"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Deeply Scared posted 6/27/2013 21:28 PM

Even though it's been 13 years since d-day, sometimes you (general term) really get thrown off balance.

Long story...kind of short

Several months ago MH and I moved the location of our company, we spent months prior running reports...looking at the pros and cons, etc. In the end we made the move...leaving our beloved building after many, many years there.

Anyway...moving a company is a huge, I mean, HUGE undertaking...especially when you're a web development/hosting company...many variables have to be coordinated. That was my task. Making sure our vendors, banking, customers and contractors all were on the same page.

Ok...that was the long part of it

One of our vendors sent us a bill back in March saying we were still under contract until January of 2014 and that we either could continue our normal quarterly payments or do a pay out of a certain amount.

For some riduculous reason...I panicked I paid the quartely amount that was due and didn't tell MH. The amount wasn't the issue that I freaked out over...it was that I thought he would be angry at me for our company still owing money to this vendor.

Anyway...for 2 months I've been feeling sick to my stomach over this. Every morning...I would walk outside and try to figure out how I could tell him what was going on. This morning while he was in the kitchen getting a cup of coffee...I said "I need to talk to you and you're probably going to be really mad at me" so I just blurted out what was going on.

MH put his coffee cup down and said "so what..it's not your fault. We need to pay them? Ok...pay them the last two installments" But he was very concerned on why I didn't tell him earlier...I have been as well.

His reaction solidified why I *can* trust him when difficult and unpleasant things come up...I really need to remember what a patient man he is

So I had a pretty heavy dose of guilt and and a valuable lesson in always being honest

uncertainone posted 6/27/2013 22:01 PM

(((DS)))

You guys are awesome. It's nice to see there can be hiccups that don't turn into projectile vomiting.

Panic is so disruptive.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/27/2013 22:06 PM

(((DS)))

Wow. A couple of months?? That must have been torture for you! I recently tried to do a painting as a gift for H and tried to keep it from him. I HATED the sneaking and secrecy. In the end, I blabbed.

Deeply Scared posted 6/27/2013 22:13 PM

UO...

Panick is such a terrible feeling. And I think it always leads to shitty decisions. Case in point.

TIKY...

Yes, 2 months Everyday and everynight it was at the forefront of my thinking. I would tell myself "today is the day to tell mh..." and then I'd see him having so much fun or being in a great mood, or cooking his breakfast...etc., and I'll I could think was I was going to be the one, again, to ruin his perception of me

I screwed myself into a wall. But after I confessed today...his reaction today *almost* brought me to my knees in the laundry room whe I was alone

All I could say to myself was...thank God I chose to be honest. It may have taken me longer than I wanted...but I did the right thing.

deeplysad posted 6/27/2013 22:22 PM

I'm glad you feel better and you learned a valuable lesson.

((((DS))))

I did something similar a few months ago. I hired a arborist and we agreed on the price and somehow I got suckered into paying hundreds more.

I was terrified to tell my H and when I finally got the courage to tell him, he just said, "wow, it's not often someone puts something over on you." He wasn't even mad at me but he was pretty pissed at the guy.

Deeply Scared posted 6/27/2013 22:26 PM

I'm VERY surprised!! Nothing gets passed you!

MoreWould posted 6/27/2013 22:30 PM

And we wonder why our beloved waywards have such a hard time spilling the beans... ...

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/27/2013 22:38 PM

Thinking more about this:

I think MH has shown, repeatedly, that he is a kind and patient man.

So, I'm thinking that hiding it had less to do with fear of his reaction and more to do with how YOU felt (about yourself). That maybe you felt shame about it? (Not really sure why, since it wasn't a screw-up, just natural consequences of the move.) And thought he would think less of you because of it? Did YOU think less of you because of it??

Deeply Scared posted 6/27/2013 22:44 PM

YES!! On all counts you just mentioned!!!

I felt just terrible...so low, so disappointed in myself and that just maginfied with how I thought MH would view me.

We've overcome so much, worked through HUGE obstacles and gained such a deep and powerful love...the last thing I wanted to do was pull any of that away.

Fear. Anxiety. Panick. They all suck and they all can take control and put me in a dark place...by my own doing, which just made me feel even worse about it all.

Fallen posted 6/27/2013 22:47 PM

Isn't it weird how these things are so simple but we sometimes set ourselves up because of fear? DS, I've been where you are, and it's a terrible feeling to have to own up. For me it's a mixed bag of "isn't my husband amazing" to "I'm a freaking idiot why does this amazing man stay with me" to "that wasn't so hard."

Hugs to you both... it just shows how far you've both come in rebuilding your life together.

Deeply Scared posted 6/27/2013 22:50 PM

For me it's a mixed bag of "isn't my husband amazing" to "I'm a freaking idiot why does this amazing man stay with me" to "that wasn't so hard."

If you could have said it any more accurate, you would have been sitting on my lap just now

Love you to pieces Fallen

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/27/2013 22:53 PM

YES!! On all counts you just mentioned!!!

OK. Here comes my H's FAVORITE question: Why? Why did you feel shame? (And I'm not asking about the part where you were hiding it. The shame came in before that.)

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 10:53 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Deeply Scared posted 6/27/2013 23:00 PM

TIKY...

I'm going to take your challenge and see if I can answer that.

Give me until tomorrow...I need time to think this through...thank you for this!

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/27/2013 23:19 PM

Take your time. You're not really answering it for me, but for yourself, anyway.

I'm sure it has FOO origins. Based on a conversation we had via PM a few years back, I think I know what it is. But ME knowing what it is does nothing to help YOU. It's important that you figure it out and work through it.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/27/2013 23:39 PM

I'm not *getting* it.

You had a contract and you paid a bill.

Where's the problem?

Jrazz posted 6/27/2013 23:45 PM

I'm proud of you for the blurt out. That IS nervewracking, even if the reality of the situation is that it's not your fault, and MH is going to be completely understanding about it.

Oh man, I know that feeling... but blurting and sharing rather than burying it down deeper? That's all kinds of growth.

((((((((((((((((((DS))))))))))))))) <-- 2 months worth of hugs.

authenticnow posted 6/28/2013 05:06 AM

(((DS)))

His reaction solidified why I *can* trust him when difficult and unpleasant things come up...I really need to remember what a patient man he is

I agree that it's more about you and why you panicked and felt shame. Keep digging, sweetie . Big hugs.

EmotionalFool posted 6/28/2013 06:12 AM

I am currently reading Brene Brown's "I thought it was just me". Its a good book to read about shame. She has suggested whenver one feels shame, write down "I want to be perceived as ---, ---, --- AND I dont want to be perceived as ---, ---, ---." And then think why you feel so strongly about things you dont want to be perceived as.

I havent tried it myself yet but I thought it might help you

[This message edited by EmotionalFool at 6:13 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

Clarrissa posted 6/28/2013 07:15 AM

DS, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that perhaps you felt guilty and ashamed because you perceived a screw up with the vendor (even though there was none) and (automatically?) assigned blame to yourself. I find myself doing that occasionally. Minor screw up happens and I think "what did I do wrong?" Even something as simple as forgetting to get something at the store. Or forgetting something *at* the store. Nothing major, like a cannister of coffee. Did that a couple weeks ago and for the next few days I was berating myself because I didn't make sure we had everything. It didn't matter that H was with me. In my mind it was *my* fault it had been left.

I think intellectually you know it wasn't a screw up at all and you were in no way at fault but emotionally it was a different story. Sometimes the two just don't line up.

Deeply Scared posted 6/28/2013 10:23 AM

I'm sure it has FOO origins. Based on a conversation we had via PM a few years back, I think I know what it is.

TIKY...
Oh my gosh...you have a very good memory!! I'm positive you're right. Fear of letting someone that I love down is deeply embedded in me. Which I suppose isn't all bad, it helps me navigate to make good decisions. Minus this fuck up

Thank you for reminding me of the core issue...you set off a light bulb in my head

GonnaBe...

The problem was that I didn't tell MH that we were still under contract with this vendor...instead I paid the bill without his knowledge. Which also meant I hid it from the reports and reconciliations I supply him every Friday.

Everyone else...thank you so much for your words of encouragment and support. It's not easy admitting that this far out I screwed up by witholding something from MH

HUGE lesson learned. We're back on track and walking our path together