"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

ErinD posted 6/27/2013 20:28 PM

I found out at the end of feb 2012. My husband works out in the field for 36 hours. I was on Facebook on my phone figuring it out. I found the others folder and there was a anonymous message coming from a husband saying sorry to tell but your husband and my wife had a ongoing affair. It was such a chicken shit way of writing to the letter I responded back saying yeah right who is this.
Anyway call him at work saying did u know there is others folder this is what someone wrote. Go ahead and get on my account and read it. He calls me back gives me a story about some jerk husband of a person he was at training with. He'll tell me more tomorrow when he gets home.
Red flags go up but not much I can do at that point. I see the next am he has deleted The message. Red flag.
He gets home gives me this bullshit story. I don't yell but tell him I don't be
Believe him. It comes out while he was at training may 2011 he started a affair. But the message mentioned training and another meeting in Fl where we live. He said he had no idea what that was about. Words can not explain how I felt. I was 6wks out from giving birth to our second child. The hormones made everything 1000 times worse. I'm so proud of myself, I did not over react we started therapy to work on out marriage.
Well I went into want I call my crazy stalker mode. I tried to get my hands on any form of proof. He did a excellent job of deleting the emails. But I got the phone records and lost it. There were calls and texts everyday all day. I got the records about a month after DD. With that proof it came out they did meet again in fl when she just happened to come to visit her family an hour from where we live. This was about three weeks after the training and they never meet up after that. They had sex once during this visit and then just the texts and calls after that.
I was devastated all over again. From the beginning when he asked what I needed I told him 1. The truth 2. Transparency and 3. Show me extra affection.
He was still lying.
MC was helping, but with the new baby hormones I was a wreak.
Our MC was awesome but we stopped after 5 months dt just being busy.
But I was still stalker crazy. Looking for anything I could find. I made a person on FB built up friends and after a few months friended her. She accepted. I went over her page and found out he lied about the amount of time she was in fl confronted him and found out they did meet more times. That they had had sex one other time and now he swears he has told me the whole truth. This was about four months ago.
I just don't know what to believe.
He answers all my questions in detail but there is still a part of me that thinks he is holding back. He was very willing to go into therapy , reads books with me says all the right words. I just don't feel it. If that makes sense.
He hasn't had contact with her as far as I can find since feb 2011 and that is the last time he says they had contact she still lives in another state.
So we r trying. I take it one day at a time and am so thankful to have found this site. Thanks for taking the time to read my story hopefully I've made sense.

Athena1979 posted 6/27/2013 21:39 PM

I think the most important thing I have learned from these forums, is the reason people cheat.

My WH blamed me for everything.

But then I realized that he was cheating because of his own depression.

He mentioned to me that he has no self confidence and can't believe how strong and confident I am.

Well.. Self confidence comes from...yourself.

I can't help or make my husband have confidence in himself.

And puchasing prostitutes (which is what my husband is STILL doing) is not how normal people get confidence.

It's like how some people do drugs or drink. It's makes them feel good. It's like self medication for some deeper problem they have with themselves.

The best thing that someone commented on for me from this forum, when I first shared my story is this: you are responsible for 50% of the marriage. He's responsible for 100% of the affair.

I don't think you're a crazy stalker. The other thing I learned from my ordeal, is I WiSH so badly that I had snooped when my gut was telling me something was up.

Women's intuition is powerful.

Here's a tip. If you have Verizon wireless, get your husbands permission to put integrated messaging on his phone. All of his text messages will be forwarded to your phone, tablet or computer.

If he's honest, he will give you permission. And you can feel a little bit better.

Good luck to you through this ordeal.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/27/2013 23:23 PM

there was a anonymous message coming from a husband saying sorry to tell but your husband and my wife had a ongoing affair. It was such a chicken shit way of writing to the letter I responded back saying yeah right who is this.

I really hope that you don't still feel that the guy that sent you this message was a *chicken shit*.

Informing you about the infidelity took a great amount of courage. Informing the *other* spouse is a pretty 'hot' topic on SI.....and it is NOT a decision that is made lightly. Mainly because of a fear of a response very similar to yours.

And of course your WH abided by the Cheater's Handbook and deleted the *evidence* of the BH's contact. How lovely. Disappear the evidence and it's like it never happened!

Here's my advice. Contact the OW's BH. Thank him for informing you. And compare notes. "Sorry that I blew you off. I was blindsided by your message. My WH's story doesn't make sense. Here's what I know. What do you know?" The BH is a MUCH more reliable source of the information that you are seeking than your WH is.

ErinD posted 6/28/2013 00:49 AM

Thank you for the posts. They have really helped.
Athena1979- he does blame me for the affair. If I hadn't been like that or had done that he wouldn't have felt so desperate to get those needs somewhere else. Where I know we had problems that we needed to work on. What makes me so mad and I've told him this. "Then you leave. You don't go somewhere else and stay with me"
It's our round and round argument we always have. Your 50% 100% comment really hits the mark and has helped me.
We don't have Verizon. I called DD to see if I could get copies of texts from AT&T but they said no. I would pay good money to get my hands on those comments.

Gonnabe2016- I said chicken because of the way the message was sent. Should have gone into more detail,but I was already writing so much I didn't want to overwhelm.
I do appreciate that someone let me know. It takes a lot of courage and I applaud anyone who lets the other spouse know.
However I have no idea who wrote it. It came from a anynonous user. I say husband because it was worded "I just want u to know my wife and your husband had a affair at training and fl". It wasn't signed and it had no more details. Thats why I siad chicken way. I know his first and last name and have tried finding him on FB. By picture tags other friends of friends. I haven't been able to find a account. I would love to find out if it was really him who sent it and what he might know. I have googled him on numerous occasions and can't find him.
And a par of me wonders if it even was him. They were separated at the time of the affair d/t a affair he had with another co-worker that occured a few months before training and they have since divorced. The stayed separated up till the divorce. So would he write it like that. Why would he care. I know their details from reading her FB page and her friends posts. Im not just getting these details from my spouse who could be lying.
That was how my husbands relationship started with her. They where discussing their marital issues The message came a week after I posted our newborns photo as both mine and my husbands profile pic. Over a year since their last contact that I could find/he said. But there could be something more hidden that I haven't found.
In all honestly I've thought along with the MC that it might have been the other women being vindictive and she sent it. He said he complained so much about our marriage and it takes a lot of fertility help for us to get pregnant, she knew this. He discussed our fertility issues with her. And to all of a sudden to see a new baby. Oh man I think that might have set her off and she might of sent it.
Funny thing this pregnancy was un assisted, total surprise. Our miracle baby.
What was suppose to be this amazing time for all of us was shattered. I'm glad it came out, it needed to. However I still mourn the loss of just being able to enjoy this new life.
It's been a great year and a half and then not so great.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/28/2013 01:32 AM

That's the *messed up* thing about your lovely WH deleting the message. Now you have no way of contacting the OBH again.....because any contact info is *gone*. And you *really* need his input right now.

I think that your MC is wrong. I strongly doubt that the AP sent that message to you.

So would he write it like that. Why would he care.

Because you deserve to know the truth about what is happening in your life. Would you have had any idea that your WH was doing this crap if you hadn't received that email?????