Sorry if this is long but I really need advice.
WH started talking to a coworker sometime last August/ September (this woman was married but has since divorced, it became final in feb.) He told me in Oct. while I was pregnant w/ our 8th child. He promised he wouldn't see her while I was pregnant, but that I needed to give him time to think right, (yeah right, he was seeing her the whole time).
Baby was born 11/27 by csection (my first surgery) after he was born WH started acting very different, mean and even more distant. I should add that since 6/12 we had not had sex because I was put on pelvic rest.
New years eve we were in the er w/ our newborn who was dx with rsv, on the way home WH started a fight saying you know I am going to live w/ her.(He told me all along that is what he wanted and he would leave 2/5 so he would be there for our childrens bdays).
His behavior got meaner towards me the following week.I was a basket case. I honestly felt like I was going insane constantly wondering if it was o/t h was working or if he was w/ her (he never saw her outside of work time. After work he would go w/ her or talk to her but never on the weekends or before work. I know this for sure because he really never leaves the house without me or the kids and they would have said something)
Jan 5 I wake up around 2 and he's not home. Fridays he hardly ever works o/t. So I decide to go up there. They pull in a few minutes later and we have a HUGE fight. Even after our fight he still tries to get in the van and come home with me. I told him I was done with this and kicked him out.
After a couple weeks he started hinting around that he missed us. He wanted to see the kids a lot and he wanted me there. The schedule he came up with was several(2-4 we live 5 minutes from his work)times a week he wanted to come on his lunch break, it's at 8 our 4 youngest's bedtime is 7:30. Every weekend from 11 or 1 until 8-9, saturday and sunday, and once we got another van (i took the one we had it was actually his, but I needed it for the kids) he wanted to come over some days at 11 and hang out until it was time to go to work. I asked him how I was supposed to move on if he was here all the time, but he didn't get it. He also caled every afternoon to "talk to the kids" but it was usually be he talked to as our oldest were at school and at the time our 2 & 4 year old have limited phone skills.
I honestly saw how it killed him to be away from the kids, I saw him cry because our dd wouldn't speak t him for a long time. I never dated or talked to other men, but I was going to go out with an old friend from high school (a woman & 2 of her friends also woman) and he was convinced I was going on a date his voice choked up and he said please don't let him touch you. I know he cares or did.
So on March 12 he came back home, I wasn't sure if it was a good idea because he was supposed to come home 2/2 but said he needed more time. It was rough at first, then things seemed to be getting better. He doesn't use email or anything just a prepaid phone which I checked and it was always good. He didn't switch jobs, I wanted him to but we do have 8 kids to think about, he was supposed to go on another shift but didn't. She ended up going to 3rd, he works 2cnd so they do overlap.
Several weeks back he started leaving his phone at work, I asked him why and he said it was out of minutes and dead. I called it and it rang, I was under the impression that it would go to vm if was dead or out of minutes.
He also started blaming me for mor A related stuff which he wasn't doing previos, and saying I would never get over this. 2 nights ago we have a huge storm and a tree falls into a house on her street. Of course it is her neighbore house and of course she is the one the news interviews. I was in complete shock, it's really the first time I see her that's not in the dark and is a complete face shot, I taped it and rewinded her segment for 3 hours I watched it over and over trying to figure what she has that I don't. When he came home I was still watching it. We had an argument, I asked him why he wouldn't just put his arm around me and hold when I'm upset, why he's hiding his phone and being defensive. He says his phone is in his workbag go ahead and charge it and look.
So I get it and charge it in the morning. The 1st number is hers they talked for 16 minutes. First he said that it wasn't on the phone, and I was like it's right here, then he said he didn't know how that got there. I made him look me in the eyes (he avoided looking at me before he left and again a few weeks before this happened) and I told him that if he ever cared about he needs to tell me the truth and I will go to his work and question everyone. He finally admitts that they talked at first it was just then, but when I asked how he could give me the phone and let me find out that way he slips that he thought he deleted them all.
So now I find out that since his phone is dead they also are talking at work again. She wants him to move back in and I believe he told her he would, he says that now he can see I won't be able to get over this. I don't honestly feel like he tried at all, and I could have gotten over the affair, honestly it was all the crap that was said and done after that I was having a hard time dealing with. If I thought I couldn't get over it I never would have let him back and put my kids through this again. They were all heartbroken. He knew that to and I don't know how he could put them through this again.
He says he doesn't know if he wants a divorce, is that what I want. I asked him if he still loved me first it was yes, then he didn't know what he felt about anything, then it was anything he says I will use against him (when I kicked him out I told her that just 3 nights ago I asked him if he still loved me and he looked me right in the eye and said yes i still love you) I asked if he tells her he loves her and he looked away so I think he does. I ask him what it is he wants and he doesn't know. How could he really not know??
I spoke to one of OW exh and he told me this is what she does she met him at work while he was married and broke up their marriage and her next Hwas met at work and he was in a relationship to. Why would someone do that, over and over? She knows we have kids WH never wanted them introduced to her, but she knows there are 8 of them whose worlds are being ripped apart because of the 2 of them.
WH and I had a few what I thought were honest talks before he came back and he had critical things to say about OW, I asked if he could see himself w/ her on holidays and he said no it was me he cod see himself with. When he was gone I saw a divorce laywer and even though he was already hinting about coming home, that really made him think more about it.
He always said how uncomfortable he felt over there, and there was never any food, he only had $100 per week and she wanted 50 for bills and rent he left the rest of the money for us.
I know that he will regret it if he does leave, and I know 100% that I want my marriage to recover from this. But how do I get through to him? He is reluctant to change jobs, even before this he was offered the job he has now, making a good deal more than his previous job and he almost didn't take it just so he didn't have to start over.
Do I kick him out? I don't think I could do that to my kids again. I can't live here like this again it is only a matter of time before it starts eating away at me again, but right now he is sure that we aren't going to be able to work past this and that she is the best option.
He's on vacation next week and we are supposed to go camping next week. I told him I don't know if I should go but he should go and take all the kids, he says he'll need my help and I should go to. He needs time to think. The problem with that is his idea of thinking time is still seeing her and me not mentioning any of it.