I will have to live with
Sorry fir the long vent. I'm not sure what it's. About this post. I feel like saying boo fckn hoo to me. Pick up your big girl pants and suck it up.
Time that word really sucks.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/27/2013 11:25 AM

Does this mean your BH is now wanting to talk about your As? Up until recently you said he just wanted it to "go away."

I 100% resemble your vent about how you felt during your As. I got stressed out about work, felt like "the under-appreciated mom," became intensely resentful about my childhood trauma, and I wrongly projected all that onto my BH and M. This is what I've learned from SI (thank you Betrayed Men!) and therapy.

You said you're in IC. Do you like your C, do you feel like she's helping you? Mine has been amazing about helping me identify why I'd cut myself off from my emotions. Do you know yet, why you shut down?

In another thread today you said your BH is reluctant to share his feelings because he doesn't want to hurt you. But isn't that pretty much what caused you to have As in the first place? To quote you:

I'm learning that when I'm scared hurt angry I shut down. I bury it deep so I can function. I have not been able to deal or communicate those feelings or allow them. I just was angry all the time. Felt like life had given me lemons.

Tell your BH (assuming this is true) that it was exactly your unwillingness to talk about your unhappiness, with BH, that led to your As. Talking is hard, repressing and escaping is easy. And look how fantastic that worked out for us!

t/j: I wrote that very "lemons" line to an AP, in the email that caused DDay. On our wedding anniversary a month later, BH gave me a big bowl of lemons. Later that day he gave me a beautiful gift of perfume. I so do not deserve him.

Joanh posted 6/27/2013 11:49 AM

My H puts out the questions in a rhetorical way, not really wanting an answer or maybe not ready to listen? I'm not sure. When he asks quite often he gets angry when I start to answer and sorry for even asking. Most of the time he doesn't want to talk about it. It will happen in a conversation that is usually not even conected to the A . Something triggers it. Sometimes it will be because I do bring up some of my triggers .Which I feel sometimes I should keep my mouth shut then other times I think that would be being the old me. If that makes sense. My ability to shut down.. is to function. I come from a long line of strong women who persevered through crappy times and its expected you do what you have to do. Sexual abuse is part of it and I'm thinking something changed me at about age 3. I became needing to know. I don't have lot of memories of me being young. just always snooping, listening, watching. I do that today. I know its a protection mechanism, kinda pre emptive type of action. But with all of that knowledge it still feels like its usless info still no reason for what I did. should haves are very strong, but then I guess thats part of the self hate and shame.
AS for my IC not so sure of his work I don't know if he's helpful, Going to set up another appoint . AS for my H talking to me about his feelings. I think I will write it down again. I am still having a hard time to be in the moment and have a discussion. I have to write it down. My emotions are continuously there that a lot of time I can't speak or say what I want. Cause I just end up crying. If I write it atleast its there even when I have to take a moment to regain my composure to continue I don't loose what I want to say. I am afraid to say anything though as he gets mad that I can't just not talk about it. So. thats allways a catch 22.

MissesJai posted 6/27/2013 11:58 AM

Oh man, I used to dread the "how could you" question. No answer will suffice - understandably so. What makes you think your IC isn't effective?

Joanh posted 6/27/2013 12:12 PM

Yes it's a hated question. Have a hard time even answering myself. It all sounds so bloodily lame and shameful and childish. IC seems to be focus on the top doesn't seem to get deeper not sure if it's C not wanting to disturb my past. He's says if I have dealt with it it should stay. But I'm not sure I have So much going on I'm not sure of what is affecting me or not right now

MissesJai posted 6/27/2013 12:33 PM

Hmm - well, if you don't delve into the past, you have no way of knowing how you got to where you are today. I would press your IC to push you harder.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/27/2013 12:44 PM

Am I to understand that your C is saying your past should just stay buried, if you've "dealt with it" already? Umm, if I'm understanding you correctly: find a new C! Honey, you clearly haven't dealt with it. I'm a CSA survivor too. We often cut ourselves off from our emotions as a defense mechanism, during childhood--and never turn them back on! "Strong" was the only emotion I held onto, so I could protect myself from the assholes of the world. I've only been to IC twice, and have already started reconnecting with my emotions, cuz my C is the bomb.

Your posts are heavily laced with shame and self-loathing. CSA survivors often carry deep shame, even though being abused wasn't our fault. Like many of us do, you (probably subconsciously) became abusive; As are abusive.

You know what was a huge lightbulb moment for me? My C, within 15 minutes of meeting me, figured my 6-year-old daughter triggered me, reminded me of myself at the age I was abused. All those feelings of shame, resentment, anger, rushed back with a vengeance.

This is why you need to "disturb your past." If your C is truly reluctant to do that, you're not going to heal IMO.

badchoice posted 6/27/2013 13:39 PM

I agree with the above 20v1 and MJai - You can't heal yourself without examining your past, and IMO, you can't understand your decisions, until you understand the foundation that you have built yourself on.

At 42 you would think I had grown up or at least learnt from my first A. It was never dealt with I hid it and buried it.

-I too buried my first A, didn't look at the reasons, deal with my shitty boundaries, or FOO. Just swept it under the rug. That doesn't work so well.

I also agree with you - the answers to how could you do sound lame - they are selfish, and when I boil it all down, it was because I could and wanted to do it. (again IMO) All of the FOO issues, and reasons why are figured out so I understand the thought processes that were in place, and why I acted so selfishly, and learn new, healthy coping skills to NOT do it again.

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