"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

c6284x posted 6/27/2013 14:29 PM

I am now starting to actively search out women to date after 2 years of divorce. But I may still be not trusting of others so I was thinking I might seek out others who have been betrayed so we can both be open books and not be secret keepers. How would I go about asking such a personal question without coming off as a paranoid freak ?

lieshurt posted 6/27/2013 14:44 PM

Being a BS doesn't guaranty you'll be honest, nor does it guaranty you won't ever cheat. Many who've been cheated on were cheated on by people who were BS's in their previous relationships.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 2:44 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

c6284x posted 6/27/2013 14:59 PM

I agree lieshurt, that it would not be a guarantee of fidelity but someone who is also coping would be more understanding. Isn't that why we are all on survivgIfidelity.com so we could be with kindred spirits ?

[This message edited by c6284x at 2:59 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

BrokenDaisy posted 6/27/2013 15:01 PM

I've unfortunately also seen (as well as read on here) that that does not necessarily keep one safe from betrayal. One would think a BS (knowing what affairs does to people) would never ever cross that line but unfortunately some do. So I think you'd just create a false sense of security for yourself seeking out BS's.

I also don't know how one would go about asking something like that without appearing to still be carrying a lot of baggage.

Then again I'm not dating and don't see myself doing so in the near future so what do I know! Good luck with your search.

ETA: I actually think most are on SI for advice and support (and such as in my case a safe venting space) Not to seek out dating partners.

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 3:04 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

fallingquickly posted 6/27/2013 15:12 PM

It wouldn't be a guarantee but I do understand what you are thinking. Someone who understands the pain and stress you have gone through means you won't have to explain it to them or hide it from them or pretend it's not a big deal.

What you said about SIers being kindred spirits I see this way:
I have IRL friends who have been wonderful, supportive, and kept me sane through all this mess. However, they see my pain but have not felt it. SIers truly understand what I am feeling. They have BTDT.

I have no idea how to seek out a BS to date though.

OnceInALifetime posted 6/27/2013 15:12 PM

I wouldn't trust that a date fully understood her motivations for being with me, if she weren't well past the betrayal.

lieshurt posted 6/27/2013 15:15 PM

someone who is also coping would be more understanding.

Broken people are attracted to Broken people. I would focus on healing and then finding somebody who is emotionally healthy. A fws who has done the hard work to deal with their issues would actually be a better choice than a bs who has not healed at all.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/27/2013 15:16 PM

OW in my case was a betrayed fiancé (though knowing her she probably was a wayward at many points in her life) before she went after my STBX.

I think you need to look for what we tell the people in JFO, General, and Reconciliation. Do the words and actions line up. And like many of the waywards on SI, there are people out there who have done the work and are the most amazing people.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/27/2013 15:32 PM

My STBX was cheated on by 2 different woman prior to our relationship. I was actually able to confirm this to be sure he wasn't just lying to me..

This is a stretch, but perhaps some BS' take the revenge out on a new partner? Maybe they are trying to understand how someone could do it?

I don't know, but I agree healing from it is the important part.. BS or WS, all that matters is if you've done the work to become healthy again..

Amazonia posted 6/27/2013 15:38 PM

I personally avoid dating people with baggage, not seek them out.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 3:46 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Newlease posted 6/27/2013 16:09 PM

It's all just luck. I dated a man who was a BS after my D. His story was heart-breaking. His friends all told me what a great guy he was and his X-mother-in-law set us up. I thought I hit the lottery.

But he cheated on me the entire time we were together. First an EA with a MOW and then it turned to PA. It set me way back in my healing.

I then decided that it was me that was the problem. No one could love "just me." It was hell.

So seeking out another BS for dating is absolutely no guarantee.

NL

Crescita posted 6/27/2013 16:10 PM

I think SI gives us a false sense of a BS’ character. We aren’t just here because we are BS, we are an introspective lot, shaken to the core, we seek answers, go to IC, and exercise strong boundaries. I’ve met many BS in real life with a cavalier attitude towards infidelity. It’s astounding. They get pissed, stuff it down, and that’s the extent of emotion. They can easily become AP or WS, and wouldn’t know a boundary if it hit them in the face.

Look for character; actions matching words, honesty, integrity, self assurance. Trust is easier when you find that.

nowiknow23 posted 6/27/2013 16:14 PM

But I may still be not trusting of others so I was thinking I might seek out others who have been betrayed so we can both be open books and not be secret keepers.

What I'm hearing (so to speak) is that you want someone who is trustworthy, and you want to find a way to identify those folks. Honestly? There is no litmus test for this. The only way to know if someone is an open book and not a secret keeper? Is to be around them. Get to know them. Watch words and actions.

There's no shortcut to this, just as there are no shortcuts to all things that matter.

And welcome to SI.

thinkingclear posted 6/27/2013 20:05 PM

Broken people are attracted to Broken people. I would focus on healing and then finding somebody who is emotionally healthy

I think this summaries things perfectly. The emphasis should be on healing yourself and seeking out emotionally healthy people.

I presumed the same thing as you. My WW was a BS in her first marriage. It took three As from her XH to convince her to leave. Her mother had an A when my wife was a teenager.

On the outside looking in, one would think that being surrounded by the utter pain and devastation of adultery her entire adult life would be incentive not to stray. Wrong. I was so naive and missed so many warning signs. She never worked through things as a teen or her issues from her previous marriage and has maintained the coping skills of that disappointed young girl.

My vote. Emotionally healthy you and emotionally heathy date.

suckstobeme posted 6/28/2013 05:40 AM

The thing that concerns me is that you are thinking of seeking out someone who also is "coping" with the aftermath of an A. Whether a new person is a betrayed spouse is not nearly as important as the emotional stability of that person. I understand your thought, but I would be very careful about finding someone to bond with over the pain.

Only speaking for myself, I am so sick of all this shit. When I finally am ready to date and find someone I don't want our closeness to be based on this past trauma.

I agree that broken attracts broken. Be careful with thinking that being a BS is a favorable character trait.