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S**t, I still want to Bit** slap her!

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fourever posted 6/27/2013 20:22 PM

Coming up on 3 years since DD next month. Why do I still give her real estate! Drives me crazy that her BH didn't follow up and ask for all info. I Fight to not send the torrid details to him every day about the s**t he is married to. Think I need to go back to therapy.
FWH supportive, remorseful, and is trying so hard. I want to hurt her as much today, 3 yrs out, as she tried to hurt our family of 6 for 4 years.

Please, how do you become indifferent to a predator? And, the weakness of your spouse? I hate this.

RockyMtn posted 6/27/2013 20:29 PM

I'm sorry. I bet it is so hard that her BS didn't want to discuss. I had a chance to do that and it was really nice to swipe at her, and I was empathetic when the other BS took a swipe at my WH. Very therapeutic. I can understand why that part sucks.

In terms of OW, just remember that she'll suffer. Either she'll get it someday and suffer from knowing how awful she was. Or she'll never get it and her life will trainwreck someday. It just will. It always happens to people who shit on others.

Yes, go to therapy. Get this out. I also suggest yoga or meditation (guided, at a center or something). It really does help with letting go of negativity and getting to that place of blissful indifference.

fourever posted 6/27/2013 21:18 PM

Thx! It helps to have someone who understands. Feel crazy about it sometimes!!

RightTrack posted 6/27/2013 23:13 PM

I doubt that she'll ever suffer. I think my WH's MOM is just too stupid and too evil to feel anything but superior for the time she stole away from me. I wish I could think of something to destroy her, but then, she's already a pretty pitiful person. I'm right there with you.

RockyMtn posted 6/28/2013 06:46 AM

just too stupid

Yea, I suppose you're right. Forgot about the stupid part

FightingBack posted 6/28/2013 07:22 AM


I took your advice and made sure the OBS knew about the A.
I had to wait one year post dday (and MOW's resignation) to be sure there could be no legal ramifications.

I sent OBS an email which was a bit cryptic as I was still afraid of a "forced to resign under pressure" kind of claim, by referring to the A as "the situation", but I know he got the message.

I offered details should he require them, but the one important fact I gave him was the length of the A.

I sent it to his work email, so I am pretty sure it wasn't intercepted, but I have had no response from him.

I will respect that he doesn't want to know more, but I agree that it is frustrating. If he told his cheating wife about the email, I am sure she tried to convince him that I was crazy, and that if she did indeed admit to the A, she would have told him it was a brief encounter.

All this to say that we did the right thing by offering the information. If the OBS does not want any more details, perhaps this is the way they keep their sanity. I think betrayed men on average, don't need the details as many betrayed women do.

At the same time, they are probably not under any illusions either.

Maybe just knowing that the knowledge is in our hands to use or not, is as good as a bit€# slap to the OW. Lets hope so.

[This message edited by FightingBack at 7:26 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

Lalagirl posted 6/28/2013 08:44 AM

Let's move this over to General so we can flame away...

But for now... ((((HUGS))) and to tell you that I understand. It takes the dreaded 4-letter word - TIME. While it never completely goes away (the hatred) will lessen and she will take up less and less space...

womaninflux posted 6/28/2013 08:51 AM

You need to let go of your anger. You are really only hurting yourself. While your feelings are understandable, the OW certainly doesn't care (or tells herself this). You won't ever get through to someone like that so why even try?

Try some meditation (there is a website for Health Journeys where you can download. This has really helped me. DD was a little over 3 months ago for me, and WH's affair was 2+ years "strong." Take back the power...

fourever posted 6/28/2013 09:31 AM

Thanks all, trying to give up her crap in my head is infuriating for me, and like the LTA, however badly i want to put it behind us, it tries to stay. YKWIM?
Thanks for the hugs and helpful advice! Love you all.

fourever posted 6/28/2013 09:34 AM

But, i still feel like this:

Beware, This is creepy. But i love it.

[This message edited by fourever at 9:40 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

bewildered22 posted 6/28/2013 13:28 PM

Although I have no respect for any of the OW because they new WH was a married man...but...I think we have soooo much anger and it is easier to direct that at AP(s)than at our WS. The AP didn't betray you (unless it was a friend)..your WS did. They are the ones that took the vows with you and promised to forsake ALL OTHERS! I find myself doing the same..obsessing about the OW but in the end WH is the only one I should hold accountable. Yeah..if someone is married look elsewhere but it was your's/mine/everyone's WS obligation to say no thanks..I AM MARRIED!! Douche Bags!!

FightingBack posted 6/28/2013 13:38 PM

Yes, that is quite creepy.

Don't let thoughts like these poison you inside, or she will have taken even more from you. Don't let her.

blakesteele posted 6/30/2013 12:18 PM

Well said bewildered22! It is soo much easier to direct anger towards AP....much tougher to realize and accept what you say.

It was our own spouses where the real hurt comes from.

I think it is important that BS's learn to accept this and express it in healthy ways....wish I could post how to do that...but I can not at this time.

God be with us all.

authenticnow posted 6/30/2013 13:32 PM


Please follow the Reconciliation Forum guidelines:

A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories and triggers while trying to reconcile.It's a long road, but you can do it! There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Since fourever came here looking for support in her R we are going to leave this thread where it is.

Tired05 posted 6/30/2013 13:39 PM

...I feel the exact same way as you do, of course I am nowhere near as far away from DDay as you.

Getting over the absolute worst anger towards manipulative (maybe even preditory is the word?) OW and a weak WH who just fell along in it because he never thinks anything through and its even worse in the A-fog.

We can be having a pretty decent-ish day, and then something sneaks into my mind and WHAM, I'm seeing red.

No words do my feelings justice...

[This message edited by Tired05 at 1:42 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]

Lionne posted 6/30/2013 13:48 PM

I know I felt the same way for far too long. I know that giving them real estate in my mind was useless, they didn't know and wouldn't care if they did know. I know it was only hurting me. At worst of all, it was totally against my own personal, lifelong philosophy to feel that way!

That said, I did. I don't feel nearly as angry as I did. The answer? That dreaded four letter word, T-I-M-E.

Not that I don't still have angry moments. They are mostly toward SAfWH. But the anger toward the OW(plural) has diminished. I feel more clearly that they were insignificant and could have been any available receptacle...

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 5:44 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]

AmberDust posted 7/1/2013 03:39 AM

MOW is not a "bad person", according to my IC. She could be doing volunteer-work, be a great parent to her kids, take care of her sick mother- just have a character flaw that made her try to lure my husband away from his wife and kids. But it doesn't make her a bad person.
At this point, I cannot agree with her so I have decided to simply not discuss this again if she brings it up.

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