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The P/A Narcissist - comedy thread - who's got one??

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dumped&replaced posted 6/27/2013 23:18 PM

Ok been catching up on SI tonight (it's been awhile)..For those of us dealing with the Passive Aggressive/Narcissist - let's share some quick one hitters....I think we can all use some laughter.

I'll start it off:

Our son :" Dad, can you pay for this one summer class I have to take?"

His father.."What is your mother putting toward it? Put her on the phone"


" I will NOT be nickel and dimed to death"....with his voice shaking

Reality: he moved in with his girlfriend 2 years ago, has given his college age sons NOTHING since ... he makes over $100,000 a year which is 3 x more than me even WITH alimony and I pay their phones, car, insurance, clothing, food and shelter when they are home ... but he will NOT BE NICKLE AND DIMED TO DEATH


OK, here's another one:

Me: "You said you would put the riding mower on craig's list to sell when we listed the house's now May and we sold the house in January. When will you do this"

him: crickets...

me, 4 days later: "hello? r u going to sell this or what?"

him: crickets....

Me (2 weeks later) "I went to our old neighbor's house who was nice enough to store the tractor and brought it to my new house. I will take care of it"

Him: "See , there ya go again dumped&replaced - you are SUCH a controlling bit**"


I could do this all night...Really? me and my girlfriends have almost peed our pants laughing at this kind of stuff...

Please share if you have more illustrations..........

SweetheartVixen posted 6/27/2013 23:54 PM

I am quite certain mine is a PA narc.
I don't know if this counts but last nite he offered to take me to GDs last ballgame. OK,I went as he was just in a wreck and drives(hes legally Blind) and a big storm was predicted.

He soon says get in the truck, time to go. Game was only half over and weather was fine. I didn't immediately jump and out he pulls. My 8 year old GS says would he realy go and make you walk all the way home. I said yea I am pretty sure he would. I either obey him right now or else. Don't know if he had a hot date or was missing his wresling.
Anyway GS runs to his truck as he is so confused and shook up.

I really wanted to stay but Ive had a splinter in my foot for a week and it was hurting at the time and I didn't think I could make the walk w/o sidewalks.

Wish I would have stayed and hopped home.

ETA: Oh I just saw where it said funny. Not to much about him is funny ATM. I will get there though. Every once in a while I just smile at his antics and stupidity. I guess control becomes funny when you are no longer being controlled. And I think I am almost there!

[This message edited by SweetheartVixen at 1:55 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

Bluebird26 posted 6/28/2013 00:12 AM

Oldest son refuses to visit xwh

Xwh: He will be made to come it's in our court orders blah blah (more about how it effects him)

Me: I am not stopping him from going.

Xwh: Yes you are, he can't continue to hide behind you. I am going to get the police and they will make him go. I'm going to get a lawyer.

Me: Ok.

Xwh: You can't control me and my life anymore, you are such a controlling bitch.

Me: Crickets

At next pick up X turns up and is nice as pie to me & youngest DS (no police) and they leave without incident.

Oldest DS: WTF is wrong with him he has some sort of personality disorder mean and nasty one minute and nice the next

Next one:

Xwh: you can't take the kids on holidays I won't let them go.

Me: why would you want to stop them having a holiday. They can have some fun, and experience some new things. The kids will love it.

Xwh: Because I can't have one why should they. You are not taking them on holiday.

Me: I am taking them to x location on this date and we will be back on x date. Here is a copy of our plane tickets etc. Contact info while we are away.

Xwh: You are not taking them on holiday I won't allow it.

Me: I don't need your permission refer to item 32 in our court orders.

Xwh: Whatever you can't take them out of the state without my permission. You are such a controlling bitch BB.

Me: See item 32 I don't need your permission.

Xwh: Yes you do, you can't take them it effects my time with them.

Me: No it doesn't it is during my vacation time with the children.

Xwh: You are not leaving the state with them, you don't have my permission.

Me: Crickets

Xwh: You can't take them on holidays.

Me: Crickets

Xwh: I will get the police they will meet you at the airport and stop you from boarding the plane with them.

Me: Crickets

XWH: I have seen a lawyer you can't take them out of the state without my permission. They will not be going on holidays.

Me: See item 32.

ETA another one:

DS: I am really hurt that you didn't celebrate my birthday with me.

XWH: Because you didn't do anything for my birthday the week before.

DS: I am a child how can I go and buy you something for your birthday?

XWH: I don't care you did nothing for my birthday why should I do anything for yours, you would rather spend your birthday with your friends at your party your problem not mine.

[This message edited by Bluebird26 at 12:17 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

honesttoafault posted 6/28/2013 00:43 AM

There's so many, I could write a book.

WH had 3 OC's with OW with his LTA while we were married.

WH: If the 3 OC's and our 2 DS's don't get along and have a good relationship, I'm going to blame you.

Me: Blame me? I never said anything bad about the OC's.

WH: But you are always depressed and sad since I told you about the OW and OC's and that affects the DS's and that's why they don't want to meet them. You don't have to say anything. They see that and it's all your fault.

You can't make this stuff up.

Nature_Girl posted 6/28/2013 01:18 AM

STBX: I'm not going to MC.

Me: If we don't do MC this marriage is over. We need help. We can't even talk to each other. No MC, no marriage.

STBX: Okay, I'll go, but only because you're forcing me.

Later, when we get home from MC...

STBX: I just want you to know I won't be going back to MC.

Me: Why not?

STBX: Because I don't want to talk about what you think is wrong with me.

Me: Do you think there's nothing wrong with you? Do you think we should NOT talk about the love letters & your anger?

STBX: No. There's nothing wrong with me.

Me: We should still go so we can learn to communicate.

STBX: Fine. We'll go. But we can't talk about me.

Me: Can we talk about me?

STBX: There's lots about you to talk about. But if you mention me again in any way, I'm done with MC and done with you. I'm sick of being told what to do.

Me: What if the counselors want both of us to do something?

STBX: Only you. Not me. You can't talk about me, you can't mention me, you can't tell me what to do.

Me: So then, it's MC, but only one of us is going to participate?

STBX: That's right. You said I had to go to MC or the marriage is over. So I'm going. Don't blame me if this isn't what you wanted. You wanted me to go. I'm going.

Me: Okay then.

homewrecked2011 posted 6/28/2013 02:17 AM

You can't talk about me, you can't mention me, you can't tell me what to do.

During marriage counseling, no less!!! lol

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 2:29 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 6/28/2013 02:29 AM

xh: I'm not taking DS to trumpet lessons during my summer visiation.

me: Why not? Aren't you going to be in town and not working?

XH: Yes, but I hate football, so I'm not participating in band. I'll drop him off and you can take him. And I'm not going to any more football games to watch his 1/2 time show bc I hate football.

me: Don't you understand, this is what families do? They support each other's activities?

XH: oh no no no!!! No they do not. That is not what families do. OW and I decide what we will go to and then we tell the kids. Also the kids want to live with me. Have you paid the house payment because if you get behind, I get to move back in and you are out of there.

me: I hope you two get married so she can bring other men into your house while you are at work (what they did to her XH) LOL

I see why we are encouraged to get mental health. These people are nuts and we have to really be strong mentally to help ourselves and our children. Our conversation went from trumpet lessons to house issues.

trebleclef posted 6/28/2013 03:06 AM

Confrontation occurred on holidays. I handed him my "i know you're seeing someone else and we're done"letter at breakfast.

WH: I don't want to read this
TC: read it
WH: crickets
TC: so- how long has this been going on?
WH: I don't want to discuss this. I want you to relax around the pool.

TC: I see from the bank statements that your "1-4 night stand" is actually 15 months and counting.
WH: I can see that you are a hard, unforgiving person.
TC: wha???
WH: when I asked for forgiveness, it was for that entire time period. This is why the marriage is over- you are just like your mother and won't let things go.

Happy to say that as of today, it is now "X"WH

jackie89 posted 6/28/2013 06:23 AM

So funny! Thanks for this!

Me: if you want to continue in this marriage, you need to go NC with OW.

STBX - I'll go contact when I'm ready to go NC

Me: - then you need to leave and move out!

STBX - I'll leaven when I'm ready to leave!

This was our conversation for a few months.

I put by bitch boots on and filed for Divorce - served him at work and I made sure I was not home that night.

STBX came home - left me a note on top of divorce papers

STBX - "Don't ever say you love me, ever again, after what you just did to me"

SBB posted 6/28/2013 06:30 AM

We had this conversation virtually the entire False R - the last time being about 2 mins after giving me what felt like the most heartfelt and honest apology he had ever given me. It was the turn of midnight on our 8th wedding anniversary. I had been a mess all week - I asked for a little space because I was not strong enough to cope with his neediness at this time:

X: Why can't you believe me? [he said there was only 1 OW. I never believed it. Ever].

Me: Because you have lied to me for so long - you've lied to yourself for so long. You are lying now. She was not the only one.

X: I don't expect you to believe me but I expect you to trust me. I can't be in a marriage without trust.

Me: Me either (said to myself: WTF dude, are you serious????).

X: You're not invested in this at all. You're using this as an excuse to punish me.

ETA: this was the night of final S - a few mins into our 8th wedding anniversary. It got heated so I went to leave. As I was at the door he said "If you walk out that door we are done". I said "You promise?" and walked out.

It is the only promise to me he has ever kept. I intend to make him keep it forever.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 9:14 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

AussieMum posted 6/28/2013 07:36 AM

I'd just read the sleazy messages between MOW2 & STBX and I sent her a FB message. She must have panicked and called it off with him that day.

Him (with tears in his eyes): 'congratulations, you got what you wanted'

Me: 'no, you're still here. Did she dump your sorry ass?'

Him:'it's over. It's ruined! You ruin everything!!'

Other rot that came out of his mouth:
'You're not my wife! You're just the mother of my children!'

Said with a smug smile on his face - 'define adultery!'

'If I were you, I'd be asking myself what drove me to have an affair'

'I'm going to tell everyone what you're REALLY like'

Oh you gotta laugh

homewrecked2011 posted 6/28/2013 09:56 AM

This thread is helping me so much!!! I really thought I was the only one hearing this type of cr**.

Take2 posted 6/28/2013 11:28 AM

Not sure if this is P/A, NPD or just plain nuts! One thing seems obvious - the only person on his radar is him!

Background: Dday occurred on the phone while I was visiting my mother - he packed and left within 3 hours.

A week later I got home, DDs' had moved furniture back in the living room (it had been his office) and DD's bf had mowed the lawn (It hadn't been mowed all summer because WH refused. read: PA started.)

WH - I see you put the living room back.
Me - Yeah, well it was empty.
WH - (with tears) It's like you couldn't wait to get rid of all traces of me!
Me -

WH - Who mowed the lawn?
Me - DD's boyfriend.
WH - So what? Why couldn't he do that when I was living there?
Me -

WH - (after I refused to let him move back in.) "I don't think you ever loved me. I think you planned this from the beginning!"
Me: (yep, all part of my evil plan: get M, become a BS, and D 30 yrs later...)

Over time I got really good at NC! Which resulted in:

WH - (18 months after Dday)
"I'm committed. I've changed. I want to be a family again. I don't expect you to say anything, I'm going to prove myself to you."
Me - *crickets*
WH - (2 days later) Thanks for giving me a second chance!

Me: and crickets (it would've been a 32nd chance... and um: no.)

Two weeks ago (4.5 years from Dday) a text:

XWH: "I love you. I'm sorry. I long for what was...I long to be with you. Please forgive me."

Crickets are easiest when the communication leaves you speechless!

[This message edited by Take2 at 11:31 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

Ashland13 posted 6/28/2013 11:32 AM

Well, there's so much material to work with, what to choose?

Happy Pants (f/k/a Perv, for a change) always has been concerned about controlling money. He put every single bill we ever had save the house itself in his own name. He works hard to keep me from knowing even what mail he gets now and got a p.o. box. (I asked why isn't his mail going to Fatty B? already...this got ignored.)

So now that we are moving through the divorce process (snail's pace) and have to account for everything legally beside to creditors and we are in financial crisis, guess what? It's only coming down on the head of HP! Not me!

I am having other struggles, but as one bank man reminded me, I can kind of start out new, like a college kid and not have the added worry of them coming after me!

In the divorce papers they are trying to set me up and ding me for this and that to "share" expenses and I keep reminding the L's -both-that these are empty pockets they are looking in for gold coins. I have been SAHM for almost 10 years! Not gonna happen for quite some time!

There's so much to write on, but I will share a word I have for the concept of this thread: Opposite Land, because things people do to get out of something so often just bite them in the end.

I wish more time could be spent on fixing a problem authentically and having it truly be gone then this way.

Sad in AZ posted 6/28/2013 11:37 AM

My 'best' one:

After catching him and the OW together for god know's how many times, he locked himself in the bedroom. (Background: He is retired NYPD, currently a corrections officer)

X: I'm going to shoot myself!

Me: Do you really want to do this to your son??

X: I'm going to shoot myself!

Me: I have my cell phone; I'm calling the police.

X: Don't do that! I'll lose my guns!


Ashland13 posted 6/28/2013 11:37 AM

P.S. "We" had the lawn problem here and a magnitude of unfinished projects just abandoned as we were.

There's also the plowing in winter and Happy Pants would make deals with the neighbors and one would not follow through, so it's biting him now, you know when people try to barter a service for a service? The other people didn't want the trade we could offer so now "we" are stuck with a bill.

Well, it's another one he only put his name on and he made the deal with the other guy, so L says, "Nope, not your responsibility."

He left our lawn equipment broken when he took off, too, so it made it extra hard to find someone to do it. For a while some teenagers did it, but they wrecked it and he got mad at that, too.

Life just isn't always going toot-sweet, is it?

loveisareddress posted 6/28/2013 11:48 AM

I don't expect you to believe me but I expect you to trust me. I can't be in a marriage without trust.

This one has always made me furious.

Reading it now makes me want to

Maybe I'm not ready for this yet.

I'll just wander on back to general now.

Housefulloflove posted 6/28/2013 11:49 AM

Somehow I had ended up in yet another conversation about his affair. As usual he is minimizing, blameshifting, gaslighting...using the standard narc responses.

Him: Were you trying to reconcile when you called me an 'evil monster'?

Me: I said that the week you were spending your mornings sleeping with OW before coming home from work while our kids and I were at home waiting for you.

Him: We're talking about what is going on NOW stop bringing up the past (insert my name)!

Me: Ummm..we are both talking about something that happened at the same point in time.

Him: Look, this is why we can't get past this (insert my name). You can't let anything go.

Me: crickets.

What an idiot. And yet another opportunity to see that trying to talk rationally with a crazy person is an exercise in futility.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 11:50 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

NaiveAgain posted 6/28/2013 12:12 PM

Oooh, I'll play! My psychoX gives me so much material!

I get P.O.'s renewed every two years, and he fights them every time.

1st wasn't going the way he wanted so he argued with the judge and got hostile...I got my P.O.

2nd P.O. He apologized for behaving badly (to the judge, not me) and said he was over it and was moving on. I showed proof he was having a friend of his stalk me. Judge said she would renew it one more time and he got hostile again.

3rd P.O. He said I didn't need a P.O. anymore and it was ruining his life and his dd thinks he is a criminal (how would she even know about it unless he told her...I don't bring this stuff up). When it wasn't going his way, he brought in proof that "I" was the one harassing him. His proof? A police document that showed he was reported for threatening to go to the court house and shoot everyone. DD overheard him talking on phone to his friend about it and taped him, she was scared. She had him on her tape recorder threatening to get a gun and shoot up the court house.... I took it to the police. Judge just looked at him and gave me my P.O. again.

Last court session when I went for my 4rd P.O.

He brought a lawyer with him (yes, to a P.O. hearing) to PROVE that he did not need to have a P.O. against him and it was ruining his life.....

Him: I really, really want to be able to communicate with NA for the sake of our daughter.

Me: We have been sending written letters back and forth when we need to discuss something important or communicate about visitation. (Our P.O. states he cannot contact or harass me in any way, but it is not to interfere with our child custody arrangement which is shared custody which means we can communicate non-directly about visitation and dd emergencies).

So for the past 4 years, we both have sent written communication only about our dd....

Him: Look, she has been contacting me in violation of the P.O.....she sent me a letter about summer visitation....I'm afraid I could go to jail over this!

Me: We have been doing this for 4 years, and we are supposed to be able to communicate about dd as long as it is not threatening.

Him: (Lying thru his teeth) I just ignore them and I don't send them to her...because I don't want to be in violation and I don't want to go to jail (I have many written letters from him about dd).

The judge: It looks like NA is not causing you any problems with the written communication and has not reported you about communication with your dd... I am going to renew the P.O. but write specifically in the order that you are allowed written communication about your dd.

Him: I don't want no letters or written communication from NA......(Then, he slammed his fist down and looked up at the ceiling and said "I'm just going to have to tell DD about this" (His lawyer kept trying to shush him LOL!)

The judge just stared at him and gave me another P.O. for 2 years.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 12:14 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

Markone posted 6/28/2013 12:16 PM

Love it. Funny but so sad.

Me: What did you get out of it (the A)?

STBXW: A connection! We were in love and you should be grateful it wasn't just about the sex

Me (at time of her establishing NC with OM -- "so did you tell him NC?"

STBXW: (storming off) yes, and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to in my life. It really crushed him and (shouting) I don't want to discuss it with you - it's none of your fucking business"

During weak attempt at "R"

STBXW: It's not fair that you get to question me on where I've been, but I can't do the same to you"

Me: Sure you can, I've nothing to hide

STBXW: Well that's not the point, it's having privacy to do things I don't want to have to share with you.

Me: Like an A?

STBXW: There you go again casting me as one of those people that run around sleeping with strangers"

Me. But that's what you did, no?

STBXW: It was different and I resent you making the A out to be this dirty little thing. It's unfair to me.

and on and on and on. Wash, rinse, repeat.

As I recant these gems, so grateful I'm now on the path to freedom.

[This message edited by Markone at 12:18 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

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