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allingoodtime posted 6/28/2013 08:29 AM

Hello all.
It's been about a month since D-Day, and my WH and I are trying to make things work. We've settled into a rental apartment (we'd been trying to buy a house, but this whole A has put that on hold for a while.)

My family (when I discuss it with them) keeps saying I need to stop talking about the A and how it makes me feel. That I need to stop focusing on the anger, the hurt, and I especially need to stop talking to my WH about it. Even my WH wants to stop talking about it. Which, I do understand on some level...I know I wouldn't want to relive it, but do I really step back and allow them to tell me it's time to move on when I'm still hurting so badly? I really am trying to trust him, to put our marriage back together...and I know it's going to be a long road, but we're not that far out from our D-Day.

Is it wrong to want to keep talking about it when I feel like this?

In addition, the MW has decided to start acting like I'm this horrible person. I guess I should have seen this coming, especially since she is my former friend who actively pursued (and had an A with) my husband during our roughest period. But it makes me so angry on top of all the anger I already felt for her. I haven't done anything to her! I have wanted to lash out at her, oh lord, have I wanted to. But I've not. I simply cut contact. But suddenly I'm receiving horrible texts, e-mails...I'm sure I'd get letters if she knew our new address. It burns me to think that SHE was the one to have an A with MY husband, but I'm the horrible one of the two of us? (Okay. End vent on that one.)

[This message edited by allingoodtime at 8:31 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

1Faith posted 6/28/2013 08:56 AM

"You need to move on" "Can't you just get over it?" "What is wrong with you? It is time to get out there!" "You need to stop dwelling on this." You have heard these lines and many others.

So, why CAN'T you just get over it? I will tell you why. You never ever expected this. Nothing can prepare you for this.

The friends and family members who say this to you probably have never experienced the devastation of adultery. Perhaps they think this is the same as a couple break up. It is not.

This is not "Irreconcilable differences". This is bigger and badder than you ever thought. This is ultimate betrayal. This has hurt you deep to the core. This has shaken everything that you thought you were, made you question everything that you have ever done.

No one will really understand unless they have been through it. And even then, every situation is different.

You do not need to "move on" or "get over it". You need to heal. Healing takes time. Healing takes work. Healing takes patience.

You have just been run over by an emotional Mac Truck. You are broken mentally and emotionally. Your family and friends do not see the injuries, but they are there. And it takes the same amount of time and work to heal from this as it does from a bad auto accident.

Do not wallow in your hurt and pain. But do recognize it. Read books. Go to IC and MC. Talk about it. Write about it. You will not "get over" this in a week or a month or even a year.

You WILL begin to heal, but you it takes a long time to heal completely. There are some timelines that people may mention. I will mention them here, but remember that everyone is different -- do not judge yourself by these "guidelines".

Many people who have been D will say that it takes 2 years to really get over the pain. Others say 2-5 years.

Try not to get stuck in your pain but DO try to give yourself the time to heal. Cry and scream and beat up the garbage can. Get your anger and disappointment and hurt out. Do not stuff it down just because someone else expects you to.

This healing time is your time. It is your time to take control of your life and your own emotions and healing. You own it and you get to decide how it will work and how long it will take to heal.

Good luck.

(((Hugs)))

rachelc posted 6/28/2013 08:56 AM

Is it wrong to want to keep talking about it when I feel like this?

nope. THEY are wrong. A month from Dday, honey, you should be glad you're getting out of bed. It's WAY too early to "move on." What is your husband doing to rectify what he has done?

Block the OW in any way you can.
did he send a NC letter?
are you in MC?

heartbroken2012 posted 6/28/2013 09:13 AM

A month from Dday, honey, you should be glad you're getting out of bed.

True. I am 6-7 months out and still talking about it.

Ive been told here, and I believe that they fact that our BHs dont want to talk about it might be them trying to sweep it under the rug.

karmahappens posted 6/28/2013 09:23 AM

Hey allingoodtime

We will be 6 years out this summer.

I don't need to, but if I wanted to I would talk about the A, my ex friend (the OW) and whatever else I wanted to until I was done....because this is MY life and it was my pain, my marriage and my family they messed with.

My husband is great...if I start to talk he sits and listens, because he knows what he did. He carries the burden of his actions.

You are a month out from dday. Right now your focus should be on you, you , you.

You need to heal from this trauma and shock you have been handed and if your husband wants a marriage he needs to get some IC and get ready to do some heavy lifting.

You don't have to decide the rest of your life today. Spend today taking care of you....

(((hugs)))

ETA

I started this thread regarding Ring about a month ago...it made me think of you.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=497703

[This message edited by karmahappens at 9:31 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/28/2013 10:54 AM

I talked about the A everyday for months. Over time it became less. Now I talk about the problems and how are we dealing with them. I talk about making sure we don't fall back into old patterns and working on a better marriage.

IMHO a month is very early to have all the information you need to process. I found out new info a year after DDay that sent me into another tail spend and guess what happened. I starting talking about the A everyday all over again but that phase didn't last as long as DDay.

IMHO the reason you talk about your feelings and the A is you need to feel you are being heard, understood and changes are being made. Continuing to talk about A means you have not resolved something. At one month DDay I am not sure you get all your feelings resolved. That is why you need time. Finding someone else you can trust to talk about it difficult.

I found SI to be helpful insight because we all are going through this. I wish I found this sight sooner than I did.

doesitgetbetter posted 6/28/2013 11:02 AM

Whenever someone in my life would say something like "it's been 4 weeks, you should be over this by now" I would fire back at them with "if I lost a child, would you expect me to stop talking about the pain of missing that child after just 4 weeks?". Both events are traumatic and painful and need to be processed thoroughly.

At 5.5 years after DDay, if there was something on my mind that I needed to talk about with my H, we would talk about it. He listens if there is something on my mind, we discuss it (very shortly now), and we move on with our day. This is what the A talk has transformed into for us because we've talked things to death already so now we can just deal with the flash in the pan emotions that may come up from time to time and treat them like a flash in the pan.

You will get through this when you feel you have talked about it enough. Dr. Phil says you do it until....

Don't let your family tell you when you should be healed, don't let your WH tell you when you should be healed, you just keep working on yourself and get those feelings out whenever you feel you need to and you will work through this. It's a marathon, not a sprint, that means it's going to take a long time and a lot of stamina to get through it.

sisoon posted 6/28/2013 12:55 PM

Either your family hasn't experienced infidelity or they have and think they've recovered by rugsweeping.

You've been hit by immense loads of feelings - grief, anger, and at least some fear. Those feelings are in you, and that's why you want to talk. The best way to recover is to let your body feel these emotions, because feeling them let's them go. It's a lot of feelings, so it'll take a lot of time, but if you honor your emotions, they will eventually go away. Think 2-5 years, assuming no new hurts, before the last of your pain is released - it's awful at first, but the pain moderates over time - for example, at 30 months out, I'm experiencing pain for a few moments a week, if that.

In any case, if talking helps, talk. If listening to your H talk helps, keep asking your questions. If you're like many of us, you'll need to ask some questions many times; that's OK, too.

Bottom line, your family's wrong, but they probably don't know any better and are doing their best for you.

IC can help with letting your feelings go and with keeping up your strength when you differ from the people in your support structure.

NC with ow is best, but if she's harassing you, a letter from a lawyer telling her to stop might help. If she's in a committed relationship, outing her may help divert her attention. even if it doesn't her BS probably would benefit from knowing about ow's exploits.

Feel your feelings. Be kind to yourself. You can get through this and positively thrive.