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Newest Member: Dazed6 (48026)

User Topic: S**t, I still want to Bit** slap her!
fourever
♀ 30631
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coming up on 3 years since DD next month. Why do I still give her real estate! Drives me crazy that her BH didn't follow up and ask for all info. I Fight to not send the torrid details to him every day about the s**t he is married to. Think I need to go back to therapy.
FWH supportive, remorseful, and is trying so hard. I want to hurt her as much today, 3 yrs out, as she tried to hurt our family of 6 for 4 years.

Please, how do you become indifferent to a predator? And, the weakness of your spouse? I hate this.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 917 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
RockyMtn
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. I bet it is so hard that her BS didn't want to discuss. I had a chance to do that and it was really nice to swipe at her, and I was empathetic when the other BS took a swipe at my WH. Very therapeutic. I can understand why that part sucks.

In terms of OW, just remember that she'll suffer. Either she'll get it someday and suffer from knowing how awful she was. Or she'll never get it and her life will trainwreck someday. It just will. It always happens to people who shit on others.

Yes, go to therapy. Get this out. I also suggest yoga or meditation (guided, at a center or something). It really does help with letting go of negativity and getting to that place of blissful indifference.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
fourever
♀ 30631
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thx! It helps to have someone who understands. Feel crazy about it sometimes!!


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 917 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
RightTrack
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I doubt that she'll ever suffer. I think my WH's MOM is just too stupid and too evil to feel anything but superior for the time she stole away from me. I wish I could think of something to destroy her, but then, she's already a pretty pitiful person. I'm right there with you.

Posts: 790 | Registered: Sep 2012
RockyMtn
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just too stupid

Yea, I suppose you're right. Forgot about the stupid part


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
FightingBack
♀ 34770
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fourever,

I took your advice and made sure the OBS knew about the A.
I had to wait one year post dday (and MOW's resignation) to be sure there could be no legal ramifications.

I sent OBS an email which was a bit cryptic as I was still afraid of a "forced to resign under pressure" kind of claim, by referring to the A as "the situation", but I know he got the message.

I offered details should he require them, but the one important fact I gave him was the length of the A.

I sent it to his work email, so I am pretty sure it wasn't intercepted, but I have had no response from him.

I will respect that he doesn't want to know more, but I agree that it is frustrating. If he told his cheating wife about the email, I am sure she tried to convince him that I was crazy, and that if she did indeed admit to the A, she would have told him it was a brief encounter.

All this to say that we did the right thing by offering the information. If the OBS does not want any more details, perhaps this is the way they keep their sanity. I think betrayed men on average, don't need the details as many betrayed women do.

At the same time, they are probably not under any illusions either.

Maybe just knowing that the knowledge is in our hands to use or not, is as good as a bit€# slap to the OW. Lets hope so.

[This message edited by FightingBack at 7:26 AM, June 28th (Friday)]


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 1000 | Registered: Feb 2012
Lalagirl
♀ 14576
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let's move this over to General so we can flame away...

But for now... ((((HUGS))) and to tell you that I understand. It takes the dreaded 4-letter word - TIME. While it never completely goes away (the hatred)...it will lessen and she will take up less and less space...


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-31 & 27
5yo GS,2yo GD & 7 mo. GD (DD30) and 3 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5257 | Registered: May 2007
womaninflux
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to let go of your anger. You are really only hurting yourself. While your feelings are understandable, the OW certainly doesn't care (or tells herself this). You won't ever get through to someone like that so why even try?

Try some meditation (there is a website for Health Journeys where you can download. This has really helped me. DD was a little over 3 months ago for me, and WH's affair was 2+ years "strong." Take back the power...


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 917 | Registered: Jun 2013
fourever
♀ 30631
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all, trying to give up her crap in my head is infuriating for me, and like the LTA, however badly i want to put it behind us, it tries to stay. YKWIM?
Thanks for the hugs and helpful advice! Love you all.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 917 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
fourever
♀ 30631
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, i still feel like this:

http://youtu.be/MZgkClKE6hQ

Beware, This is creepy. But i love it.

[This message edited by fourever at 9:40 AM, June 28th (Friday)]


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 917 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
bewildered22
♀ 36487
Member # 36487
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although I have no respect for any of the OW because they new WH was a married man...but...I think we have soooo much anger and it is easier to direct that at AP(s)than at our WS. The AP didn't betray you (unless it was a friend)..your WS did. They are the ones that took the vows with you and promised to forsake ALL OTHERS! I find myself doing the same..obsessing about the OW but in the end WH is the only one I should hold accountable. Yeah..if someone is married look elsewhere but it was your's/mine/everyone's WS obligation to say no thanks..I AM MARRIED!! Douche Bags!!

Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2012
FightingBack
♀ 34770
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, that is quite creepy.

Don't let thoughts like these poison you inside, or she will have taken even more from you. Don't let her.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 1000 | Registered: Feb 2012
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well said bewildered22! It is soo much easier to direct anger towards AP....much tougher to realize and accept what you say.

It was our own spouses where the real hurt comes from.

I think it is important that BS's learn to accept this and express it in healthy ways....wish I could post how to do that...but I can not at this time.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4750 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bewildered,

Please follow the Reconciliation Forum guidelines:

A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories and triggers while trying to reconcile.It's a long road, but you can do it! There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Lalagirl,
Since fourever came here looking for support in her R we are going to leave this thread where it is.


I didn’t see my worth until I stopped looking for it in other people. I realized no matter how many walk in and out of my life, they can only love me so much. I needed to love myself in order to experience fulfillment.-Lloyd Barker

Posts: 42786 | Registered: Sep 2007
Tired05
♀ 39609
Member # 39609
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...I feel the exact same way as you do, of course I am nowhere near as far away from DDay as you.

Getting over the absolute worst anger towards manipulative (maybe even preditory is the word?) OW and a weak WH who just fell along in it because he never thinks anything through and its even worse in the A-fog.

We can be having a pretty decent-ish day, and then something sneaks into my mind and WHAM, I'm seeing red.

No words do my feelings justice...

[This message edited by Tired05 at 1:42 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]


Together 6 yrs. M 4 yrs. DD born 3/1/2013.
Me: BS -- Him: 1 EA/PA (6mos), PA (MW), and 6 ONS...Been at it for almost 5 yrs. *Still slave to TT* 1st DDay- 11/24/2012,
.....OC due in August.....

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
scaredyKat
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I felt the same way for far too long. I know that giving them real estate in my mind was useless, they didn't know and wouldn't care if they did know. I know it was only hurting me. At worst of all, it was totally against my own personal, lifelong philosophy to feel that way!

That said, I did. I don't feel nearly as angry as I did. The answer? That dreaded four letter word, T-I-M-E.

Not that I don't still have angry moments. They are mostly toward SAfWH. But the anger toward the OW(plural) has diminished. I feel more clearly that they were insignificant and could have been any available receptacle...

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 5:44 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]


Me-BS-61
HIM-SAFWH-64
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 4296 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
AmberDust
♀ 38904
Member # 38904
Default  Posted: 3:39 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MOW is not a "bad person", according to my IC. She could be doing volunteer-work, be a great parent to her kids, take care of her sick mother- just have a character flaw that made her try to lure my husband away from his wife and kids. But it doesn't make her a bad person.
At this point, I cannot agree with her so I have decided to simply not discuss this again if she brings it up.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 17

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