SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

hobbeskat posted 6/27/2013 20:33 PM

My WH wants me to stop being angry at the OW. He said it could have been anyone and he didn't respect her.

But during the A he was so defensive of her. When he told me he talked about how cute she was and how much he fancied her. And she was our closest friend and she lied to me, even offered to move in with me when he walked out. I find all that so hard to get over. It really is a double betrayal and I can vent my anger at him, not her. She was at our wedding, my hen night.

But I know its holding me back. But I hate her. How do you let go?

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 8:36 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

fourever posted 6/27/2013 21:30 PM

3yrs out. Still want to hurt her! Sucks! Everyone says don't give her real estate in your head. But, i have yet to figure out how to do that!

Deanna posted 6/27/2013 21:38 PM

Double betrayal is probably one of the hardest betrayals to get over. My husband had an affair with my sisters best friend.
You don't let the anger go but with time it subsides a lot. When I think of her now I feel nothing. No, that's not true, I pity her. Her and her husband swept the affair under the rug. They didn't fix their problems. It is only a matter of time that she will cheat again!

avicarswife posted 6/27/2013 22:06 PM

From your WH's perspective maybe she could have been anyone.

But she wasn't anyone! She was your best friend.

It sounds like your husband hasn't 'got' the double betrayal you have suffered.

Give yourself a break - it is still early in your healing. I think actually it is normal to hate the OW - particularly when it feels like they got off 'scot free' - it is unjust.

I am over a year out - I don't think I hate mOW#1 quite as much as I did initially. I still despise her. I think of her as a immoral , evil, selfish and the biggest manipulating liar I have ever encountered. She has no remorse and I have now heard from 2 people she has "no regrets and isn't sorry in any way" for what occurred. It is hard to make peace in in your heart when someone is remorseless. MOW#2 on the other hand is very remorseful and has apologised to me. Somehow that soothes some (not all)of it.

The most helpful thing in taking my focus off them is seeing that my WH has maintained NC, he appears to have no interest in contacting them (I still worry), his ongoing apologies and him being consistent in going to IC, MC and working on changing.

(((hobbeskat)))

Ladyogilvy posted 6/27/2013 22:10 PM

I have a similar issue with my WH's business partners. We were close for many years, when WH had his A they betrayed me. Everyone protected OW but not me because they assumed we were getting divorced and without WH they wouldn't get their big fat paychecks. They were horrible to me. One let him stay at her house when he wasn't welcome here, after having told me she didn't want to get involved. The other actually called the police to try to have me removed from WH's office and keep me from looking for evidence when WH wasn't there. I didn't know WH wasn't going to be there but since he wasn't, I was going to look through drawers while he was gone. What I did find was a bag full of my favorite jewelry my WH had stolen from me the previous summer and made me think I had lost it.

2 years later, I still hate them. WH does not hate them. He has lunches with them and swears he has to despite all the rent we pay for meeting rooms. This is a huge ongoing issue between us. OW? I didn't know her. I'm sure I met her at the firm Christmas party where she put her underwear in his pocket but I don't remember. She was someone else's secretary at the office. He's still never admitted to it but doesn't deny it anymore either. There's another woman who was spending too much time in his office after hours. His office manager changed her hours to keep the woman from being there late enough in the day for that to continue. She's still there even though he said he would get rid of her. He'd only said it because he thought she was leaving but he was wrong. Just another one of his many lies. His office manager was out on maternity leave when the shit hit the fan around there and she's the only one there I can stand... Not that I've gone to the office in the 2 years since it all went down.

If I can want my WH's partners eviscerated for their betrayal around the A... You can certainly be expected to continue being pissed off with OW. Seriously, there is no forgiving some things. There can be acceptance that some people are a waste of food and you are better off without them in your life. But even that takes time... without them anywhere near your life during that time. Too bad it's so hard to hold people accountable for their actions... I mean, if someone wrecks your car, they have to pay for it. If they are home wreckers they walk away with no consequences. That's not right.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 10:12 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Tired05 posted 6/27/2013 22:18 PM

My WH gets mad when I show how angry I am at her. He says 'she didn't talk about you like that, why would you talk about her like that?' I said, she probably did talk about me, she just didn't say it to you on the off chance you might get defensive and she didn't wanna risk the grasp she had on you. I bet she thought about me and talked to everyone else about all those stereotypical things about the BS that the WS say. She probably thought she was saving him from some sad and horrible marriage and controlling wife. In addition, she had no reason to talk about me, I do. He hates it when I call her a name. During the A, he would protect her to the ends of the Earth...when he says things like this, I feel like he is still protecting her.

I have no idea how to get over OW. The most recent one was the longest and the one with the emotional connection, so she is the one I focus on. I rage when I think about her. Steaming coming out of my ears, everything. If I ever have the misfortune of meeting her, on the outside I will appear as carefree and unaffected by her as possible, but inside my head I will be thinking about beating her up in every way imaginable.

Sue1964 posted 6/27/2013 23:20 PM

I wasted to much time thinking about ow jut don't they are a waste of time.u enjoy your life and let them lead their sad little life's.
I've gone on to have a great time.and now makes me laugh she put her life on hold for all those years and ended up with nothing.
That is the karma!

laliz posted 6/27/2013 23:45 PM

First off, I'm sorry to hear about the double betrayal. I am also the BS of a double betrayal, and although I feel light years better now than I did 5 months ago, I still have my struggles.

One of my biggest struggles was figuring out how to distinguish between the OW and my WS (mostly in terms of who I was more angry/disgusted at). Once I accepted that not only were they one and the same, but that in all honesty, my WS was more culpable because of the betrayal he brought into our marriage, it helped me let go a little of my hate for her (just a little). Then, on the advice of some super supportive friends, I allowed myself to have all of the revenge fantasies I wanted, including come up with Plans A, B and C if I were to bump into her. Just allowing myself to release some of that anxiety and negative energy was really helpful.

Lastly, and probably the least immature (but the most fun!), my friends and I came up with our own way of warning the community of OW's 'unpleasant' ways. Because the OW was always baking cookies and dropping them off at my WS's business (which she did with the other man she cheated on her husband with before mine), we took it upon ourselves to make sure that others knew to hide their men.....you can PM me if you want to check out the tumblr page....it's all in good fun and so awesomely cathartic!

heartbroken2012 posted 6/28/2013 07:32 AM

You are not alone. I HATE the OW to the point of daydreaming (daily) horrible malicious things happen to her...like her burning in a fire.

I dont suspect the hate will subside anytime soon for me.

If you figure out the secret, let me know, but in the meantime...I feel for you.

<hugs>

Lalagirl posted 6/28/2013 07:43 AM

My WH wants me to stop being angry at the OW.

Really? Obviously you didn't WANT him to screw your friend. We don't always get what we want, do we?

I totally get where you're coming from. Double betrayal sucks. I will always detest xOW. That is my choice. But I choose to not let her occupy space in my head.

I chose to forgive and R with FWH because I took vows with him - I owe xOW NOTHING. She is a malicious, sick person and I choose to stay away from all toxic people.

FWH did the same defending crap too - "she's a good person" - "she respects you" (ooookaayyy...)...very frustrating. He gets sick to his stomach now as he knows her true colors and that he was an idiot who fell for her bullshit charm.

So "letting go" is something that takes time. You will always have feelings of hatred for her, but won't think about her so much as time goes by.

Hugs,

Lala

Lalagirl posted 6/28/2013 07:44 AM

...hit send too soon...

I wanted to ask - you refer to your H is "WH" - is he still in the A?

womaninflux posted 6/28/2013 09:47 AM

How I have been getting over OW:

Therapy revealed some significant family history and traumatic events in H's past that contributed greatly to relationship/intimacy behavior patterns which lead to eventual A. Also, H is getting assessed for suspected Sex Addiction (porn, intimacy issues with primary partner, risk taking, double life, emotional problems).

Bottom line: I realize that NONE of this was in my control or is a reflection of what I did or did not do in my marriage. The OW was pretty much just a piece of ASS and he used her to feed his addiction. She made it very convenient for him - apartment near his work, ability to get out of work on a moment's notice to be with him, friends with a ring of other girls who were up to the same tricks and into sex as well. Also, a friend of mine did some investigating and she found out that OW is notoriously after rich men. So, it's not like my H is so special.

Yes, I am still angry that this happened and about all of the collateral damage. But I have a healthier perspective on it.

MartlArts posted 6/28/2013 11:08 AM

I struggled for a long time w/anger (rage) at wannabe OW and she and I never met. I can't imagine how I'd feel if she was supposed to be my friend.

My H had seen through her (somewhat) before dday, so at least I didn't have to deal with the fog. He did say he hoped someday I'd be able to pity her as a desperately lonely person, because he thought it would be healthier for me than rage and hate. I'm kinda almost there, but it's taken 3 years.

Anger and hate can eat you alive, but I don't know if you can reasonably be expected to let it go soon.

hobbeskat posted 6/28/2013 12:27 PM

Thank you all so much for your wisdom. I'm ill at the mo so not up to typing much.

In terms of WH, that's what he'll be until I trust him again. He did NC pretty much straight away so not in A.

undonelife posted 6/28/2013 13:19 PM

I do have disgust for the mOW. There are times Id love to punch her lights out & then take scissors to her head & cut all her hair off. She could have said 'no im married I cant do that to my husband'. I feel sorry for her husband cause he still doesnt know 6 months out. But mostly my hate & disgust is for My WH. He knew better. He knew what this would do to me but he didn't act like a man. I'm still in the how could he do this stage and am furious w him. I don't have room in my head for many thoughts of her.

Ostrich80 posted 6/28/2013 15:10 PM

Getting over ow?? It's the betrayal that is hard to get over and if she was your friend that may not happen, this getting over her thing. Him defending her doesn't help matters. When my ws said don't be mad at ow, I started the sexting....I told him, defend her ass again and I will walk out and never speak t o you again, after I would give him a swift kick to the balls. Eff that. That sent me into a hatred of her that I never knew I had.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 3:13 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

hobbeskat posted 6/28/2013 16:12 PM

He isn't so much defending as saying my rage at her detracts from my anger t him. He thinks that me going into rants about how much I hate her is my deflecting from how much I hate him. And it is to an extent. And I guess its also selfish of him as he finds discussion of her difficult as hes ashamed.

crazyblindsided posted 6/28/2013 16:59 PM

I think I am just now getting over the MOW. As much as her recent contacting me caused so much interference a week later I feel relived for some reason, like I can let her go now.

She said a lot of nasty things to me and what I finally realized is that EVERY SINGLE THING SHE SAID was not true except the tidbit my WH gave her a year ago. Even my WH said that she was batshit crazy and not to believe a word she says.

She apologized to me for bringing pain into my life and wished me well.

I actually pity her now. I pity her because she thinks that it is okay to have a relationship with a MM if both people want it. I pity her because she thinks the reason my WH is staying with me is because I might kill myself and that is not true as I confirmed with WH. I pity her because she is now a single mom struggling to take care of her daughter (her BS left her after I disclosed broken contact). I pity her because she thinks that I obsess about her everyday, which is not the case.

I can honestly say I have finally let my anger go towards her. She just became a non-entity in my life. She just holds no value for me and has no place in my M or in my life anymore.

I hope for all of you struggling to get over the OW that you get to that place of indifference. The OW really are meaningless and nothing.

anemie posted 6/28/2013 21:11 PM

She broke the unspoken "girl code". After my first husband and I split up my now former married best friend started sleeping with him. I honestly wasn't mad at my ex, he could sleep with whomever he wanted but she broke that unwritten rule where a friend or coworker does not under any circumstance go after your current or ex significant other. It has taken a long time but I forgave her but I refuse to be friends with her or associate with her ever again.
You will get "over" it when you are ready.

RidingHealingRd posted 6/29/2013 22:01 PM

WH wants me to stop being angry at the OW

Tell him you will once he "unfucks" her.

Really, it is not his place to suggest when, or even if, you will ever stop being angry with her.

No doubt in my mind I will hate the MOW forever. Fortunately, she is hundreds of miles away, and someone I never knew. 2.5yrs post Dday and she is a non entity in my world.