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Question to the experienced members

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livebythesea posted 6/27/2013 14:26 PM

I am in such a terrible state of mind right now, it's like I so desperately need advice, a hug, a shoulder. Do you members who have experienced this hell and back, and now you are in a position to give sound advice, do you think that I am being paranoia? Is it all in my mind, is it not possible, that he may be telling me the truth? Or is it obvious to you that he is still lying. Help me ...

lieshurt posted 6/27/2013 14:33 PM

Or is it obvious to you that he is still lying.


An honest,remorseful man would be doing everything in his power to prove to you that he was telling you the truth. Refusing to take the polygraph just shows you his true colors.

((hugs)) You will get through this. Never doubt that.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/27/2013 14:38 PM

I don't think that you are being paranoid.
I do think that he is still lying to you.

Your situation is not going to resolve itself in an hour. It is going to unfold.
Just take it one moment at a time.

Breathe. Focus. Process. Think.

painpaingoaway posted 6/27/2013 14:42 PM

Sweetie, let me tell you something. Do you know why all WS's lie, and deny, and TT, or refuse to talk at all? Because they are afraid. They are afraid to lose everything. They are afraid to lose us, or their lifestyle. Or their possessions, or their children, or their social status or whatever. Bottom line. They are AFRAID.

So, once you let them know that you WILL divorce them if they do not do XYZ, then, they, out of sheer desperation, will finally do what you ask. But, not until then. And, you can not bluff. You HAVE to mean it.

Start looking for lawyers and leave their business cards laying around so he sees them.

JanaGreen posted 6/27/2013 14:45 PM

So, once you let them know that you WILL divorce them if they do not do XYZ, then, they, out of sheer desperation, will finally do what you ask. But, not until then. And, you can not bluff. You HAVE to mean it.

This is absolutely true, I'm sorry. I wish there were another way.


solus sto posted 6/27/2013 14:51 PM

If there is one thing I wish I had truly believed, when told early on: TRUST YOUR GUT.

No, you're not being paranoid.

The mind, actually, works in quite the opposite way.

We go to ridiculous lengths to convince ourselves to believe the people we love, even when we have ample evidence that we should not. We are willing to assign labels to ourselves, to call ourselves paranoid and insane, because it is somehow easier than believing that the people we love might lie to us or betray us.

This is where you now are.

JustWow posted 6/27/2013 14:54 PM

He won't take a poly. He won't tell the truth. He doesn't give a rip if you trust him, he wants to use you.

The M he is offering you to move forward with is one that he has nuked and he wants to act like the problem is that you WANT the truth. The PROBLEM is the truth he continues to hide.

Get mad, honey. Find your angry self. What he's offering to move forward with is soooooooooooooo much less than you, or anyone, deserves.

residencywife93 posted 6/27/2013 15:06 PM

I'm not experienced, but I just want to offer support. I'm sorry you are going through this. I've learned a rough lesson about trusting your gut- it's never, ever, wrong.

painpaingoaway posted 6/27/2013 15:10 PM

Get mad, honey. Find your angry self.
yep, and at will scare the shit out of him, which is what he needs.

I raged at FWH for 2 solid weeks. Got as much info as I could before becoming so exhausted that I went silent. Radio silent. Then saw lawyers. Then I moved out....

THEN.......he 'got it'.

wert posted 6/27/2013 15:28 PM

I am really sorry you are going through this. It is brutal.

I got really angry at first. It shell shocked my W. Then I got stone cold quiet. That was much worst.

If you really want advice this is what I would do:

Go out tonight by yourself. Find a nice restaurant a book and maybe take in a show if you like. Treat yourself and really try hard to forget about him and his current stupidity.

Tomorrow morning search the internet for a list of D lawyers in your area. Call a few and setup some appointments. Talk to them and explain your situation and ask what information they would need from you to proceed with D.

Quietly start gathering information about accounts. Find out where you stand if you leave. If you don't know how find someone you trust (not your H) and have them help.

Then get a calendar out for the next month. Fill it up with things you want to do and things you need to do. Exclude your H as much as possible. Plan you life for you.

If you H talks to you just explain to him that you don't trust him and that you need some time to process. It's a lot to take in after all.

Go live for the next month. Just live and have fun. Don't think about tomorrow or next week. I mean be reasonable and don't take life threatening changes, but do your thing. If you don't know what that is try new stuff. Yoga, running, a new sport, hiking. Get out there.

Every time you think of him and start to work say this to yourself. Fuck him for now. I need space.

Use it to build a new you. If he is still around after a month or so perhaps he will be ready to talk, perhaps not.

take care...

I think I can posted 6/27/2013 15:40 PM

Trust yourself. Your emotions are normal, natural, and understandable--you have just discovered that your life is a completely different one than the life you thought you were leading.


And yeah, he's lying his butt off. There's more. I've been here nearly 6 years and read 10,000 stories in that time. Real people here, first hand stories. Brace yourself, honey, there is more.

OldCow18 posted 6/27/2013 16:38 PM

I'm also not experienced, but I have to agree with the trust you gut thing. My gut told me something was wrong long before I found out he was cheating. I wish I listened to it earlier. Hugs.

seekingclarity posted 6/27/2013 17:51 PM

I am not experienced on this site, but I am experienced with cheaters and liars. Always trust yourself. My WS is a chronic (read: pathological) liar, but was always able to convince me that I didn't know what I was talking about, that up was down and right was left. All the while my instincts were almost screaming that what I believed to be true was true. Your subconscious is picking up the energy that your H is giving off. Trust yourself, trust your instincts. You are wiser and more powerful than you realize.

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