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At rock bottom, looking for WS and BS advice....

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PreggoBS posted 6/27/2013 14:29 PM

So I have a series of challenges now that I really donít know how to cope with. As I stated in my ďfinding outĒ post, my husband is certain that his cheating/lying behavior was the result of SSRI medication he was taking at the time (having since tapered off). Being that this is his current paradigm (and I really think he really believes this, not just using it as an excuse) I have to deal with feeling angry, betrayed, and unable to trust him while at the same time I feel like I have to cut him slack and move on as soon as possible. It doesnít feel like I can hold him 100% accountable for something he doesnít think he would have done normally (again, see my original thread for more info/background).

Also, I find triggers everywhere. For instance, I have weekly OB checkups now that I am within two weeks of my due date. Even going to the OB is a trigger now that I found out the first time WH had sex with the OW was the same day as one of our appointments, possibly even right before since we met at the office being that my appointment was right after work.

I really donít know how to cope with all of this, and many of the suggested coping mechanisms arenít available to me: I canít take antidepressants (for obvious reasons), I canít work out and lose weight for at least a month or two (again for obvious reasons), buying some new cloths would be stupid right now. I really want to have sex too, but it is soooo uncomfortable so all that ďhysterical bondingĒ stuff isnít even an option.

We also moved here from out of state, and the few people I know either work opposite shifts, or live an hour plus away. I just feel sooooo lonely. My self-esteem is even more shot than it would normally be because I am so HUGELY pregnant. I have started counseling but still, I have only had one appointment. I am driven to distraction at work thinking about all of what has happened and looking at my email archives realizing that the days WH wasnít replying to me were the days he was seeing the OW and realizing how clueless I was. And of course I am worried about postpartum depression. It just seems like the worst possible combinations of events. Please, I will take ANY kind of useful advice from WS or other BSís. Anything will help.

Thank you.

lieshurt posted 6/27/2013 14:41 PM

husband is certain that his cheating/lying behavior was the result of SSRI medication

As long as you are willing to give this credibility, then you will not have a successful R. Basically, this excuses his choice to cheat and allows him to avoid dealing with his true issues. Of course he's going to "believe" this is his issue. Wouldn't you if it meant avoiding doing any hard work and facing the fact you betrayed your spouse/child?

[This message edited by lieshurt at 2:42 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Jospehine85 posted 6/27/2013 14:43 PM


My advice would be to take an early leave of absence from work. Tell your OB about the A and he can give you a medical excuse.

side note: you need to tell your OB anyway to get checked for STDs and other infections.

Then you should go be with your family. You need to surround yourself with people who love and support you.

Try to focus your mind on your unborn baby. Focus on the joy that is going to be coming in to your life. Focus on making plans for the baby.

It will literally be mental exercise for you to do this. You will have to practice, practice, practice. Every time you think of the A, tell yourself "NO" and think of the baby.

Your WH and his AP have robbed you of joy right now and stolen time out of your life. Do not let their tawdry behavior steal the joy out of the birth of your baby. You will not get a redo on your baby's first months. Concentrate on that.

PreggoBS posted 6/27/2013 15:04 PM

jospehine85, as much as I would like to I literally can't afford to leave work early. Even the four days I have taken off during the time that WH told me he was leaving me was a chunck out of my leave time. As a federal employee we don't get paid maternity leave, I need to use my vacation and sick leave. Also, my WH is an independent personal trainer with only one client right now so he doesn't provide any income. So the bills are dictating how much time I get to take off. I REALLY wish I could though.

Sigh. Maybe I should move to Canada or (better yet) Norway.

unarmbears posted 6/27/2013 15:08 PM

Oh sweetie! You so need nurturing right now! You need tender loving care to deal with all this!

Can you schedule a massage or a manicure/pedicure for right after your next IC session? I hope your IC has experience in helping people through the trauma of infidelity.

Josephine has some good ideas too. Just work really hard to take care of you. Get a circle of professional support if family and friends aren't nearby!

Do not let your needs for recovery be impeded by having

"to cut him slack and move on as soon as possible."

That will not work for either of you, that is like an alcoholic excusing behavior because of only doing it when drunk. The damage is THE SAME.
A drunk driver killing an innocent pedestrian is still held accountable. The pedestrian is still as dead. Medication is the same thing. He needs to dig a lot deeper to find the part of himself that said it is okay and then get that part of him to shut up. He needs IC also.

Imagining scenarios and getting adept at getting through triggers is important right now, which is why I recommend IC that has good experience in helping you, offering techniques for getting through unavoidable triggers and coming to some resolutions for what you will and won't put up with in a relationship.

Just breathe, slowly, concentrate on breathing while working through anxiety at your OB appts. Remind yourself that you are strong and your baby needs you to get yourself into as calm a state as possible for the sake of you both.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is never a "good" time, but particularly difficult when you are pregnant.

Please take care of you the best way you can!

[This message edited by unarmbears at 3:10 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

doesitgetbetter posted 6/27/2013 15:18 PM

I have a relative that tried to buy into his WW's idea that the drugs she was taking made her cheat. I think he stopped buying her excuse after she stopped taking the drug for over a year and was STILL cheating on him, yet claiming it was the residual drugs in her system that were making her think it was ok to continue.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/27/2013 15:28 PM

I feel like I have to cut him slack and move on as soon as possible. It doesnít feel like I can hold him 100% accountable for something he doesnít think he would have done normally

Please don't shift blame off of your WH. It wasn't the meds, it wasn't you or your M, it was 100% him.

This hits a nerve with me, because my parents are "cutting me slack" and expecting BH to "move on as quickly as possible" and it just pisses me off. Sure, I have unhealed damage from CSA, and that contributed to my brokenness, but it doesn't pardon me even 1%. The WS's A is 100% our fault, and we are 100% accountable, no matter the circumstances. Blaming it on anything but us and our shitty choices is flat-out enabling. Waywards need to figure out our real "whys" or history will repeat itself.

And I'm sorry, but he's 33 years old and has a graduate degree, and he's not bringing in any income? FTN, he needs to step up and start earning, I don't care if that means waiting tables or mowing lawns.

Althea posted 6/27/2013 15:29 PM

(((Preggo))) I am due in September. I feel exhausted and hormonal and am also terrified of PPD. Here is my advice: talk to both your OB and IC re concerns re PPD. It needs to be on their radar. Next, try to focus on healing and taking care of yourself - only. Your baby needs you to be as healthy as possible.

Your husband is taking zero responsibility for cheating on you while you, he doesn't need you to cut him some slack, he needs to be told to get into therapy to figure out WTH is wrong with him. Don't accept this. You deserve more, and so does this baby.

When my WH was in the A mindset the A and his behavior was everyone's fault but his. He was mad at his boss instead of taking responsibility for his own overworking and checking out. He was mad at me for a litany of things that were actually 100% his issues. I can tell you what it feels like to have a baby with a partner like this. You will feel totally abandoned, angry, and depressed. I spent the first 7 months after my DD2's birth severely depressed. It was miserable.

We have talked about this a lot in MC and it has come about that I felt abandoned because I largely was. My WH was around, but emotionally checked out. He told himself that because I was the one who really wanted a kid, I brought on any difficulty I was having myself and it wasn't his problem

Crazy right? But this is the same selfish mindset that A's incubate in. If your WH isn't taking full responsibility for the A and doing everything he can to help you, then it isn't enough. You and the baby deserve a lot better.

Hang in there my friend. You are in the homestretch now, and it is such an exhausting and taxing time. Just try to take care of yourself. Hugs.

Tired05 posted 6/27/2013 16:52 PM

I really don't have much advice for you because I never figured out how to shift my focus and energy on my pregnancy either. Got to the point where my MIL would make my plates and sit there and watch me eat. She would try and take me shopping for baby clothes, but half the time I cried during. I kept thinking 'it wasn't supposed to be this way! My daughter was supposed to be born in a loving family with two parents, HER parents!'. I obsessed over that. I obsessed over OW. I obsessed over my self esteem and how it wasn't fair! I'm pregnant and huge and have no job because I wanted to be a SAHM, how can I even begin to compare to a single, skinny woman, with a decent job, who was right there for the....taking. Even now, at 3mos old, I still have a very hard time focusing on my baby. Some days its kinda easy, others I worry that she isn't getting a lot of attention from me or i'm not talking to her enough (I live alone and my H is stationed in Korea with no family in state). It's completely up to me to nurture this little girl, but I can't focus. Like I said, I don't really have advice for you, I wish I had some. I also wish I had found this site right after DDay. I guess the only thing I wish I knew to do was to not let him push me around, or talk to me like the affairs are my fault in anyway. I was sitting at home, happily awaiting the birth of our child, and then BAM! My world almost ended as I knew it. I'm still here....I don't know how...but I am.

I posted on your 'just found out' thread and shared a little of my story.

Also on the Postpartum depression, I had depression before I got pregnant, and as soon as this mess happened, I KNEW I was gonna have PPD. I mean, I had to stop my meds because I got preggo, so it was already inevitable...but with all this stress and heartache? It would have been surprizing if I didn't. I wanted to breastfeed, so I saw my psych once a week until I was 8wks PP and could not take it anymore. I did the best I could for my baby with BFing, but I have to take care of me to take care of her.

Please try to relax (I know that it is futile, but I have to say it anyway), I also know that nothing anyone says will make you feel better in the long run. I think cheating on your pregnant spouse is the lowest low you can get, and if the OP knew about the pregnancy, then they most likely have no moral value or concern for anyone INCLUDING themself.

[This message edited by Tired05 at 4:55 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

PreggoBS posted 6/27/2013 16:58 PM

Looks like we have a lot in common unfortunately. My husband is at home, for better or worse as I try to sort this out in my own head. I totally understand about the feeling that the world has ended as you know it. I also understand the new conflict of wanting to BF but also worrying about my ability to keep it together. As for the OW, she totally knew I was pregnant. Her and WH were friends on FB and he would post pics of my preggo belly. Their communication happened via text and FB so SHE KNEW I was getting ready to have a baby. Yeah, that 21 year twat. ARGH!! I just keep thinking karma will come around, karma will come around.....

Tired05 posted 6/27/2013 17:07 PM

Yea, my WH showed her my belly pics and yet his excuse for her not caring? "She was in love, love makes you do crazy stuff" If she was ever in love, she let herself fall in love with a M man. They also didn't have the decency to at least use condoms everytime. (However, I am convinced she did it on purpose in order to give him a reason to leave his wife and put on chains, my H? He's just an idiot and thinks with his wrong head, plain and simple.) I asked him months ago why he didn't use condoms, his answer? It doesn't feel as good... WHAT?????

I'm raging for you btw, this kinda stuff drives me nuts and I hate seeing these situations. It's not like BSs don't have to deal with enough, but while preggo?

[This message edited by Tired05 at 5:09 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

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