My fiancé is an optimist. Which is wonderful, and I admire that he can always see the silver lining in everything.
However, there times (tonight) that it is a disaster and I end up very very frustrated. He has his head so far up in the clouds, and just sweeps an entire situation with "it will be fine." He refuses to listen to my (in my opinion legitimate) concerns, and fights end with me getting angry and throwing my hands in the air and him storming off drunk and making no sense.
And before anyone says anything- I have a very good reason why I am a pessimist. I used to skate through my life too, assuming everything would just work out. Until my son died. I had all these hopes and dreams completely ripped away that day, and I made myself a promise that I would expect the worst from that day forward and that way I would never be disappointed again. For seven years, it has worked out. Have I worried needlessly? At times. But have I become a better advocate for myself? Yes. And have I been expecting something I never got delivered? Nope.
How does a pessimist live with an optimist?
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
It makes your world much more peaceful.
How does a pessimist live with an optimist?
It is HARD! I'm an optimist, H is a pessimist. I call him Eeyore. It could be bright and sunny out and his attitude is "it looks like rain." Things go from 0 to worst case scenario is the blink of an eye.
Better a pessimist live with an optimist than another pessimist. Think how pessimistic your life would be You would both bring each other down constantly. That is a sad way to live.
I never really thought of how it might be difficult for H to live with M being optimistic. But it is hell for an optimist to live with a pessimist.
I understand the loss of a child changes a person. My mom lost 2 sons - one as an infant and one @ 34 in a car accident. Neither one expected and it nearly killed them. But do you feel like you are really getting everything out of life that you could by living to never be taken off guard again? That doesn't seem like a healthy way to live. You are missing out on life.
The thing is, I worry about everything. I could have written your sentence about my WS refusing to listen to my concerns.
Over the years we have learned to deal with the different ways we handle the world. I know that how much I worry bothers him sometimes; he feels like it means I don't trust him to handle situations, or that I am unhappy with our life. I wish he would worry more, or at least pay attention to my worrying.
So we compromise! I worry about the small stuff to myself, and bring the bigger worries to him. He understands that sometimes I need to express my worrying, and it isn't a reflection on him. He knows that I am asking for support, troubleshooting, or problem solving. We have worked it out, and brings more balance to both of us.
I can't imagine losing my child, and I can understand how it would change you perspective forever.
I worry, naturally, so try not to worry about how much I worry. But I also know that worrying can pull me away from the moment and into a version if the future that doesn't exist yet. I do try to moderate my worrying, with meditation (hard!) and by repeating time myself that worrying is a misuse of my imagination - a quote sometimes attributed to Mark Twain.
The argument we had last night started because his grandpa (his loaded grandpa) said he has a big surprise that he wants to talk to us about this weekend. Fiancé immediately jumps to, "grandpa is probably helping us with a down payment on a house!" Which would be really cool... But why plan for that? We have no freaking idea what the surprise is- for all we know, we might get up there and have him say, "surprise, I made jello!" And I guess it doesn't really matter, except he gets this whole "what if" best case scenario stuck in his head so bad that he REALLY thinks we're getting a house from grandpa- and if we don't, he will be very disappointed, and I will be stuck dealing with piss poor mood fiancé for the rest of the weekend.
What's more- he has started telling people he thinks we're getting a house down payment... Which to be honest, I have serious concerns about buying a house right now anyway. I make $2400 per month, and right now am paying $400 for rent and $1000 for my daughter's daycare. And then there are student loans, groceries, etc... My ex isn't working, and is supposed to be paying for half of DD's daycare, but he hasn't been, so that isn't money I can count on coming in, and he hasn't paid child support for the second month now. Fiancé makes a little more, but also has debt. Right now, we rent a condo from his parents who live out of state. The basic idea is that they don't want strangers renting from them that they would need to get a landlord for, etc... They plan on moving back to our state but not yet, and want the condo ultimately for them. Anyway, we only pay $800/mo for rent, and don't pay anything n utilities. Living in a house, obviously the budget wouldn't look like that. If fiancé paid off his debt first, we could use that money towards a mortgage,but I am just afraid of getting stuck spending all of our money on a mortgage and not being able to go out and do anything. I brought up these concerns and instead of addressing them, he has said everything will be fine. Which is great...but I want more. I asked I'm to come up with a budget plan since he really thinks this is happening right now- but also for whenever. Sit down, come up with a budget and see what we can be comfortable with, and go from there. Nope, he can't do that, and just calls me a Debbie downer.
It is very frustrating, and I am not looking forward to this weekend. Maybe it is because it is so close to the wedding and I am getting nervous...but I am starting to really pick up on all of his irritating flaws. I'm just tired of his optimism. I'm tired of him not looking at a situation, realizing that things cold go wrong, and coming up with a plan for just in case. I have to do that completely alone with everything.
As far as your joint finances, obviously it's not his forte, so you are going to have to be the one to manage them if you want to continue this relationship. This happens to many couples; it's not unique to the two of you.
"surprise, I made jello!"
OMG! This literally made me laugh out loud!
and if we don't, he will be very disappointed, and I will be stuck dealing with piss poor mood fiancé for the rest of the weekend.
Sounds like he can't take disappointment. Nothing wrong with dreaming - and dreaming big. But at some point reality comes crashing in and he needs to be able to deal with the fact that it was a dream and he needs to be satisfied with gpa's jello
I think this only becomes a real problem - in the situation you describe - if he starts to make concrete plans to buy a house without the gift from his grandfather in hand, and without listening to and addressing your concerns.
Right now, there is a possibility we may be able to move to Australia for a year. It depends on some things happening at my WS's work, as well as some details working out down there. There are a lot of mabyes involved, but we are still having fun talking about the possibility and taking all the pros and cons into account. I think you can look forward to possibilities, while still being realistic about them!
I'm sorry, but the scenario you just described, your fiance doesn't sound like an optimist. He sounds like an idiot.
His pissiness would be a huge red flag for me and it smacks of passive aggression.
I was married to a guy who REFUSED to dream at all. Period. He never would plan beyond dinner on any given day.
If I said something like "what if we could go and do this or that in the future", he would just walk away, saying it's no use dreaming because it'll never happen anyway.
Had massive FOO issues, grew up in a horribly abusive family, had the dream gene smacked right out of him from an early age.
Stupid me handled all the finances and anything icky like legal details when buying houses and stuff (he would actually pout, roll his eyes and fold his arms when we had to go to the bank to sign documents), and I put up with a lot of passive aggressive behaviour when I should have called him on it from day one.
In hindsight I realize of course I never should have married him, it wasn't a good match.
I would think long and hard about this because it's only going to get worse when kids come along...
[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:27 AM, June 28th (Friday)]
A pessimist thinks things are going to go bad. An Optimist knows they are going to go bad.
Like the horse thing right now.
I want to touch on this a little though.
Until my son died. I had all these hopes and dreams completely ripped away that day, and I made myself a promise that I would expect the worst from that day forward and that way I would never be disappointed again. For seven years, it has worked out. Have I worried needlessly? At times. But have I become a better advocate for myself? Yes. And have I been expecting something I never got delivered? Nope.
I am sure that you got all the needed IC and support to help you through this. As a mom, I couldn't even imagine and it breaks my heart to even read it.
But honey - Living life expecting the other shoe to drop is a very stressful way to live. You keep yourself tensed up 'just in case'...that's got to be exhausting!
So your Fiance likes to think big, dream big, be big....and you not so much. It's ok.
In DH's and I's relationship, i am that cute decorated heave object that keeps the balloons on the table. He has always thanked me for giving him the grounding that he needs, and I am always thankful for him for making me look up all the time. Its not always harmonious, but it works.
Try not to live like the other shoe will drop.
However, I have lost some very close and dear family members under some tragic circumstances, and I could easily justify being a pessimist if I chose. I chose to look at those events as being such that if I can get through those I can get thru anything life throws my way, so I don't want to constantly look for the worst in everything. If it happens it happens, and I know I can get thru it, but I still choose to look for the positives in life (not pie in the sky, but based on reality). I have not set myself up for emotional failure yet, and it has been some 25+ years since my first tragic loss!
[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 1:04 AM, July 13th (Saturday)]
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön