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boxofchocolate posted 6/28/2013 01:37 AM

[This message edited by boxofchocolate at 10:58 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

Pudding posted 6/28/2013 02:32 AM

As a BS, I would say that this is a very good letter. You are coming across a truly open and transparent. It is so much better to her it from the WS than by some other means. You have explained what you did and the nature of it and some of the why. That is a really good start. It is clear that this as an ONS and not an LTA and that is easier to handle for a BS (I think).

I am very much a reading writing person rather than a talking person, so this approach would have worked for me. Not everyone is the same. You will need to think whether your BS is a reading writing person too.

One thing I would say is don't read it out to him. Let him read it himself. It will give him time to react and process. Also don't send it out of the blue. Ideally, I think you need to do this face to face. Tell him that you have something difficult to tell him, you are very very sorry. It will be very difficult for him, but it is the right thing to do to tell him. Then give him the letter. Tell him that you will let him read it and then you will answer any questions he might have. Let him read it on his own - leave the room, make a coffee etc.

Then come back an be prepared for the reaction. Be prepared to anger any questions he has. He might rage and storm, try to keep as calm as possible. Tell him you love him, you regret what you did. Say sorry lots of times, tell him you love him lots of times. Hug him if he wants, back off if he wants. You will need to be led by him.

Read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. It will help you.

Thank you for doing this. I so wish my FWH had done the same. The truth has trickled out over years. It turns out that My FWH was and ONS in a car, but he didn't tell me that for 2 years after the first confession. I thought it was much more. For me an ONS is easier to handle than an emotional attachment.

I think your BS will want to know who the AP was. If it was someone he knew or who you still see, that will make it more difficult for him. If it was a genuine one--off that will be easier. If it was someone you both know, you must go into NC and you must commit to that completely.

Delicate question, but have you checked for STDs? If yes, and you are clear, that is another reassurance you could give your BS.

Well done and good luck. It is the beginning of a tough time for you, but you are following the right path and doing the right thing.

boxofchocolate posted 6/28/2013 03:26 AM

[This message edited by boxofchocolate at 10:58 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

SandAway posted 6/28/2013 07:39 AM

My SO however had beginnings of genital warts like 3 months before my ONS and he's in active treatment.

Genital warts is an STD. How did he contact this?

mike7 posted 6/28/2013 07:44 AM

didn't you mention before there were two incidents?

make sure you tell everything all at once. the trickle truth will kill him.

i agree with telling him face to face. if it were me, I wouldn't want to receive a letter out of the blue. and given the fact that he didn't like AP and warned you about him, you should definitely tell him who. But I have to be honest, if it were me, the fact that he warned you would make it worse. I would also tell the AP's BW if I were him. And there would be nothing you could do to stop me. It would be pillage and burn time.

good luck. i'm sorry you have put yourself in this position.

Emptyshelldad posted 6/28/2013 08:05 AM

I agree with above that he will likely tell the other man's wife. be prepared to offer any proof that you have to help him with this because as a bh myself, you want justice, and the other man getting to screw your wife, and get away scott free is a big part of the torment. and whatever you do DON'T try to tell, alert, warn or contact the other man in any way. this will show that you are more loyal to, and more concerned with his well being, then your own now destroyed husband.
also be prepared for the extra hurt he will feel knowing he was your only before and now he's lost that truly great privilege. it will make him think that it was something about him.
I would also avoid or be very very careful with saying it was because he had been with other women, and you were jealous. this sounds to me like blameshifting. the theme here is usually that the choice to cheat lies purely with the wayward spouse and their issues and shortcomings, not with what the betrayed spouse did or didn't do.
also think about the fact that you chose this guy.....and your husband said you like him a bit too much meaning your theory that you just wanted to try someone else may not sound good to hubby cause you didn't just choose someone else, you chose someone you apparently liked a lot. and if his comment is meant to refer to after the encounter you talked and liked the other man too much then, it casts doubt on your story that it was horrible and you felt ill and regret right afterwards. cause if that was the case you wouldn't have continued talking about the other man in such a way that made your husband suspicious.
I am very happy though that you are the one to tell him. it shows that you are laying a foundation of trust. when you tell him, at least he will know, if it happens again, you'd be honest with him above all else, so that's something he can count in the positive column. and the statistics for reconciling are a lot higher when the wayward spouse confesses without being forced to.
good luck, and let us know how it's going, and I'd we can help in any way. also encourage him to sign up, though he may likely be reluctant as there seems to be a lack of guys willing to come in and talk about this type of stuff...

Pudding posted 6/28/2013 08:31 AM

In answer to your questions.

Yes definitely tell your SO the name of your AP. Also tell him that you are in NC and intend to stick to that.

One of my major issues is that OWH knew 3 years before I did and never told me. He is now 6 years on and has come to terms with it and even encourages them to continue their friendship I feel he is just as much an enemy of my marriage as OW is. Be prepared for your SO to tell the BS.

As far as my story goes. It is not good. It's three years now since he first told me and I still feel I don't have the full truth. It is still up and down every day for me and at the moment very down. This is partly because he has all along withheld things from me that he thought would upset me. The result is that I have been left wondering and my imaginings have been far worse than what gradually turns out to be reality. Because he didn't tell me very much at the beginning, I have in my head what I have imagined and that is upsetting me just as much as what really happened.

He had ONS in April 2007 with a coworker in her car. OC was born January 2008 and is raised by OW and OWH who has been in the know all along. They both want FWH to maintain contact with OC so that when they tell OC, FWH is not a stranger. We got together in August 2005. My first xH died in May 2007 an alcoholic, just a the time of the ONS. We were divorced. I thought FWH was being my rock and support at the time and to m sons.

He didn't tell me until January 2010 when we had just signed mortgage papers to buy a house together with my sons and his mother. It was too late for me to back out. I was shocked etc but did not ask the right questions. He didn't want to tell me much and I didn't probe. He told me it was all over and he never wanted the OC and had only seen the OC a few times. I should have asked more questions then. I accepted what he said and buried it all in the back of m mind.

We got married June 2012. One month later, I agree to pick him up from a works night out. Finally he calls at 2-am and I go t get him and he asks me if I will take OW home as well. It turns out that they have been on nights out roughly every 6 weeks even though he said it was over and that he had continued to see OC without telling me.

Life has been hell since then. I don't believe anything he says. I mistrust any female colleague. He has agreed to NC with OW apart from essential work matters, but won't talk about OC. I don't want him to see him, but he won't let go. I don't know what he feels for him and he reuses to talk to me about it.

Sorry for the long story, but message to you is that you will save your SO a lot of pain if you tell him everything and are completely open and transparent. Maybe not all in day one, but certainly over the first few days. Answer all his questions. Talk about your feelings for him and to the xAP. Be prepared for him to keep asking questions all the time. I do not have the full story and can't Get it out of him and its three years now or nearly a year from the second DDay. That causes me enormous pain.. I don't feel it is in the past and I can't move on. I would say that we have discussed this 2 or 3 times a week in the past year. It will take along time to heal but the best way is honesty.

Sleep well

CrappyLife posted 6/28/2013 08:54 AM

didn't you mention before there were two incidents?

^^this.. If I remember correctly, you mentioned earlier that there were 2 incidents and nobody was fully naked. Now, in this letter you say that you had sex only once in a car. How do you have sex without being naked? And then you mention ONS. Was it in a car or a hotel or his place or your place? You need to be honest to yourself.

You have decided to confess which is good. But, do it right. Believe me, once is as bad as twice or a few times in a short period. LTAs are a different beast altogether. Please please do not lie to your BS.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 8:57 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

Skan posted 6/28/2013 16:17 PM

Do not lay this on him while he is on training. Wait until he is back, then, as has been suggested before, tell him that you have to have a very serious conversation with him and then give him your letter. Make sure that EVERYTHING is in the letter leave nothing out that will cause TT later down the line. You have one chance, and only one chance, to be utterly truthful. Don't blow it. You're going to grievously wound your BBF don't do it a second time.

I wish you loads of luck. I would far, far have rather my FWH sat me down and told me the complete truth instead of leaving me to find it all by myself.

cliffside posted 6/28/2013 20:26 PM

BS here. I totally commend you for telling him rather than him finding out on his own. However, I would not appreciate this in the form of a letter. I would rather be told face to face. I would however, appreciate a written timeline with the conversation. And I would tell him, regardless of the method you choose, "I will answer any questions you have honestly, no matter how hard it is for me to say." I knew my H was definitely telling me the truth when what he was telling me became humiliating for him. He answered every question I had honestly. I knew it was honest because it was ugly. But heed the advice of everyone here. Be 100% honest and 100% remorseful. Tell him he can have access to your email, your computer and even put a GPS on your cell phone. It's the only way you'll earn back his trust and offering this to him will also take that off his shoulders - demanding it from you. Good Luck and thank you for telling him on your own. We all wish that is what happened to us!

grapefruit posted 6/28/2013 22:13 PM

Hi Box,

MH (madhatter - both a WS and a BS) here.

I agree with cliffside - you should tell him in person. You could read your letter out if you want, but do it in person. Don't try to minimise anything when you tell him: was it a ONS or two separate incidents? What led up to them? Was there an EA as well? These are things I would want to know as a BS. Discovering the truth bit by bit (known as trickle truth or TT on this site) just about killed me.

Your H may go into detective mode and try to uncover everything he possibly can. He will eventually discover if there are more details that you have left out, so please don't do this. Write everything down that you can think of, so that you're not tempted to change the story or minimise. Hopefully you've read enough on this site to know that a lot of BSs feel that lies killed their M rather than the actual betrayals.

The other thing is that you're going to have to do some real soul-searching to find out why you've done this. I guarantee you that it's more than the reason you gave of wanting to experience different sexual partners. Have you been to an IC (individual counsellor) at all? An IC will hopefully help you to discover why you made these poor decisions (and I use the plural, but I'm sure it was more than one bad decision). It might be a good idea to tell your H that you are committed to discovering why you did this and to healing yourself. There are lots of good books and readings you can do for a start - check the healing library on this site.

You mentioned that you suffer from anxiety and depression, too - what are you doing to take care of yourself in that respect?

You're doing the right thing. Good luck.