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He refuses to take the poly

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livebythesea posted 6/27/2013 19:28 PM

He came home, we talked about other topics, then we got on the poly topic. I basically asked him again to take the polygraph, explained to him that by him refusing only confirms my doubt of his honesty.

To sum it up, he tells me that going through the polygraph would make him feel "little" as a man. Speaking with a stranger about his cheating would make him feel embarrassed and he swears on our children 's souls that he is telling me the truth. That there is no more to tell.

He goes on about how much I hurt him throughout our lives, and I tell him he was not a loving husband, always working and always shutting me out.

He seems to be remorseful and regrets the way he handled his life. He continually tells me how much I am the women of his dream, that he loves me, that he will walk through fire for me.

Yet, I ask him to take the poly, tell him do that for me, I tell him that it may make you feel "small" and uncomfortable, but you will get over it. He then goes on about I have to trust him, that he is telling me the truth.

Bottom line, I told him, "I told you what I wanted, you told me how you feel, I do not promise you anything". That is where we are tonight.

I am going to be fine. It seems every conversation we have about this shit, I do get stronger.

doesitgetbetter posted 6/27/2013 19:36 PM

Swearing on their kids lives, their dead mother, their favorite Uncle, their loved one this or that, that's right out of the cheaters manual too. It doesn't mean a thing because they all lie, and they don't care who's head or life they put it on.

He's blameshifting and making this an issue about you and the marriage and about how small it makes him that people know he's a cheater. What about how small it makes you feel knowing that he cheated on you?

I'm sorry, he's a jerkbag!

JustWow posted 6/27/2013 19:38 PM

I am going to be fine. It seems every conversation we have about this shit, I do get stronger

Good, it looks like you're going to need to be stronger. You will be. You already are.

He is still lying.

I'm sorry you have to deal with his crap.

Ashland13 posted 6/27/2013 19:54 PM

What I get out of your message is that you are maybe looking for action from WH to back up or prove his words. Words can be pretty, shiny, promising...and hollow, empty, worthless.

Actions, like a poly test, have meaning.

This worries me for you because it's like he's looking for things to say to get out of it, where it could be all done and you could both move on already!

When Happy Pants did that, it became a red flag. I'm not saying it is for you, for every situation is different, right? But when I got a song and dance, my heart fell.

Yes, I'm sorry too and hope he will come around and be the man he needs to be.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/27/2013 20:02 PM

It seems every conversation we have about this shit, I do get stronger

You see that he is blowing a bunch of smoke up your ass. He tells you that he'll walk through fire for you but he won't take a polygraph.
So how about if you tell him that you'll start the fire and he just has to answer a few questions on his way through it? (*said very facetiously* and with an )

He's not remorseful. He's just sorry that he got caught.

woundedby2 posted 6/27/2013 20:18 PM

He seems to be remorseful

No. He is not remorseful. True remorse would be driving him to do whatever it takes for you to feel safe, happy and at peace in your marriage. If he was remorseful he would be willing to take the poly. Sorry, you are not seeing remorse.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. What are you going to do next?

Big hugs to you.

Athena1979 posted 6/27/2013 21:51 PM

Ashland is very wise. Love reading her posts about perv/happy pants! Ha!

I confronted my husband by saying, "so we need to talk about this prostitute thing."

He said, "I swear on a stack of bibles I have not purchased anymore prostitutes. As soon as, I get home, you get that bible and I will swear on it."

I said, "so now, not only are you purchasing prostitutes, but you are lying to me and lying to God. I think I'm more upset about your dishonesty."

He said, "no. I swear it. I have not been purchasing prostitutes. Get the bible out..."

I pulled put the pictures I had taken of his phone with the text messages to the prostitute he purchased the day before, Sunday (which he made an excuse that he couldn't go to church).

I then read, verbatim, the texts back and forth "hey. It's Rex. You available." "no, just finishing with a client. He's a 2 minute no sex man who pays for an hour. Give me ten minutes and you can come up." "ok. How much?" "$225/hour, $125 hh." "ok. Get your strap on so you can f@@@ me"

There was silence on the other line. And then he hung up.

They always lie and they always swear on whoever.

avicarswife posted 6/27/2013 23:56 PM

My husband swore to me on our children's lives he didn't cheat on me. He was never unfaithful - in fact the problem was me! I really needed to see the doctor for my paranoia and anxiety.

We went to six weeks of MC - with him playing the role of long suffering husband trying to understand neurotic wife who struggled with the demands of his role.

Then the first admission came out.

Several months later - same vow - I had been told everything!

Another month - oh yeah he lied about that too. Another vow ten months out - "you know everything - there is nothing more to tell. I feel like a weight has lifted" yadda yadda yadda ...

11 months - "BTW there was another women - only once though I promise, I swear......."

They lie - even when they seem remorseful!

Cheaters Handbook 101

MoreThanMe posted 6/28/2013 00:11 AM

He's lying right now, He claims he would "walk thru the fire you" and yet wont take a poly.

fallingquickly posted 6/28/2013 00:26 AM

I'm sorry he's continuing to lie.

My WH swore on our children's lives that I knew everything.

A year later I found out about three ONSs, a 2year LTA with married coworker, and a continuing f***buddy/sexter. They will swear on anything. The truth is much more difficult for them. The truth you do get tends to get minimized as well.

catlover50 posted 6/28/2013 05:35 AM

Actually my H did find the polygraph demeaning and humiliating--and did it anyway. This time when he said he would do anything to make it up to me he meant it.

I didn't enjoy it either, but he passed and we were able to move forward.

If he had said no it would have been a deal breaker for me.

Good luck.

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