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I was an emotional mess after MC appt

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Itstoohard posted 6/27/2013 18:23 PM

This is the same MC we were seeing soon after dd. we both felt she was a big help. Always seem to say the right things....flash forward...found husband had been looking at lots of porn..the last time I found the searches for porn he said he would never look again without me. So I said he should get some IC. He agreed (he has been working hard to please me). When he tells C about the porn she says oh that's like having another affair!
So this last week he asked me to come with him as we had been talking about crush/EA(previous post). She is the one who told us he had many EA's.
NOW she says they were fantasys not EA!.
THEN (after I told her my main issue with the porn was his breaking his own "rule", she ask me 20+ questions on what are my feelings/issues with porn. WTF.
I was crying in her office and when we left I told my H I felt awful..I want to cry but don't know why. He ask" do you think she was picking on you?" I asked if he did and he said yes!
It's been two days and today I feel more like myself. I am not a cryer( did my share at dd) but I was a mess.
She made us an appointment next week but I have told H I don't want to go. He is considering whether he will or not.
Any input would be appreciated.

LearningToFly posted 6/27/2013 19:52 PM

With her asking you so many questions, did you feel that she was putting the blame on you? Were you confused? Did you feel invalidated? I would have felt those things. Then I would have talked to my own IC. She is a MC also but not ours. She helps me to see where a counselor might be coming from. I would imagine she would say something like...

She may have been trying to get you to share your thoughts and feelings so that your H would hear you. (helping you to express yourself)
If she is your H new IC instead of both of your MC she may be supporting him. It can be a hard line to be neutral with the spouse of someone in IC.
She may have mixed up details, misunderstood where you were coming from, or had a headache.

You could go back and tell her how you felt the session went. She might help you see what she was trying to do or she may show you that you are correct and not going back again. I have had sessions like that and I learn a lot about myself and how I see the world by talking it out.

I do think its encouraging that your H supported you emotionally after the session. It sounds like you are both on the same team.

IRN2006 posted 6/28/2013 06:26 AM

Your MC and IC should not be the same person.

Is your MC your only therapist in town?

If not, then your H needs to interview therapists to see how they feel about porn before finding a new one.

If HE wants a therapist that will work with behavior modifications w/r/t your husband watching porn, then I probably would look for a CSAT.

Finally, I think you need to decide how big of a dealbreaker the porn is. It could be very likely that if watching porn is a 40-some year old habit for your h, he's not going to be able to stop simply to please you. He's going to need to WANT to stop because HE wants to.

I would consider things like only getting on the computer in your presence, or getting NetNanny for your computer, or him vowing he's going to read a book, go for a jog, or do a crossword instead of watching porn to be indications that he wants to stop. I would also consider him looking at places like (or maybe net, I'm not sure anymore,), or reading "Every Man's Battle" to be indications he wants to stop.

ETA: Normal therapists have NO understanding of porn watching that can't be stopped. My husband is a recovering SA, acting out with porn and compulsive masturbation. One therapist I saw told me that my husband could watch porn, even though he's addicted to it. That's like telling a heroin addict it's OK to get high on the weekends, but not during the week.

So, you need to be careful. If this is a big issue in your marriage, your husband getting the right kind of help is imperative.

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 6:32 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

sisoon posted 6/28/2013 12:36 PM

It takes a lot of skill to keep IC and MC roles separate, and it sounds like your MC may have mixed 'em up. My gut says her questions about your feelings WRT porn might even have been questions for your IC, and it sounds like she's not your IC. If that's the case, she really screwed up.

In any case, the issue you raised is your H's unreliability, which to me is only remotely related to your feelings about porn, so she screwed up there.

But people make mistakes. Another session could be beneficial to resolve the unsatisfactory nature of the last one. She helped once, and she might again, if you can get on the same page, if the page includes the right boundaries.

Your MC and IC should not be the same person.

Overgeneralization here. I know a number of Cs who can and will do both roles simultaneously very well, but not everyone has the necessary skill.

I watched my W's IC very carefully on D-Day, and she clearly was working on behalf of our M, not on behalf of my W alone. She's been terrific for both my W and our M since then. I'd be even more careful if the C was MC and IC to both partners - some Cs can do it, but the likelihood of a conflict of interest goes way up.

The IC's client is the individual. The MC's client is the relationship. Ethically, and at least in some states legally, the C has to keep the IC sessions confidential. That means the C can't bring something to an MC session that came out in an IC session unless the IC client signs a release. That separation can really hinder MC. Di your H sign this type of release?

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:37 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

Itstoohard posted 6/28/2013 14:22 PM

Thanks so much for the feedback. I guess because we were both so comfortable with her as our MC I thought she could wear multiple "hats". I know that's why my H wanted her for IC. Does make sense that it would be difficult for her to be both. She told H at his first appt. that I was welcome to see her on my own. So maybe she feels she can be. Idk.
As I said porn isn't an issue for me. Thru the years we have watched movies together. I was upset that HE said he would not look at it alone but he did. It hit me like" I won't cheat again". I did not feel she was trying to get my feelings for my H to hear. I have seen her to that during MC.
But...why was porn an affair in IC but not MC?
For months I have been trying to deal with numerous EA's that she now says we're just fantasies???

Itstoohard posted 6/28/2013 14:45 PM

Double posting

[This message edited by Itstoohard at 3:06 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

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