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Still feeling crazy after a year

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Scrn2008 posted 6/27/2013 22:46 PM

My story started a year ago. My daughter was only 5 weeks old when I found out my husband was having an affair with his coworker. I was completely blind sided. Not only did I have a newborn baby,but I also had an almost 3 year old, my mother had just gotten out of the hospital after being critically ill, and my father was dying from cancer. My world fell apart. I started dating my husband when I was 16 years old, and at the time I found out I was 28. The more I found out, the more crushed I was. I discovered that he had even gone away for a weekend vacation while I was 8 months pregnant, and he to,d me he was going with "the guys" from work. I feel so stupid. I put all of my trust and faith in this man, and he betrayed me. A week after I found out, we were going to go to my parents house for Father's Day, and all of my siblings and nieces and nephews were going to be there because we knew it would be our last Father's Day with my dad, and we had not all been in the same place at the same time ever before. That morning my husband told me that we needed to talk that night,mi pushed him and pushed him into talking to me before we went to my parents house, that day he told me he wanted a divorce, that he hadn't felt anything for me for a long time, and that there was no passion between us. From there I had to go tell my dying dad that my husband was cheating on me, and was leaving me and our babies. That was one of the last lucid days my dad had. The next day my husband came home and said he wanted to work things out, My life has been a roller coaster for a year now, and I hate roller coasters. The woman my husband cheated on me with has been downright evil to me, and told me that she has been in my house, that my husband never wanted our daughter, and that she doesn't owe me an apology for anything. She is also married and has 2 kids, and he's I did tell her husband about her affair. I just and still struggling because of what a difficult time it was in my life,and what a significant time it was in my life. Looking back at phone records, I can see that my husband called his girlfriend 7 times the day our daughter was born, while he was at the hospitals with me! Who does that? He says he has told me the truth about everything, but I don't believe him. I don't trust him, and his affair has completely consumed my life. I have done counseling, been put on antidepressants, and nothing helps. I am so up and down all the time, and so sad and lost. I can't sleep a lot of nights because I just can't stop thinking about it. I feel l,e I need to know every detail, so I a, constantly badgering him and bringing it up, and it is making things so much worse, I just don't know how to move on. I feel like I have completely lost it, and I don't know what to do anymore.

Jospehine85 posted 6/27/2013 23:12 PM

(((Scrn2008))) I feel your pain. I wish I could take it away for you.

Is your WH being supportive when you ask your questions? How does he respond?

Ladyogilvy posted 6/27/2013 23:19 PM

All I can say is you're not alone... There's nothing crazy about feeling crazy after a year.

Scrn2008 posted 6/27/2013 23:33 PM

He gets mad now when I ask questions. He says we have been over it all a thousand times, and he feels like I am interrogating him. I may have asked the questions a thousand times, but I still don't feel like I have answers. I just don't understand it. I want concrete proof of everything, and there is o such thing. I would rather be hurt with the truth than comforted with a lie. I feel like this man I still love with all my heart is a stranger, and I don't even know him. I can't believe the woman he chose to cheat on me with is so downright evil and hateful. I even feel like I hate him sometimes, and how am I supposed to make my marriage work when I feel like that? I used to be such a happy, level headed, smart person, and now I just feel sad, angry, bitter, resentful, completely irrational and so much more. I feel lost, and I just want to get back to the person I used to be, but I feel like that person is gone forever.

HurtButHopeful? posted 6/27/2013 23:34 PM

You're not really crazy, you are just a normal person suffering as a result of a terrible breach of trust.

I felt so sad for you as I read your post. Infidelity is such a deep betrayal, and how it is conducted over a period of time takes it to a deeper (painful) level.

The way I found out about the infidelity was very similar to yours. I was totally devastated, I felt like a total idiot not having any idea, trusting, and all the past seemed like a total lie I had been living.

Life is different now. Your (and my) wonderful life has been tainted, but maybe we can be happy again on a different level again. Others here have regained happiness in their marriages, and maybe we will have that again too.

You are not alone, and you are not crazy.

Hugs for you (((((Scrn2008)))))

HurtButHopeful? posted 6/27/2013 23:41 PM

Have you read The Healing Library? The link to it is in the yellow box at the upper left hand corner of your screen. You will find there that your feelings are not abnormal, and the stages and time frames you can expect.

Your husband sounds like he is rug-sweeping, and wants it to just go away. He doesn't seem to understand the depth of what he has done, and that the damage to you is not gotton over quickly. It can take years to recover (up to 5 years) I'm 4 years out and still feel like you are feeling sometimes. I will never feel 100% "safe" (meaning trusting him with my well-being) with him again. He has proven that he is not stable in our marraige....he can choose to stray.

Keep posting. There are more experienced, and successfully reconciled people on this site who can better encourage you since they are out of the thick of it and have hind site.

Ariabook posted 6/27/2013 23:47 PM

(( SCRN2008))

homewrecked2011 posted 6/28/2013 00:10 AM


The one thing I get from your post is that you feel trapped. You want the truth, you want support, you want him to say it will never happen again, but he isn't giving you all that. Scrn2008, I think you have forgotten that you don't have to stay married to him. You think you do for your children, but you don't.

I will be honest with you, I just recently learned on this site that he, you AND the marriage have to be healed. I was married to an alcoholic previously, and AFTER he got sober, I left him. Why? because HE went to treatment, I went to counseling, but he would not go with me to MC to heal/work on the marriage itself. So I ended up divorcing him.

In one way it's that way with my current WH. He wanted to come back to our home after he left and I told him, "Only with Marriage counseling. I do not want a fake marriage I want it all". HE would not do that for our children and me, so I divorced him.

The line of respect is being crossed in your marriage and you are free to start thinking about a real marriage. What I and several of my friends have done was set up appts at a marriage counselor. Asked our husbands to go. If they say no, go to it alone, and let the MC know you are here to find a way to see IF your marriage can be saved, and if not, you want to be strong enough to leave. Go for 6 months at least and then if you are ready, make a decision.

Someone on here said that time doesn't heal the pain, our hard work during the time is what heals us.

Also, I read a book, Love Must Be Tough. It is a quick, easy read about how the line of respect has been crossed too many times with your H and how to say NO MORE effectively. I got the book at the library. It's what helped me stand up to WH, because I wanted him back home so badly, but after only 2 chapters was I able to claim what I deserved: a loving, remorseful husband dedicated to marriage counseling for our family.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 12:12 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

ErinD posted 6/28/2013 01:34 AM

Your story sounds basically like mine. But my new baby was 6wks and we had a 5 year old. My husband also responds the same way most times. He says he is tired of answering the same things over and over. But I feel like there is something more there so I keep asking expecting more to come out. Cause overtime more has come out.
At the beginning I didn't make any big decisions. I knew the hormones from a new baby could make it hard to process everything. We are now about a year and a half out from DD and we r still trying. It's not easy. I don't know if its going to work out. It is terrifying for me to think about leaving. We have been together 18 years. I'm not that happy mom anymore either.
I wish I had left when I first found out. Had alone time to think.
Have you thought about a different counselor. And I second the comment you do not have to stay married to him.
I wish I had some better wisdom to give. This is a great place, with wonderful support. I hope you start feeling better soon.

Jennifer99 posted 6/28/2013 07:34 AM

Hugs to you :(

I just had a major break down at the one year mark and went into IC the first time ever in my life. And googled "get over cheating spouse" and found SI.

In the last month I have come to realize dishonoring my feelings of "get out" is what is giving me the most problems.

I thought I had to stay for our son. I thought I had to try and make an effort after 19 years together, 10 married.

Once that realization hit then I started to get a lot of "why's" from my therapist.

I didn't have any real answer.

Once I accepted the fact that I was the only one wanting to work on making a better relationship, once I admitted he did not, it hurt (a lot) but suddenly everything became clearer.

And he doesn't even know it yet. I have a lot to do to be ready to be on my own. I'm financially self-sufficient but I have health problems. I have to get healthy for my son so I can be good for him when the shit hits the fan.

I'm working on that now and that is my only focus, not fixing H or fixing M, just fixing me. Its a major load off my shoulders.

I think that is the point of 180 - if you just work on fixing you, even if you haven't made any decision re: R yet... YOU will be better eventually regardless of the status of your M.

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