Is your WH being supportive when you ask your questions? How does he respond?
I felt so sad for you as I read your post. Infidelity is such a deep betrayal, and how it is conducted over a period of time takes it to a deeper (painful) level.
The way I found out about the infidelity was very similar to yours. I was totally devastated, I felt like a total idiot not having any idea, trusting, and all the past seemed like a total lie I had been living.
Life is different now. Your (and my) wonderful life has been tainted, but maybe we can be happy again on a different level again. Others here have regained happiness in their marriages, and maybe we will have that again too.
You are not alone, and you are not crazy.
Hugs for you (((((Scrn2008)))))
His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley
Love Busters by Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband by Reb Bradley
Your husband sounds like he is rug-sweeping, and wants it to just go away. He doesn't seem to understand the depth of what he has done, and that the damage to you is not gotton over quickly. It can take years to recover (up to 5 years) I'm 4 years out and still feel like you are feeling sometimes. I will never feel 100% "safe" (meaning trusting him with my well-being) with him again. He has proven that he is not stable in our marraige....he can choose to stray.
Keep posting. There are more experienced, and successfully reconciled people on this site who can better encourage you since they are out of the thick of it and have hind site.
The one thing I get from your post is that you feel trapped. You want the truth, you want support, you want him to say it will never happen again, but he isn't giving you all that. Scrn2008, I think you have forgotten that you don't have to stay married to him. You think you do for your children, but you don't.
I will be honest with you, I just recently learned on this site that he, you AND the marriage have to be healed. I was married to an alcoholic previously, and AFTER he got sober, I left him. Why? because HE went to treatment, I went to counseling, but he would not go with me to MC to heal/work on the marriage itself. So I ended up divorcing him.
In one way it's that way with my current WH. He wanted to come back to our home after he left and I told him, "Only with Marriage counseling. I do not want a fake marriage I want it all". HE would not do that for our children and me, so I divorced him.
The line of respect is being crossed in your marriage and you are free to start thinking about a real marriage. What I and several of my friends have done was set up appts at a marriage counselor. Asked our husbands to go. If they say no, go to it alone, and let the MC know you are here to find a way to see IF your marriage can be saved, and if not, you want to be strong enough to leave. Go for 6 months at least and then if you are ready, make a decision.
Someone on here said that time doesn't heal the pain, our hard work during the time is what heals us.
Also, I read a book, Love Must Be Tough. It is a quick, easy read about how the line of respect has been crossed too many times with your H and how to say NO MORE effectively. I got the book at the library. It's what helped me stand up to WH, because I wanted him back home so badly, but after only 2 chapters was I able to claim what I deserved: a loving, remorseful husband dedicated to marriage counseling for our family.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 12:12 AM, June 28th (Friday)]
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
I just had a major break down at the one year mark and went into IC the first time ever in my life. And googled "get over cheating spouse" and found SI.
In the last month I have come to realize dishonoring my feelings of "get out" is what is giving me the most problems.
I thought I had to stay for our son. I thought I had to try and make an effort after 19 years together, 10 married.
Once that realization hit then I started to get a lot of "why's" from my therapist.
I didn't have any real answer.
Once I accepted the fact that I was the only one wanting to work on making a better relationship, once I admitted he did not, it hurt (a lot) but suddenly everything became clearer.
And he doesn't even know it yet. I have a lot to do to be ready to be on my own. I'm financially self-sufficient but I have health problems. I have to get healthy for my son so I can be good for him when the shit hits the fan.
I'm working on that now and that is my only focus, not fixing H or fixing M, just fixing me. Its a major load off my shoulders.
I think that is the point of 180 - if you just work on fixing you, even if you haven't made any decision re: R yet... YOU will be better eventually regardless of the status of your M.