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Just Found Out :
He refuses to take the poly

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 livebythesea (original poster member #38900) posted at 1:28 AM on Friday, June 28th, 2013

He came home, we talked about other topics, then we got on the poly topic. I basically asked him again to take the polygraph, explained to him that by him refusing only confirms my doubt of his honesty.

To sum it up, he tells me that going through the polygraph would make him feel "little" as a man. Speaking with a stranger about his cheating would make him feel embarrassed and he swears on our children 's souls that he is telling me the truth. That there is no more to tell.

He goes on about how much I hurt him throughout our lives, and I tell him he was not a loving husband, always working and always shutting me out.

He seems to be remorseful and regrets the way he handled his life. He continually tells me how much I am the women of his dream, that he loves me, that he will walk through fire for me.

Yet, I ask him to take the poly, tell him do that for me, I tell him that it may make you feel "small" and uncomfortable, but you will get over it. He then goes on about I have to trust him, that he is telling me the truth.

Bottom line, I told him, "I told you what I wanted, you told me how you feel, I do not promise you anything". That is where we are tonight.

I am going to be fine. It seems every conversation we have about this shit, I do get stronger.

Me - 65 I often have to remind myself of my age! Husband - 65 DD1 April 5 2013 (a lie)DD2 April 23 2013DD3 June 22 20133 children 5 grandchildren

posts: 285   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 6389894
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doesitgetbetter ( member #18429) posted at 1:36 AM on Friday, June 28th, 2013

Swearing on their kids lives, their dead mother, their favorite Uncle, their loved one this or that, that's right out of the cheaters manual too. It doesn't mean a thing because they all lie, and they don't care who's head or life they put it on.

He's blameshifting and making this an issue about you and the marriage and about how small it makes him that people know he's a cheater. What about how small it makes you feel knowing that he cheated on you?

I'm sorry, he's a jerkbag!

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than before
May 22, 2019 -slip/relapse. He forgot he has to work forever

posts: 4527   ·   registered: Feb. 29th, 2008
id 6389901
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JustWow ( member #19636) posted at 1:38 AM on Friday, June 28th, 2013

I am going to be fine. It seems every conversation we have about this shit, I do get stronger

.

Good, it looks like you're going to need to be stronger. You will be. You already are.

He is still lying.

I'm sorry you have to deal with his crap.

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

posts: 3889   ·   registered: May. 22nd, 2008   ·   location: Midwest
id 6389903
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Ashland13 ( member #38378) posted at 1:54 AM on Friday, June 28th, 2013

What I get out of your message is that you are maybe looking for action from WH to back up or prove his words. Words can be pretty, shiny, promising...and hollow, empty, worthless.

Actions, like a poly test, have meaning.

This worries me for you because it's like he's looking for things to say to get out of it, where it could be all done and you could both move on already!

When Happy Pants did that, it became a red flag. I'm not saying it is for you, for every situation is different, right? But when I got a song and dance, my heart fell.

Yes, I'm sorry too and hope he will come around and be the man he needs to be.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

posts: 3034   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2013   ·   location: New England
id 6389924
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gonnabe2016 ( member #34823) posted at 2:02 AM on Friday, June 28th, 2013

It seems every conversation we have about this shit, I do get stronger

Good.

You see that he is blowing a bunch of smoke up your ass. He tells you that he'll walk through fire for you but he won't take a polygraph.

So how about if you tell him that you'll start the fire and he just has to answer a few questions on his way through it? (*said very facetiously* and with an )

He's not remorseful. He's just sorry that he got caught.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

posts: 9241   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Midwest
id 6389937
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woundedby2 ( member #18522) posted at 2:18 AM on Friday, June 28th, 2013

He seems to be remorseful

No. He is not remorseful. True remorse would be driving him to do whatever it takes for you to feel safe, happy and at peace in your marriage. If he was remorseful he would be willing to take the poly. Sorry, you are not seeing remorse.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. What are you going to do next?

Big hugs to you.

In 2010 I divorced the NPD assclown who cheated on me with my best friend.

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

posts: 8027   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2008   ·   location: SoCal
id 6389954
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Athena1979 ( member #39393) posted at 3:51 AM on Friday, June 28th, 2013

Ashland is very wise. Love reading her posts about perv/happy pants! Ha!

I confronted my husband by saying, "so we need to talk about this prostitute thing."

He said, "I swear on a stack of bibles I have not purchased anymore prostitutes. As soon as, I get home, you get that bible and I will swear on it."

I said, "so now, not only are you purchasing prostitutes, but you are lying to me and lying to God. I think I'm more upset about your dishonesty."

He said, "no. I swear it. I have not been purchasing prostitutes. Get the bible out..."

I pulled put the pictures I had taken of his phone with the text messages to the prostitute he purchased the day before, Sunday (which he made an excuse that he couldn't go to church).

I then read, verbatim, the texts back and forth "hey. It's Rex. You available." "no, just finishing with a client. He's a 2 minute no sex man who pays for an hour. Give me ten minutes and you can come up." "ok. How much?" "$225/hour, $125 hh." "ok. Get your strap on so you can f@@@ me"

There was silence on the other line. And then he hung up.

They always lie and they always swear on whoever.

Married 11/11/11
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
You know perfectly that you can only change what you accept....never forget that there are two kinds of pain, the one that hurts and the one that makes you change.

posts: 389   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2013   ·   location: Athena1979
id 6390074
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avicarswife ( member #35799) posted at 5:56 AM on Friday, June 28th, 2013

My husband swore to me on our children's lives he didn't cheat on me. He was never unfaithful - in fact the problem was me! I really needed to see the doctor for my paranoia and anxiety.

We went to six weeks of MC - with him playing the role of long suffering husband trying to understand neurotic wife who struggled with the demands of his role.

Then the first admission came out.

Several months later - same vow - I had been told everything!

Another month - oh yeah he lied about that too. Another vow ten months out - "you know everything - there is nothing more to tell. I feel like a weight has lifted" yadda yadda yadda ...

11 months - "BTW there was another women - only once though I promise, I swear......."

They lie - even when they seem remorseful!

Cheaters Handbook 101

On D-day:BS 46 (me)WH 50
Toasted22M 26 yrs,3 kids (16-24) at discovery. D-Days 2012 23-24 May + TT D-Day 2013 12 Apr
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 mths 2010
mOW#3 PA once
2022 Separated

posts: 932   ·   registered: Jun. 9th, 2012   ·   location: NZ
id 6390202
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MoreThanMe ( member #25451) posted at 6:11 AM on Friday, June 28th, 2013

He's lying right now, He claims he would "walk thru the fire you" and yet wont take a poly.

Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009

posts: 705   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2009
id 6390213
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fallingquickly ( member #36599) posted at 6:26 AM on Friday, June 28th, 2013

I'm sorry he's continuing to lie.

My WH swore on our children's lives that I knew everything.

A year later I found out about three ONSs, a 2year LTA with married coworker, and a continuing f***buddy/sexter. They will swear on anything. The truth is much more difficult for them. The truth you do get tends to get minimized as well.

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken

There came a point when it was too painful to love him, so I stopped.

posts: 468   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2012
id 6390221
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catlover50 ( member #37154) posted at 11:35 AM on Friday, June 28th, 2013

Actually my H did find the polygraph demeaning and humiliating--and did it anyway. This time when he said he would do anything to make it up to me he meant it.

I didn't enjoy it either, but he passed and we were able to move forward.

If he had said no it would have been a deal breaker for me.

Good luck.

Dday -9/23/2012
Reconciled

posts: 2376   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2012   ·   location: northeast
id 6390337
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