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Positive things from the affair? Really?

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notquiteoverit posted 6/27/2013 16:13 PM

Last night, my WS made the statement that there are positive things that came out of his affair, namely that we are now commicating and becoming closer. Well, hearing that enraged me. I had to remind him that his affair nearly destroyed me and that there is no way I will ever see anything positive about his actions. I told him that as long as he feels this way, he will never get it.

How many of you have had your WS say something like this,and how did you handle it?

Blameitontherain posted 6/27/2013 16:21 PM

There was a post similar to this a little bit ago. I don't know who said it as a response but I loved this one and have it squirreled away in case WH EVER tells me good came from the affair. I am paraphrasing so here goes...

Just think of how much better we could communicate and how much closer we would be if I had an affair too!

Maybe that would wake up your WH since that's the logic he is using.

Nothing positive comes from an affair. You are better at communicating and closer now DESPITE his affair, not because of it.

doesitgetbetter posted 6/27/2013 16:25 PM

My H would never dare utter those fateful words to me, however I agree... if the statement is worded differently.

IMO, our M is much better, in SPITE of his affair. His A's were the catalyst we used to transform our lives into something that we really want, rather than just living what we accepted. Surely these things could have been changed without his cheating, but it was clear that we were happy with the humdrum that we used to have and we likely would have never demanded more from life if we weren't shocked out of that rut in order to do so.

So, our M is better in SPITE of his A's, not because of them. Semantics, I know. :-)

TXBW68 posted 6/27/2013 17:08 PM

I struggled with the semantics of this one too. Knowing what I know now, versus what he was hiding from me then, I think that his last affair and moving out was inevitable. I think our separation was the catalyst for his transformation into a decent human being and good husband.

He had convinced himself that he was unhappy in our marriage. All of his friends stroked his ego when he lied and said I was the evil-incarnate. If I objectively follow his actions over those 6 years, everything was pointing to the final step of a long-term affair (could have been anyone - OW4 was just in the right place at the right time) and eventual separation from me. Once he got everything he had been hoping for though, he got smacked with reality.

Turns out I am his only real friend and his true love. And I'm not evil afterall.

I know most people don't believe in MLCs. But to me, it's like he was going thru a growing stage - almost like a teenager. Rebelling against everything he knew was true and good. I am certainly not justifying his behavior. But I'm a scientist and very logical-thinking. That description is the only way I can make sense of this mess in my head.

Thank goodness he came out on the other side as a good and remorseful husband, who now treasures what he almost lost.

So, something good did come out of his antics. "In spite of" or "because of" I can't decide.

foundoutlater posted 6/27/2013 17:22 PM

there are positive things that came out of his affair


In spite of


Lucky2HaveMe posted 6/27/2013 17:42 PM

Positive things don't come of the affair. Positive things come from doing the work and becoming an upstanding' honest partner to your spouse.

Sadly many don't realize the need for this work until after infidelity.

Rebreather posted 6/27/2013 18:10 PM

No postives from the affair.

Everything good we have today we have built despite his attempt to burn us to the ground.

fourever posted 6/27/2013 20:11 PM

No postives from the affair.
Everything good we have today we have built despite his attempt to burn us to the ground.

This^. Albeit I'm having a huge trigger. WTF! Having trouble not wanting to burn her to the ground, more that she's done herself. Oy!

sailorgirl posted 6/27/2013 20:21 PM

Imagine how great our marriage could be if WH had been faithful, and taken all the time, effort and money we have put into dealing with the affair and put it into improving himself.

knightsbff posted 6/27/2013 23:30 PM

Having an A was such a low life, bottom feeder thing to do. I finally convinced myself that there were some major problems with me. I don't know how my BH could have ever convinced me of that. We were both miserable then I nearly destroyed us...

Because of, despite...either way sadly it seems, at least for me, hitting rock bottom was necessary before I could see a problem and start to work on me.

RightTrack posted 6/28/2013 01:13 AM

Some people gain positive insight from near death experiences too...

Our marriage gained nothing from the affair. We are only in R because of the wake-up call he got after DDay. That damned affair has destroyed me and I'll never think of him or our relationship the same way again.

kiki1 posted 6/28/2013 07:02 AM

agreed Right Track

womaninflux posted 6/28/2013 08:10 AM

Mine said the same thing. And I had the same reaction. I, too, find this platitude unreasonable. It's in a lot of therapist's books. Shirley Glass, the author of "Not Just Friends," said in an interview with Psychology Today (it's on her website) that the betrayed person has to come to a realization that the A (and the OP) brought something special. WHAT THE F? NONE of the betrayed spouses I know EVER would have chosen this route, even in the cases where they wanted out of their marriages.

wert posted 6/28/2013 08:12 AM

First off, regardless of semantics, communication or whatever, my W doesn't get to say that. Period. If I want to OK, but she should crawl back in her corner and think real hard about being a dumb ass again if she thinks her A was a good idea for any reason.

With that said, I don't attribute positives to the A. I do however attribute positives to uncovering it, discovering the truth and experiencing the pain. The A itself was a selfish childish act that hurt a lot of people. That does not negate the fact that I take opportunity to learn from life, we all should. Could I have learned all these things without the A, yes. Would I realistically learned all these things without the A, probably not. In that respect, I embrace it the same way I do other horrific events in my life, not as something that is imposed on me, but instead something that is out of my control that has a lesson to teach me.

After a little distance from dday I see that my M is not betta than evar, but instead it has an asterisk behind it. Kind of like a soccer player who has the most goals scored, but bites people on the way to that record. Forever questioned, not pure, stained - like life.

I wrote once here about my M not being so great now, but instead being closer to the bone. Closer to real. Pain, hurt and experience has made it more so. It in someways feels more earned and less given to me.

I was talking to my boys the other day about a game they had played. They tied, it was truly and even match and well played by both sides. One of them said they would rather crush a team because it was easier. I asked him why and he really didn't know. I told them that I like to win, but I would rather win a game against a team that was better than mine was and by just one goal. Effort, testing your medal, pain and sweat make those victories more satisfying. He went out in the yard after that conversation with his brother and practices what he calls his fundamentals. I think he got the point. Things earned are better.

We are now earning our M. My W doesn't get to say that. I do. That's my take on positive.

take care...

IAmPsycho posted 6/28/2013 09:49 AM

I heard this too. My WH said " our marriage has never been better" about a month after the A. Because I started doing everything he always wanted. I was kissing his butt on the outside but DYING on the inside. I was emotionally destroyed, broken, and a total mess, but all he could see was the hyper bonding sex.

When he said that, I thought " you're joking right?" Because obviously he missed the bigger picture. He had forever destroyed US. He had divided our marriage into before A and after A parts. He shattered my self esteem, and made me want to find someone new, even though I was ACTING like I was more in love than ever. Fake it until you make it, right?

It's horrible because they just don't realize how their actions will effect us for the rest of our lives.

crossroads2010 posted 6/28/2013 10:23 AM

It's horrible because they just don't realize how their actions will effect us for the rest of our lives.

No they really don't get it...there are a lot of things I have told WH that I needed for him to hear, but explaining what this has really done is not something I have been able to explain in a way he gets...he can't understand b/c he hasn't experienced it...which is why I like the response BIOTR mentioned! But RA is out of the question.

cdnmommy posted 6/28/2013 10:33 AM

I don't think that anything positive came out if the A, and if my FWH thinks so, I don't think he would be dumb enough to tell me.

However, there are a lot of good things that have come out of the growing and self reflection that he has been forced to do. It was all related to FOO and his own inner demons (insecurity, fear of not being enough) and not our relationship. It is sad that it took almost losing me to shake him up, when I was always willing to accept him and walk that path with him, but we are here now.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 7/1/2013 09:42 AM

That good comes out of tragedy/trauma does not mean the tragedy/trauma was good.

sri624 posted 7/1/2013 09:56 AM

i dont know about this one. there was nothing positive about the cheating and the destruction of our lives. maybe like he others spite of the affair...i have seen him changing into a better person.

PeaceLove187 posted 7/1/2013 10:59 AM

The only good that came out of my H's As was that I stopped accepting behavior which ranged from annoying to emotionally abusive. I quit being nice. Once he was forced to act like a husband all of the time instead of the 50% or so he was doing, and stop relapsing to the behavior of a 14-year-old rebelling against his mother, amazingly our marriage got better. We had many a back-and-forth exchange with me saying I'm the same wife I always was and him saying I was so much better after d-day (it truly became a repetitive and juvenile "Yes, I am" and "No, you're not") but honestly the only thing I changed was my determination to either demand the marriage I deserved or get a divorce.

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