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Emotional again

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dindy posted 6/27/2013 12:11 PM

So I've been really emotional the last few days and I seem to be in shock again about what has happened. It's 5 months today since DDay.

I know I am so much better off without xWS and all his lying and deception. But I am still struggling with the fact that the person whom I thought I had a good life with, not to mention our beautiful 2 young children, was not enough for him.

The fact he admitted he loved me less when I became a mother to his children cuts deep. What kind of a man would do that. All of the dads I know have said thank you to their wives and partners for bringing their children into the world and show with actions how much they cherished their women for this. I also had two really difficult labours with my chikdren. Not once in 8.5 years did my xWS even take me out.

I really wish him luck as I know he will never be capable of having a healthy relationship with another woman. He has too many issues and I know he only went to 2 IC sessions. He is far too much of a coward to look inside himself and fix what is broken.

I know that now I have got a lot of emotions out I can start focusing on myself again. I'm just so shattered from looking after 2 small children by myself. The 2 days they spend with their father I work 2 eight hour shifts without a break just so that I can be entitled to benefits. A new law at my work means that I can no longer work more than 8 hours.

Life feels like a battle for survival at the moment and xWS has no idea the damage he has caused to me and my children.

I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself and wishing that life will get easier soon. :(

Thank you for listening.

lostmommy posted 6/27/2013 12:25 PM


SBB posted 6/27/2013 18:08 PM

The sad clown always wanted to be a father. He begged me to have children. The minute I was pregnant he abandoned me emotionally. I simply could not believe it. We hardly did things together as a family. He was always working/tired/stressed/need to relax.

We have ONE single photo of the 4 of us. One. I had to guilt him into sitting for it - my youngest DD was a few days old at the time.

Once the initial shock subsides and the fog clears we are left looking out at a vast wasteland.

I get it. I hit that point a few months out too. I started seeing the green shoots of my NB just beyond the border of this wasteland.

Its not the life I set out to have, not the life that I worked so hard for, not the life I imagined for my children.

But those dreams are dead - I needed to grieve them along with my dead husband. I do still have a dream and it is achievable, unlike my old dreams which I was never going to achieve whilst married to that guy.

Its OK to feel sad friend. Grieving is not a straight line - you go through all the stages at different times and in different orders. And more than once.

These bouts will become further apart and shorter in duration. Acceptance was incredibly painful but essential to my healing.

I don't want to get stuck in that cycle of blaming him for everything. I am at this starting point because of his choices - where I'm going is up to me.

Ashland13 posted 6/27/2013 20:25 PM

We have a lot of loss to mourn if we are on SI, in my opinion. I've asked this question of several people, because I finally know the level of deceit that was in our house when Happy Pants (formerly Perv) was here. I know all of that and yet I just cry. I see happiness in the world, I can't get away from romance and couples, but I can't get away from this sadness, either.

Some people have said it's because it's life that's dreams of the future and a life we thought would be here when tomorrow came.

What you say, Dindy, is basically what he told me...that I was not exciting enough to him in the sack, so he messed up all of our lives to go and find that excitement outside of our M rather than work on it like I begged to. When he finally mentioned this, he already had OW in his pocket. He was silent for a long time about what he felt and wife be damned, fixed it himself.

Like you, he said horrible and insulting things to me, but only after he had an OW to give him the courage.

He told me the one time he was happy in M was when DD came, but people we know on both sides say that's not right and I have many pictures to say that, too.

I feel like you where I do not wish him luck, but I do know that he won't get what he thinks he can with OW because it's from inside him and he won't face it. He will change the people in his life and ruin theirs and never fix it.

He has siblings who are various types of addicts who do the same thing and spend the time blaming the world and all that's wrong and not themselves.

I, too am five months out, though a year and a half alone. And yes, I too have the emotions, it's terrible. IC said I should be better with them, but the tears will come or the grief and anger comes out of nowhere.

I had it at work today and almost could not speak. And the place is full of happy people, kids and uninvolved or married people who walk around singing or making small talk that I just don't have (it's a place full of school music teachers). It felt like life was mocking me again.

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