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[This message edited by Anya at 5:56 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

Anya, big hugs to you bc not only have you been deceived but he is making zero effort to comfort you, repair the damage HE has created (I note he is willing to throw the ow under the bus saying she "overstepped") and deal w his depression.

He has a lot of work to do. Can you read about the 180 in the Healing Library and see if that is sometthing you can manage?

You cannot do this alone. Talk to a good friend - someone you can trust. Cry. Feel the pain that he has caused and ask yourself if you truly want to work things out w him. Other than that, eat well, try to sleep, exercise and come here often for support

You will hear from others soon enough.

LA

Anya needs some help so I am hoping more of you with some experience will respond.

hugs Anya, i wish i could be more helpful. Big, big hugs. keep coming back, reading, its very helpful.

Oh Anya, you can't reason and think your way through this at this stage, likely. Often a WS this early after DDay lies so much to themselves, their BS, everyone, that trying to put those lies together into a puzzle picture that makes sense is futile.

Detach a little...okay, a lot. Take care of YOU, drink plenty of water, sleep, go for walks, get some footing and some space to just take care of you.

He needs IC, you probably could get some relief from it, too, because what you have experienced, my friend, is called TRAUMA.

You cannot solve your relationship issues rationally if he refuses 1) to be rational and 2) to participiate.

He tells HER she overstepped, surely she did. But how about him for gtting into it that deeply himself? Do you believe the A was not physical? I truly have no idea, but I do know that cheaters lie. He would be the exception to the rule if he revealed the entire truth in this department.

The bit about your emotional outbursts driving him away is garbage and classic blameshifting. How much further away can he get??? He already went outside the relationship before you even knew about it. And he's threatening you that YOU are driving him away - like HE is the grand prize here?? Really, a cheating partner is the prize???

Please read up on the 180 - so far as I can see, him deciding to stay in his current state of lack of empathy and being unremorseful is nothing to be celebrated.

180.

180.

180.

[This message edited by JustWow at 3:18 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

[This message edited by Anya at 5:56 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

((((Anya))))

This is so hard. You see the man you love in pain, he is causing you pain and you can't reach him. I have been here.

I will say that there was nothing I could do or say to change him. It took the devastation of Dday, seeing the pain he caused me, risking losing everything, before he could confront his own demons.

Protect yourself. The A is a symptom, IMHO. If he won't get help you will continue to suffer unless you disengage.

Good luck.

(((Anya)))

So sorry you are here and going through all this pain. Your life has been nuked and you need to tuck-in and take care of yourself first. Take the time you need begin your healing. You've started reading the 180 - great! Continue reading the Healing Library and posting here. So much support and wisdom will be offered.

Here's the thing - life is messy. For so many (too many) of us here, the As came into our lives when our partners were already going through some other major life event - drug/alcohol addiction, personality disorders, mental illness, menoupause, or in your case depression. But none of these things caused them to cheat - that was a decision they made, in coping or not coping with their other problems. You cannot fix this alone. You cannot love him, or nice him into R (reconciliation) or your M (marriage). You can and must take care of you.

I would agree with your H on this - no MC at this time. What's the point? He's throwing out such hostility and blameshifting onto you I think it would be pointless. However, I think the right IC could really help, him and you. He may well require medication, if he's truly depressed, and that can take weeks to take effect. He needs to get off his ass and get into counseling.

Also, you can most definitely draft a NC letter together even if they're still sharing a work environment. It's been done many times and there are some examples in the Healing Library. This is a good place to begin reclaiming your safety. Have him write the letter and give it to you to send. You need a NC letter more than ever when they work together.

I'm sending you strength in these early days - its so hard, we've all been there and know your suffering (((Anya)))

You know, you've put up with a year of 'depression' where he was basically treating you with indifference, and blaming it on his so-called condition.

YET, he somehow found the desire to engage in an affair, so this completely contradicts everything he says.

I agree with the others. Engage in the 180 or this man will drive you insane.

Dear Anya,

I think I know how frightening it feels to see the person you love be so numb to you and your relationship and to say things like he has no feelings for you, positive or negative. He does sound depressed and unfortunately only he is the one who can do something about that.

But, you can help yourself with IC and when you do I think you'll begin to see that it will affect him and your relationship with him. Not that you want IC only to do something for him. It is definitely and primarily a benefit for you. But even so, I have found it starts to change the dynamics of the relationship, and that is movement.

I wish I could tell you that would make everything work out the way you think you want it to right now. I don't know all the ways it will change your relationship with him, but I do know that it will, even without him doing anything. Any action causes a reaction, just a rule of nature!

This is such a hard time to live through. But you will be ok in the end. And I think you'll look back and see how your own strengths have maybe blossomed and feel proud of what you have done. In addition, whether you see it right now or not, you will be such a positive role model for your children in demonstrating how to deal with personal relationships. My son recently complimented me on my resiliency and he said I've given he and his sister a model for that in their life, too.

So please hang in there and work on yourself and ways to find your own strengths and peace. And reach out to others who can help support you when you need it.

Oh Anya, I'm so sorry you've had to join our club. All of us here have gone through the trauma you're facing. I'm five months out and every day is still hard to get through. But we somehow do get through it.

Gently, rIght now you need to assume everything he has told you is a lie. It sounds to me like he needs a serious wake up call. Take the power back and give him the wake up call. It's hard, but you need to get your bitch boots on and draw the line in the sand. He has traumatized you. He has wronged you. He has put your family and health at risk. There is a saying often used here that "you need to be willing to lose your marriage to save it." I told my WH to get out and that was when he woke up and realized what he was going to lose.

I would tell him I've have had enough of his depression. It's not healthy for anyone and he needs to get help or leave. I told my WH he needs to tell me every detail, the whole truth, and if I found out he's lying I'd divorce him. He spilled every detail.

You really can not reconcile with someone who is not remorseful. It's not possible. Honestly, if my WH had said that to me after d-day I would have hefty bagged his crap on the porch and changed the locks while he was at work. It's hard, but you need to set the terms and conditions you will tolerate and stick to it.

In the meantime, I would get your cell phone records and see if the texting timeframe matches with his timeline. You should also have access to all Internet/email accounts. He needs to become totally remorseful and transparent or he needs to get out and let you start healing on your own.

You will get through this. Read through the healing library. Hugs and best wishes to you. We're all here for you.

[This message edited by Anya at 5:57 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

[This message edited by Anya at 5:57 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

Thank You for your support. Now in Counselling.

Good luck in counseling.

We are always here too. Take good care of yourself.