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He's talking to her again, what do I do??

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jct94 posted 6/28/2013 06:01 AM

Sorry if this is long but I really need advice.

WH started talking to a coworker sometime last August/ September (this woman was married but has since divorced, it became final in feb.) He told me in Oct. while I was pregnant w/ our 8th child. He promised he wouldn't see her while I was pregnant, but that I needed to give him time to think right, (yeah right, he was seeing her the whole time).

Baby was born 11/27 by csection (my first surgery) after he was born WH started acting very different, mean and even more distant. I should add that since 6/12 we had not had sex because I was put on pelvic rest.

New years eve we were in the er w/ our newborn who was dx with rsv, on the way home WH started a fight saying you know I am going to live w/ her.(He told me all along that is what he wanted and he would leave 2/5 so he would be there for our childrens bdays).

His behavior got meaner towards me the following week.I was a basket case. I honestly felt like I was going insane constantly wondering if it was o/t h was working or if he was w/ her (he never saw her outside of work time. After work he would go w/ her or talk to her but never on the weekends or before work. I know this for sure because he really never leaves the house without me or the kids and they would have said something)

Jan 5 I wake up around 2 and he's not home. Fridays he hardly ever works o/t. So I decide to go up there. They pull in a few minutes later and we have a HUGE fight. Even after our fight he still tries to get in the van and come home with me. I told him I was done with this and kicked him out.

After a couple weeks he started hinting around that he missed us. He wanted to see the kids a lot and he wanted me there. The schedule he came up with was several(2-4 we live 5 minutes from his work)times a week he wanted to come on his lunch break, it's at 8 our 4 youngest's bedtime is 7:30. Every weekend from 11 or 1 until 8-9, saturday and sunday, and once we got another van (i took the one we had it was actually his, but I needed it for the kids) he wanted to come over some days at 11 and hang out until it was time to go to work. I asked him how I was supposed to move on if he was here all the time, but he didn't get it. He also caled every afternoon to "talk to the kids" but it was usually be he talked to as our oldest were at school and at the time our 2 & 4 year old have limited phone skills.

I honestly saw how it killed him to be away from the kids, I saw him cry because our dd wouldn't speak t him for a long time. I never dated or talked to other men, but I was going to go out with an old friend from high school (a woman & 2 of her friends also woman) and he was convinced I was going on a date his voice choked up and he said please don't let him touch you. I know he cares or did.

So on March 12 he came back home, I wasn't sure if it was a good idea because he was supposed to come home 2/2 but said he needed more time. It was rough at first, then things seemed to be getting better. He doesn't use email or anything just a prepaid phone which I checked and it was always good. He didn't switch jobs, I wanted him to but we do have 8 kids to think about, he was supposed to go on another shift but didn't. She ended up going to 3rd, he works 2cnd so they do overlap.

Several weeks back he started leaving his phone at work, I asked him why and he said it was out of minutes and dead. I called it and it rang, I was under the impression that it would go to vm if was dead or out of minutes.

He also started blaming me for mor A related stuff which he wasn't doing previos, and saying I would never get over this. 2 nights ago we have a huge storm and a tree falls into a house on her street. Of course it is her neighbore house and of course she is the one the news interviews. I was in complete shock, it's really the first time I see her that's not in the dark and is a complete face shot, I taped it and rewinded her segment for 3 hours I watched it over and over trying to figure what she has that I don't. When he came home I was still watching it. We had an argument, I asked him why he wouldn't just put his arm around me and hold when I'm upset, why he's hiding his phone and being defensive. He says his phone is in his workbag go ahead and charge it and look.

So I get it and charge it in the morning. The 1st number is hers they talked for 16 minutes. First he said that it wasn't on the phone, and I was like it's right here, then he said he didn't know how that got there. I made him look me in the eyes (he avoided looking at me before he left and again a few weeks before this happened) and I told him that if he ever cared about he needs to tell me the truth and I will go to his work and question everyone. He finally admitts that they talked at first it was just then, but when I asked how he could give me the phone and let me find out that way he slips that he thought he deleted them all.

So now I find out that since his phone is dead they also are talking at work again. She wants him to move back in and I believe he told her he would, he says that now he can see I won't be able to get over this. I don't honestly feel like he tried at all, and I could have gotten over the affair, honestly it was all the crap that was said and done after that I was having a hard time dealing with. If I thought I couldn't get over it I never would have let him back and put my kids through this again. They were all heartbroken. He knew that to and I don't know how he could put them through this again.

He says he doesn't know if he wants a divorce, is that what I want. I asked him if he still loved me first it was yes, then he didn't know what he felt about anything, then it was anything he says I will use against him (when I kicked him out I told her that just 3 nights ago I asked him if he still loved me and he looked me right in the eye and said yes i still love you) I asked if he tells her he loves her and he looked away so I think he does. I ask him what it is he wants and he doesn't know. How could he really not know??

I spoke to one of OW exh and he told me this is what she does she met him at work while he was married and broke up their marriage and her next Hwas met at work and he was in a relationship to. Why would someone do that, over and over? She knows we have kids WH never wanted them introduced to her, but she knows there are 8 of them whose worlds are being ripped apart because of the 2 of them.

WH and I had a few what I thought were honest talks before he came back and he had critical things to say about OW, I asked if he could see himself w/ her on holidays and he said no it was me he cod see himself with. When he was gone I saw a divorce laywer and even though he was already hinting about coming home, that really made him think more about it.

He always said how uncomfortable he felt over there, and there was never any food, he only had $100 per week and she wanted 50 for bills and rent he left the rest of the money for us.

I know that he will regret it if he does leave, and I know 100% that I want my marriage to recover from this. But how do I get through to him? He is reluctant to change jobs, even before this he was offered the job he has now, making a good deal more than his previous job and he almost didn't take it just so he didn't have to start over.
Do I kick him out? I don't think I could do that to my kids again. I can't live here like this again it is only a matter of time before it starts eating away at me again, but right now he is sure that we aren't going to be able to work past this and that she is the best option.

He's on vacation next week and we are supposed to go camping next week. I told him I don't know if I should go but he should go and take all the kids, he says he'll need my help and I should go to. He needs time to think. The problem with that is his idea of thinking time is still seeing her and me not mentioning any of it.

Bluebird26 posted 6/28/2013 06:22 AM

I am sorry you are here.

Only you can decide what you need to do. Only you can decide what you are going to put up with, what is acceptable or not and draw a line.

Actions speak louder then words. If you both want to reconcile he needs to get with it and go NC with her. You can't reconcile on your own. He needs to do whatever you need him to do to help you heal from this. You don't get to feel guilty for his choices though. This is not your fault and it appears as though he just wants you to be his babysitter.

I would definitely not be going camping, he can go alone with the kids and that time you can use to get your life sorted out make some decisions, go see a lawyer gets some legal advice, get all your finances in order etc. Work out what you want to do.

Please make the right decision for you, your children will adjust to whatever you decide, don't stay with him just for the kids sake though. They need to see their father treat their mother with respect.

I bet once you stop being his babysitter and he realises the hard work it takes to look after his children alone he might wake up to himself and I bet the OW doesn't stick around to long to look after his 8 kids.

Goodluck with whatever you decide.

karmahappens posted 6/28/2013 06:28 AM


This is one heck of a situation your husband is putting you in.

First…I would send him off camping next week, alone, with HIS children. Too bad he needs your help. Tell him YOU need time to think.

This is all about him and you are letting him control your life and the direction it takes.

Only you can stop it.

Married men (or women) do not have the option to decide between the girlfriend or wife while making both parties crazy.

He is having an affair, under your nose and eating cake the whole time. You know this…..MAKE IT STOP.

I would be putting my ducks in a row and finding out what rights I have. I know you want your marriage to work, but being a doormat is not a way to make it happen. You need to 180 him and take care of you and your children. This is no way for them to grow up, watching their daddy go back and forth between two women as their mom sits by and lets him do it. Teach them to live with self respect and strength. If you don't have any right now, fake it. Put on a pair of bitch boots and start demanding you be treated better. Demand he cut off contact completely, get into IC and start therapy. Total transparency. You get to see everything. For Pete's sake, with 8 kids he should be at home or work …period.

I would let him know if this is what he wants it's your way, he will not set the rules on how he deceives you. No way.

I am sorry for your hurt, I am. But you cannot will, beg or love him back to you. If he doesn't want to do all that's needed to start to fix this mess he has created…let him go.

I would start with the camping trip.


Ostrich80 posted 6/28/2013 13:28 PM

This^^^^^^^^^^^ exactly what Karma posted. Don't go on that camping trip, let him see what its like. Besides he didn't say jct, go camping with me, I want you with me....he said come camping because "I need your help with the kids". That would be perfect timing for you to do some real soul searching with all the kids gone with daddy. Good luck. Jct

Skan posted 6/28/2013 13:43 PM

Sweetheart, in all honesty, you've already lost him. The minute that he did not throw the OW under the bus, commit himself fully to you and your family, and do everything in his power to get to the bottom of his need to be a liar and a cheater, he turned away from you. He walked away from you and his family.

I get not wanting this to happen. I truly do. With all my heart, I do. But he has made his choice, which is to torment you and your children with his flip-flopping, cake-eating, and gaslighting. YOU are the stable parent right now. You need to do what is best for the family.

And IMO at this point, that means that you need to send him off with HIS children to camp, see a lawyer, serve him with separation papers when he comes back, and change the locks on your house. He leaves, you and your children continue on with your lives, you communicate only with him about finances and arrangements for visitation OUT of your house with the children, on a RIDGID schedule, and you make plans for a divorce.

Here's the thing. You can stop this process at any time if, and ONLY if, he gets his head out of his ass, goes NC with the OW, and after living with himself for a while, proves to you that he is 100% committed to your marriage and doing what is necessary. Otherwise, you need to circle up the wagons, get CS and SS established, and concentrate on starting to heal yourself and your beautiful children.

He left you. You need to be a strong mother bear, pick up the pieces, and make sure that your children are cared for. (((hugs)))

fourever posted 6/29/2013 09:44 AM

Listen carefully to these wise people. Pull your bitch boots up and go to town. It's over when you make it over.

Once you do this, you will be clear on how your life will be best served and that of your children.

You can do this!

Mousse242 posted 6/30/2013 17:59 PM

Consult with some attorneys so you know where you stand in it all.

He's not remorseful, he's not working on the marriage, he's not helping you feel secure, he's not . . . . .

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/30/2013 18:56 PM

Your situations sounds familiar. I am sorry to write this but as long as you let him go between you and OW he will. He needs to make a decision. It is not fair to you or your children. He will continue to treat you the way he has been.

He needs to go NC with the OW. As long as he is in contact he will not commit to repairing your marriage. All contact needs to end.

You can't change WH from what he wants to do. You can only control how you handle it. You don't have to make it easy for him to have his cake and eat it to. You don't have to be an angry bitch - a calm logical bitch works very well.

I tried to tell myself I could live with WH's behavior until I found out about the A and he said he wanted to divorce me and then he didn't know what he wanted. I realized I couldn't live with the insecurity of wondering when WH decides to kick me to the curb. He could continue doing what he was doing and live somewhere else without his family or decide to stop and commit to our marriage - and I mean commit to rebuilding the trust and making a new marriage.

Good luck.

brkn_heartd posted 6/30/2013 19:37 PM

Great posts already. I agree, he has no intentions of changing as long as things are as they are. Send him camping with the kids. Tell him you are not going when he is getting ready to leave. Then go to your lawyer and spend time on you. You have to get your self together. That does not mean you have to D or S. But until you are calling the shots he has all control.

My H didn't walk away from OW until I was walking away from him. You have to be serious and hold to what ever decision you make. You cannot waffle, he will use that against you.

Hugs to you.

boontje posted 7/1/2013 07:36 AM

You ask "how do I get through to him?". You do exactly what the other posters have said. Put on your bitch boots, and start making decisions that are in YOUR best interest, not HIS. As long as you allow him to have both of you, he will. I read on SI once that you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. Give it some thought as you help him pack for his camping trip with his children. I am so sorry you are going through this ((jct94))

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