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Is it possible?

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Betrayed07 posted 6/28/2013 06:31 AM

To sum up my story - Married 11 years, together 13, 2 kids (6 and 3). WS had A with coworker.

If you read my original posts, WS was being a real A$$ on Dday. Blamed me b/c of sexual problems over the years. Very defensive.

Silence for a few days then something seemed to click with him. Floodgates of communication opened. He is ashamed and angry with himself. He wrote OW an email to never contact him again. He acknowledges that he has "ruined everything" and has been saying he's sorry. He just wants to keep hugging me and telling me I am a good woman. He is also being moved to another location in his job and is looking forward to it. He wants no reminders and doesn't even want to go to work until the official move happens (OW is out of work now for injury). He wants to focus on only me and the kids and doesn't want to face anyone b/c of the shame he feels.

He has been helpful around the house and more helpful with the kids, too. I truly think he is remorseful (despite his initial bastardness) and my gut tells me things will be ok in the long run.

BUT...I can't shake this overwhelming feeling of sadness. I never thought I would react like this. I was one of those people of the mindset if my husband cheated, F U, I'm gone! Not the case. I manage through the day, but mornings are worst. I don't want to get up. The feelings flood my mind when I wake up for some reason. I see IC next week, then we'll start MC.

Is there hope??

boontje posted 6/28/2013 07:39 AM

To answer you question, yes, there is hope, but only if your WS is willing to do the work. My H was also a defensive jerk when I confronted, then he seemed to turn around. True remorse didn't come for quite some time. I made the mistake of seeing his regret and shame as remorse. I asked my H to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair" (I think that's the correct title), and it really seemed to help. Also MC for us. Take care of yourself. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but keep reading and posting. SI is a great support system.

womaninflux posted 6/28/2013 08:41 AM

There is hope but you can't do it alone. You need to get to a good marital therapist. Also, you should explore the issue that your husband may have some sexual issues himself (as in propensity for porn, addiction, etc.). Sex addiction in one form or another tend to result in an affair. Especially if he's been icing you out emotionally/sexually. One of the hallmarks of SA is that they are unavailable emotionally/sexually to their primary partner.

Betrayed07 posted 6/28/2013 09:57 AM

We are going to try MC after my initial IC next week. He told me this morning that he wants to spend more alone time with me (Dates, etc). We've grown apart since we had our kids. We don't

Betrayed07 posted 6/28/2013 10:02 AM

We are going to try MC after my initial IC next week. He told me this morning that he wants to spend more alone time with me (Dates, etc) to work on us. We've grown apart since we had our kids. We don't have the help of family to watch the kids. The only time we can get alone is if we take off work and the kids are in school. I have hope, but also doubts. I know I can't predict the future, I just wish I could fast forward. I haven't even gotten mad yet. Just so sad all the time.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/28/2013 10:28 AM

The is hope if both you are committed to working on R and working on the behaviors that allowed WS to have an A.

He told me this morning that he wants to spend more alone time with me (Dates, etc) to work on us. We've grown apart since we had our kids.

IMHO I thing most parents go through this. I don't know how old your kids are but the time parents need to be parenting is not very long when you think about your whole life. When you have children it takes effort to schedule dates and alone time and it is not as spontaneous and sometimes it feels the efforts are to great for the times you can be alone. Looking back WH and I should have put more effort into scheduling alone time. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Children do become old enough to leave alone so you can go to dinner. Children do become adults so you can start go away together. I hope your WH understands this and realizes it is also his responsibility to help plan alone time.

sisoon posted 6/28/2013 13:05 PM

IME, the sadness was overwhelming and stayed that way until recently. (Fortunately, episodes of grief came less and less frequently over time.)

If your D-Day is close to your registrations date, it's remotely possible you may find some fury soon, too, and at least a little fear.

Honor your feelings - feel them and let them go. It'll take a long time because there are LOTS of feelings, but you have them - they don't have you.

There's immense hope for you, if you let yourself heal (i.e. feel your feelings). There's immense hope for your H if he's remorseful and does the work he needs to do. There's immense hope for your M if both of you do the necessary work.

Betrayed07 posted 6/29/2013 11:13 AM

"there are LOTS of feelings, but you have them - they don't have you."

Thank you, sisoon. Those are words I have been repeating in my head all day today when the thoughts and sadness start and it has helped! I need to be in control of my emotions to move on to R. H is worried I will never let them go and be able to R. He acknowledges I will have good days and bad days, but is worried that we will never get past it. Starting IC next week.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/29/2013 11:55 AM

The road to recovery is not a sprint, it's an iron man marathon and it is not for the weak. His being worried about you "never getting past this" so soon is something to worry about.

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