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Gaslight - the movie

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Nature_Girl posted 6/27/2013 20:25 PM

Just got it in the mail from Netflix. I think I'm finally strong enough after all this time to watch it. Never seen it before.

caregiver9000 posted 6/27/2013 20:48 PM

I have never seen it either. You are so brave.

Check in. I am curious, but I also want to know you didn't turn into a puddle.

Compartmented posted 6/27/2013 21:22 PM

Oh, I watched that! It's very spot on to what I lived. Scarily so. At the end I was screaming at the television, "Just look at him! If you'd only LOOK at him, you'd see!"

(I don't think that is a spoiler.)

It made me see myself in a new light. I should have "looked". I was very naive and trusting.

tryingagain74 posted 6/27/2013 21:26 PM

It's a great film, but I also love most classic films. I haven't seen it since my life flipped upside-down, though, so I'm not sure how I'd feel about it today.

Let us know what you think if you get the chance!

Dark Inertia posted 6/27/2013 21:28 PM

Oh my God, it is a wonderful film, Angela Lansbury really steals the show. Very dark, very real.

Nature_Girl posted 6/27/2013 22:24 PM

Love bombing - check
Won't let her be alone with her thoughts - check
Rushed romance - check
Pushing her boundaries - check
Seems so normal, then WHAM! flips out on her - check

I'm less than 30 minutes into the movie. So far it's like deja vu.

IrishLass518 posted 6/27/2013 22:25 PM

Great movie and really opened my eyes to what I had lived through and survived. Kinda scary in that respect.

Nature_Girl posted 6/27/2013 22:45 PM

Having to stop again 'cuz this is just so close to my reality. No one would believe me about the head games he used to play... 'Cept maybe this crowd here in SI.

Telling her her reality - check
Isolating her - check
Making her question her memory - check

Kajem posted 6/27/2013 23:00 PM

On a Narc forum some of us watched it... and critiqued it.. regarding Narcky behaviors..... some people picked up the most subtle Narcy manipulations regarding other characters. I found it easier to watch looking at the secondary characters than watching the main characters.

It hit really really close to home for me.

Hugs,

K

peridot posted 6/27/2013 23:26 PM

Nope but now you have me wanting to watch it lol.

Nature_Girl posted 6/27/2013 23:50 PM

Over an hour into it. OMG, this is eerie. I see so much of my marriage, STBX, me in this movie.

Why are people like this??????????

Nature_Girl posted 6/28/2013 00:38 AM

It's over. I feel like I need to see my counselor...

http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome

Here's what I don't get. In the movie the husband had a motivation. I'm stuck on what motivation my husband had. What could it have been? Did he even have a motivation? I'm not rich, not famous, not ever gonna be. My husband is just truly so fucked up that he did this to me just because, right? He didn't need a reason, right? He's just a sick sociopath and I was just dumb & dysfunctional enough to get stuck in his trap.

Pardon me while I go rock in a corner...

woundedby2 posted 6/28/2013 00:41 AM

I watched it not too long after we separated. I think I should watch it again and see if I see it any differently.

Nature_Girl posted 6/28/2013 01:26 AM

Are You Being Gaslighted?
Check for these telltale signs:
1. You constantly second-guess yourself.
2. You wonder, “Am I being too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
3. You wonder frequently if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter.
4. You have trouble making simple decisions.
5. You think twice before bringing up innocent topics of conversation.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
7. Before your partner comes home from work, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day.
8. You buy clothes for yourself, furnishings for your apartment, or other personal purchases thinking about what your partner would like instead of what would make you feel great.
9. You actually start to enjoy the constant criticism, because you think, “What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.”
10. You start speaking to your husband through his secretary so you don’t have to tell him things you’re afraid might upset him.
11. You start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.
12. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
13. You frequently wonder if you’re good enough for your lover.
14. Your kids start trying to protect you from being humiliated by your partner.
15. You feel hopeless and joyless.

Your husband crosses the line in his flirtations with another woman at a dinner party. When you confront him, he asks you to stop being insecure and controlling. After a long argument, you apologize for giving him a hard time.

Your boss backed you on a project when you met privately in his office, and you went full steam ahead. But at a large gathering of staff—including yours—he suddenly changes his tune and publicly criticizes your poor judgment. When you tell him your concerns for how this will affect your authority, he tells you that the project was ill-conceived and you’ll have to be more careful in the future. You begin to question your competence.

Your mother belittles your clothes, your job, your friends, and your boyfriend. But instead of fighting back as your friends encourage you to do, you tell them that your mother is often right and that a mature person should be able to take a little criticism.

If you think things like this can’t happen to you, think again. Gaslighting is when someone wants you to do what you know you shouldn’t and to believe the unbelieveable. It can happen to you and it probably already has.

How do we know? If you consider answering “yes” to even one of the following questions, you’ve probably been gaslighted:

Does your opinion of yourself change according to approval or disapproval from your spouse?

When your boss praises you, do you feel as if you could conquer the world?

Do you dread having small things go wrong at home—buying the wrong brand of toothpaste, not having dinner ready on time, a mistaken appointment written on the calendar?

Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from. That’s because it plays into one of our worst fears—of being abandoned—and many of our deepest needs: to be understood, appreciated, and loved. In this groundbreaking guide, the prominent therapist Dr. Robin Stern shows how the Gaslight Effect works and tells you how to:
Turn up your Gaslight Radar, so you know when a relationship is headed for trouble

Determine whether you are enabling a gaslighter

Recognize the Three Stages of Gaslighting: Disbelief, Defense, and Depression

Refuse to be gaslighted by using the Five Rules for Turning Off the Gas

Develop your own “Gaslight Barometer” so you can decide which relationships can be saved—and which you have to walk away from

Learn how to Gasproof Your Life so that you’ll never again choose another gaslighting relationship

jennie160 posted 6/28/2013 09:16 AM

I've never watched this but I think it may be time. It's on Amazon Instant Video if any one else is interested.

I feel like I need to see my counselor...

I think it would be good to test myself and see if I can catch all of the gas lighting behaviors. Hopefully, this doesn't derail all of my work and cause major triggers.

IrishLass518 posted 6/28/2013 10:19 AM

The only motivation I could ever come up with for my xWH's gaslighting was to make him the "good guy". If I was crazy and didn't know what I was doing then he had every reason to do what he did, at least in his head, and wasn't he a gem for staying and putting up with me? It also conveniently removed him from blame and placed it on my shoulders. He wasn't having an A, I drove him away. So I essentially asked for his behavior and treatment.

tesla posted 6/28/2013 10:41 AM

Well, shit. That list sounds like ex-shat. I might have to check this movie out.

Housefulloflove posted 6/28/2013 11:21 AM

What IrishLad said EXACTLY.

Not to T/J but your description of the movie reminded me of some seriously sickening stunts Ex tried to pull before I knew what was going on. Before I found out about the affair that bastard tried HARD to make me feel like I was losing my mind. He started reading books about polygamy and arguing points in support of polygamy while simultaneously arguing that he does not support polygamy and would NEVER be with another woman because *I* thought it was wrong. He would sneak in insults like how I wasn't secure enough for that or that I didn't trust him enough to handle it. As if the problem was not the BS he was saying but my inability to handle something that should be OK.

He would argue that the biblical definition of adultery only applies to women and a man can be with more than one woman as long as he cares for her like a husband. And at the same time he was adamant that he wasn't trying to convince me that it would be OK if he was with another woman and that he would NEVER do that.

Not long after that started, there was an incident where immediately after we had sex he started pouting. After repeatedly asking him what was wrong he finally said how he "really wanted to have sex with other women" and how he didn't know if I would ever satisfy him.

When I had a SERIOUS fucking issue with those words and especially the time he delivered them (to the point that I was physically grieving and mentally preparing to leave his ass), he argued that I always asked him to share his thoughts and feelings but when he did I couldn't handle them and acted irrationally and emotional. That MF'er convinced me that *I* was in the wrong for reacting to the fucked up stuff he was saying to me in the month or two before DDay. It was the same argument he later used to gaslight me about his "friendship" with OW. The lack of boundaries isn't the issue, my inability to just leave the issue alone was the REAL problem!

All of the crap he dumped on me came out of nowhere and my head was spinning. Looking back it's like I was married to one crappy-ass guy for almost 10 years but the last 3-4 months some evil clone took over to finish the mission for the marriage to end with me in an institution or a grave.

And even if I wasted my breath to bring up these incidences with him now he would make the same arguments, blame me and gas me until the room spins even though his actions since those days prove without a doubt that he was priming himself up for an affair. His motivation? To look and feel like the "good guy" no matter how awful of a person he truly is. He doesn't actually have to be a good person, he just needs people to believe it. Sick bastard.

I definitely have to watch this movie when I get a chance.

dreamlife posted 6/28/2013 16:14 PM

AKA a...Mind F*ck.

CharlieFoxtrot posted 6/28/2013 16:39 PM

This one hits home for me, too... I watched that movie a couple months ago and it was very insightful, triggery in a gross but strengthening way, as I could finally recognize that *I'm not crazy* and *I never was*!!

Housefulloflove~ the X pulled that same shit with me, even compared himself to David with a wandering eye, a harem, and a man after God's own heart

It's been awhile since I could post freely bc of some of his crazy stunts during the D... But I tell you guys truly, freedom is so very sweet❤

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