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Newest Member: bigpockets (45700)

User Topic: Our Anniversary is in 2 weeks
IGaveItMyAll
♂ 38622
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have mixed feelings... Parts of me want to celebrate but the other part is bitter and angry. I am not planning anything. Money has been tight lately. So my wife suggested instead of gifts we rewrite new wedding vows to each other. I am tempted to just use my original vows and tell her I meant them when I said them. But our MC said we need to treat our life now as a new life together and to continue to try and connect with each other. Opinions??? (On a side note my other posts lately have been that she isn't meeting my needs and I am working on 180)


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
pendant
♀ 32890
Member # 32890
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

True R is built on mutual trust and understanding. Initially the WS shows remorse and regret and puts in significantly more effort to soften the heart of the BS. After a period time (sometimes years) both parties put in the same amount of effort to rebuild the M. If you did not break your vows, don't be forced to renew it on an unstable foundation. Your mew life starts once you feel her remorse and effort...there is no rush if you plan a life ahead together. I no longer ignore warning signs, or gut feelings. Since DD I witnessed the evolution of my FWH, but never observed the anniversary and he is fine with that. BTW I have forgiven, am accepting the A and how he treated me during A, trying to find peace which happens approximately 80% of time. It's affair season so...


"Once forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete, meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences and used to create a new set of moral rules and a new interpretation of life's events."

Posts: 423 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: North Carolina
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that it's good to try and feel any positivity you can here.... but... it seems pretty dang early to be all "new life" about anything. You heart and mind are justifiably still reeling right now.

I think that a better course of action is for you to just take it moment by moment, and for your FWW to follow your cues throughout the day. If you need attention, she's there for you. If you need space, she's understanding instead of making you feel bad.

I'm sure your MC has good intentions, but they don't sound like someone who's dealt with a lot of infidelity in the past.


So, long story short, do what you need to this year, and communicate with your FWW that you need her to be empathetic towards you as this is a really painful, confusing time. In a year (or three) you can see what energy you have to putting back into this, but you really truly shouldn't be expected to do much more than keep it together as best you can.

(((IGIMA)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 9:36 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18271 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
DixieD
♀ 33457
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It may seem like I'm 2x4ing you all over the place but honestly I'm stunned how your posts make it sound like your roles are reversed.

Your wife killed your marriage, and she wants you to write new vows to her as an anniversary present? Especially so close from dday. Wow. Your gift is the fact you want to attempt to R with her at all. This year and maybe for many years to come, that should cover it.

What you are feeling is valid. You didn't break your marriage vows, so why should you write new ones? That is asking a tremendous amount from a wounded BS.

I understand and agree that you have to look at this as a new marriage but you have to grieve the old one first. I don't think you have given yourself enough time for that. Your wife has not proven through actions that she is worthy of having new vows written to her. There are lots of BS who will no longer acknowledge their anniversaries for years, if ever, after an affair and that's perfectly acceptable. That may hurt a WS but that's just the consequences of their actions.

Take what your wife wants and what your MC thinks out of the picture -- what would you like to do?

I'm sure your MC has good intentions, but they don't sound like someone who's dealt with a lot of infidelity in the past.

I agree. This is why IMO, MC early on is not beneficial. IC for the WS is more beneficial. And then much later, when the WS is remorseful, give MC another try. I say that because I did what you are doing in the beginning and I feel it was a mistake. I left MC and told my husband I would not go back until he worked on himself first. That was the best decision I made.

Good luck IGIMA, anniversaries can be rough.

[This message edited by DixieDevastated at 9:47 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
IGaveItMyAll
♂ 38622
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm stunned how your posts make it sound like your roles are reversed.
Me too as of late. It wasn't really like that at first she was trying super hard and we were doing really well. She was meeting alot of my needs. Intimacy was an issue but has always been since our first year after our son was born. ((Dixie)) I appreciate the comments. Its just in the past few weeks that I have really started feeling like the dynamic is off. Why am I trying so hard to have a better marriage. It should be equal efforts and I feel if she was truly in love with me and remorseful I wouldn't be having these feelings. I have really been working at pulling back and 180. The wedding vow thing was a conversation we had about a month ago. We were having a pretty in depth conversation and she was appologizing to me saying how much she regrets destroying our wedding vows. She wanted to write me new ones for me and share them with me. I decided today I am going to tell her to hold off until we are a couple years down the road in this mess. I want to make sure its true and genuine. I definitely want to see her in IC more. Again she is 1/2 assing that too. ARGH I am emotionally drained!!!!


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to make sure its true and genuine.

That's a fantastic compass.


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18271 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
OnAnIsland
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gave it my all,
How would you feel if *she* wrote new vows for you? Do you need her to hold off on that or could you see what she has to say, and allow that to guide the conversation and healing of the M? Or guide her transformation into the wife and partner you deserve?

Maybe it is too soon for that. I hear that you have a lot of healing to go. I know i do.

But could her act of writing new vows to you be a healing exercise for you or a guide for her for her own behavior?

I just wonder. I want to suggest that you don't need to write any vows or other sentiments words to her. But could you receive her words? I haven't read your other posts, but it sounds like she has a lot of work to do. And I am in the camp of MC only after WS is owning their actions.

Be gentle with yourself but true. Thinking of you at this tough time.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stick to the 180. It is just another day.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2668 | Registered: Aug 2012
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, what does the 180 mean to you? What are you hoping to accomplish with it? (I ask because, as I read your posts, it doesn't sound appropriate for your sitch. I could be wrong, of course.)

I think being honest with yourself and your W are essential to R, so you should tell her what you think about celebrating the anniversary and work something out that works for both of you.

I agree with you on vows - the original vows remain in force. I wouldn't trust new vows from my W, since she blew the original ones anyway.

Our 2nd post D-Day anniversary was 21 months after D-Day. My gift was a candy bar that we shared...about $3, including tax, so I understand not finding anniversaries all that great.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:31 AM, June 28th (Friday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
wanttogoforward
♀ 29912
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would wonder (maybe this is just my paranoia) if she wants to renew vows so SHE can move forward... or think that the hard work is over because you've renewed the vows... You are less than one year out so I personally just don't think enough work can be done in that time frame to take any major steps like renewing vows.... at 3+ years out I still have some days of major ups and downs and need more time to readjust yet... they say 2- 5 years on here....
Offer to do something small and intimate that will help both of you in the rebuilding rather than the "show for the world"... a quiet weekend away with just the two of you... lots of intimacy time to talk and rebuild that which has been destroyed....

I recently had an anniversary too- we exchanged cards, had a nice lunch together, and some quality time in the evening :).... maybe we will also do something later this summer.... but I certainly wasn't ready for a big show of any kind.... IF you aren't ready for that then tell her you aren't ready yet- if she truly is working toward full R then she will understand and be willing to wait until u are ready too!


Posts: 1185 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Topic Posts: 10

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