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Old wayward thought processes creeping in

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badchoice posted 6/27/2013 14:04 PM

I see them coming-

The obsessing, wondering what my BW is up to, what she is doing, and I see this as a way of wanting to control things and outcomes. It hasn't worked in the past, and not working now.

I feel lonely, and alone. A huge red flag for me because of my FOO issues and my As were a way to avoid feeling those things. I miss having someone, I am seeing how not OK I am being alone.

I feel resentment - because my BW doesn't want to R-not acting on it, but I feel it burning inside of me.

I feel the big empty hole inside of me that needs to be filled, I just don't know how to fill it at this point in my healing. I feel like the hole is swallowing me.

I can understand the dynamics of why I contacted APs (in the past, still NC), because i knew they would respond to me. They were just as broken as I.

I guess the good news is that I am aware of these feelings, but the pity party continues right now.

Unagie posted 6/27/2013 15:01 PM

So now that you recognize it what are you doing to change it? What are you doing to keep the focus on you?

uncertainone posted 6/27/2013 15:05 PM

Grief and sadness are not wayward thought processes. Feeling alone is not either.

Sometimes I think we forget not every emotion that isn't Mai Tai's and Yahtzee (thank you, SO)can still be normal, healthy, appropriate.

Feeling lost, missing someone, feeling alone, angry, sad after a failed relationship (especially one we paid a huge role in the ending) are all very valid responses.

Sometimes, though, the hole we feel is the absence of coping tools we used that we now recognize aren't healthy. If that is part of what you're going through you might look at that and see what you need to replace those with.

It may be the skill of sitting with pain. Not needing to fix, kill, numb it but just be with it. Recognize that, in time, with healing it will pass and you'll have something new that you've learned.

Badchoice, while you state you see these as remnents of childhood and not being ok alone, seperate the feelings from the solutions you used to use.

Lonely and alone...normal feelings at times in our lives because we may very well be both those things at that time. Taking two people and calling in the morning isn't a solution, though.

Loneliness is a great introduction to ourselves, though. You can learn so much about yourself if you block out all the background noise of others and chat, uncomfortably at first, with that stranger inside you. They can be quite enjoyable and enlightening.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 3:09 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

badchoice posted 6/27/2013 16:40 PM

I struggle with wanting to make the feelings go away. Not wanting to sit with them, and feel the unpleasantness that is my life right now.

The old me would have tried to run - email AP, stay busy as to not give myself time to feel, done anything to avoid feeling.

Today, I am painfully aware that those skills do not do me any good. And yes UO, I think that is the hole. But what goes there instead?

Unagie-I should open one of the many books I have that will nurture, or at least help me identify my flaws tonight. Learn more about myself. Stand up for me and take care of myself. I plan on cooking myself dinner tonight. Minor battle, but a victory none the less in my book.

Unagie posted 6/27/2013 16:43 PM

Loneliness is pretty terrible but being alone isn't. You need to learn how to live alone and be happy with yourself. It's not easy I know but one step at a time. Turn that obsession about your BW on you. Know that you will be okay no matter the outcome.

uncertainone posted 6/27/2013 16:54 PM

Today, I am painfully aware that those skills do not do me any good. And yes UO, I think that is the hole. But what goes there instead?

You grow. What interests do you have? I learned French during a rather hard spell. Italian during another. It's a great way to learn discipline and communicating with others.

Looking beyond yourself also is a great skill. Recognition of others pain and plights. Volunteering. Donating time to help others can really bring perspective and gratitude for what you do indeed have.

Pain can make us somewhat narcissistic. This journey can turn into a self evolved saga without a good solid reminder that pain is one of the biggest commonalities shared by the entire human race. We aren't alone in our hurting even if it at times feels like we are.

You can see it in the faces of people you pass in the grocery store even. Life isn't easy but it sure can be glorious. We can lose sight if we don't increase our powerband.

knightsbff posted 6/27/2013 17:59 PM

The obsessing, wondering what my BW is up to, what she is doing, and I see this as a way of wanting to control things and outcomes.
I've been watching your posts and it seems you have still been hoping for a chance at R. (I've been hoping for you too.) But is your BW sure that she wants to D? If so at some point you are going to need to let go and move on. NC (mental too) other than kids and finances is going to be tough for you. You may have to do the rubber band thing like so many waywards in withdrawal.

That feeling of resentment might be something to dig into. What thoughts are behind it? Is she denying you R that you feel entitled to?

badchoice posted 6/27/2013 18:25 PM

kbff-

But is your BW sure that she wants to D?

She has not wavered one little bit. We have not filed, but that is more because she is not working and we agreed to wait until she has a job.

Is she denying you R that you feel entitled to?

When I look at it logically, from a third persons point of view, no, I don't deserve it.

But when I think about it from an emotional, maybe somewhat immature way, I think why not. I have had a problem with feelings of entitlement in the past, and resentment as well. Something to work on in IC.

badchoice posted 6/27/2013 19:05 PM

UO

What interests do you have?

This is a hard one sometimes. The answer I fall back on way too much is my kids, but I only have them 1/2 time, so being dependent on them is something I am learning to deal with.

I do some volunteer work, but it is mostly on the computer via email, so it adds to the isolation and feeling alone. I also work from home, so that too adds to my feeling of being alone.

I have built my career around one of my coping skill of - isolation - it has been a great source of success, but also of my downfall.

Now I am working on being more social, focusing on male companionship, since I have had problems with boundaries with female friends. I am finding that this awareness is powerful.

uncertainone posted 6/27/2013 19:45 PM

The answer I fall back on way too much is my kids, but I only have them 1/2 time, so being dependent on them is something I am learning to deal with.

Ok, when you say dependent what do you mean?

I have my kids a majority of the time. I love doing things with them so don't consider that dependent. However, I don't expect them to be there for me in any way at all. That's not their job. That's my job to do for them.

I've seen parent bleed into that role and it is alarming. Almost emotional incest.

Volunteering even online is great!!! Are your kids into sports? Can you volunteer to coach or help the coach?

What about hobbies? Hiking? Riding? Even if you're alone if you're pushing yourself it helps actually focus on your body and not your mind. Just don't go off alone where someone can't find you if you get into trouble.

I loved going to museums by myself. Painting? Working on cars? Problem solving while getting dirty is bi-winning right there.

badchoice posted 6/27/2013 19:59 PM

UO - all great suggestions. I do coach my kids soccer team, and I play on the weekends with a group of friends.

When I say dependent, what I e=mean is that I tend to me motivated to do things with them when I have them, and when I am alone, I tend to vegetate. I don't expect them to be my emotional support system.

I need to add more exercise to my routine, and right now, I am focused on my Coda 12 step groups.

I just feel like socially I am lacking, but I am not sure I am ready for any real social outings at this point.

StrongerOne posted 7/2/2013 21:15 PM

Doesn't have to be social in the sense of party or entertainment. Working with others, especially in helping, is a great way to be sociable, especially if you are pretty introverted. (That's me!)

See if you can find a volunteer opportunity that takes you out of the house regularly -- so that you have it structured into your week, and it become something to look forward to. Habitat for humanity? River keeper or parks clean up? I'm thinking something physical, because you also get the good feelings from physical activity. Or, meals in wheels, stocking shelves at food pantry?

Keep at it -- it's a good that you're aware of yourself and looking for ways to respond in a healthy way!

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