SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

onlyTHRUthePAIN posted 6/28/2013 12:07 PM

So the hubby got enough time to come home for lunch and wanted to take us all out to lunch. All is well and then we sit down at a table...behind H is a woman who could be the twin sister to OW. I tried very hard to act normal but was panicking inside...OMG was I panicking!

Granted this is not the OW (she lives in a completely different state) and it has been over 7 years since the A took place.

Anyway...so as that woman and her friends are leaving H says to me, "I'm so glad you don't do crazy hairstyles like that." BAM...Instant double trigger! He paid attention to someone that I thought looked exactly like the OW. My thoughts ran wild all the way back home after lunch. I was trying so hard to act normal b/c the kids were with us in the car. All I could think was, "Did he realize this lady looks like her?" "Is that why he said something about her?" Granted this lady had an extremely weird hairstyle and H didn't seem to even realize she looked like OW. But in a sense that pisses me off too!! How could he not realize this woman looked just like her? I mean, HELLO, he had sex and carried on a 3 week affair with her....WTH! Is he really that clueless?

I don't know....it has me a little on edge b/c I can't help but think crazy thoughts.

Tonight is our weekly date night and I don't want to ruin it, but I plan on talking with H about it. I have a real problem with clamming up and feeling the blood flow through my body when I have a trigger. I get that feeling of H as the enemy and that I need to self protect in order to survive.

Is this kind of crap EVER going to go away??? I feel as though every single day there is always something that has to remind me of his A. Ugh....

Jrazz posted 6/28/2013 12:10 PM

Is this kind of crap EVER going to go away???

Yes it will, I promise.

Truthfully, we'll probably have a flickering trigger response for many years, but that heart-racing panic DOES subside. It's just super raw right now and our brains go right there.

Time most certainly heals a lot of this.

((((oTtP))))

onlyTHRUthePAIN posted 6/28/2013 12:13 PM

Thanks Jrazz. I sure hope so. I mean I have noticed I am coping better than I did on my true DDay, which was May 2, 2012. It is just so hard overall....I feel as though it is SO fresh and new for me...whereas for him it happened and ended over 7 years ago....it seems REALLY unfair. I feel so robbed of so many choices I could have made back then.

Lucky posted 6/28/2013 12:27 PM

Is this kind of crap EVER going to go away??? I feel as though every single day there is always something that has to remind me of his A. Ugh....

It really does get better I promise. You may forever find women who look like, or similar to, the OW but you'll soon be able to look and say "hmmm.. weird hairstyle, figures, it's like OW - what a whackjob!!"

hobbeskat posted 6/28/2013 13:52 PM

There's a famous model who reminds me of the OW (yes, she's that pretty). She's everywhere at the moment and I actually puked once when I saw her on the side of a bus shelter.

musiclovingmom posted 6/28/2013 14:06 PM

My H had a 9 month A with a woman who was a 'friend'. We saw her in town a couple of weeks ago and both of us recognized her son before we recognized her. Unless I look at pictures of her, it's getting harder for me to even remember what she looks like. It's almost like she is fading from both our memories - like she didn't exist. His actions still do, but she is no one.

onlyTHRUthePAIN posted 6/28/2013 14:29 PM

Wow hobbeskat, I can't even imagine that! Here I am complaining about one incident and you have it thrown in your face on a daily basis.

Lucky-I really like the way you put that! I think if I would have looked at it that way it would have been a lot better!

Musiclovingmom- I really like what you said. I think the reason that I even "remember" what she looks like is b/c right after Dday I obsessed and found her on the internet. I actually regret it now...but maybe I can do what you said eventually and just not even really "remember" what she looks like anymore. After all, I know she hasn't given me a second thought after all these years...I think I need to start trying to do the same thing and focus only on my M and our R.
I never realized just how hard it is to R after an A. Here I was the lady who though women who stayed with their cheating husbands were idiots and they should just leave them. It definitely isn't as simple as it sounds...
On the bright side I am learning so much about myself and my H...and we communicate so much better now.

Ya'll are awesome and I am so glad I am getting braver and starting to post on here!

Lucky posted 6/28/2013 15:57 PM

namaste32 posted 6/28/2013 18:22 PM

Tell me about daily triggers,....the lady that lives right across from my house looks just like the OW. She is also the same age.Her and her H moved in around the time the A took place.For the first 3 years I couldnt force myself to even greet her.I know,I know how stupid,its not her fault,....I just recently started talking to her because her kid likes to play with my,and she is super nice and very funny.And her kid is awsome.Its hard,but I just keep telling myself its ok,its not her,so mostly now after some time passed it is not that bad anymore,.....

RightTrack posted 6/28/2013 18:28 PM

I was at dinner with a girlfriend and MOW ( I thought) came up to me and said, " RightTrack, hello. Do you know who I am?" I turned white and started to shake. MOW lives on the other side of the country and although I know I may some day run into her I was Not Prepared! It turns out it was just an old colleague of mine. Wow, they look alike! My girlfriend later sat me down and fed me wine and commented on how ugly MOW must be!

Tired05 posted 6/28/2013 18:31 PM

I'm at a point right now that any woman with about the same build and dark hair like OW I start tearing up. Also, OW was a female soldier, and if there is a female, about same build, with dark hair....in ACUs.... I see RED. CAN'T do it. I hate going on post now.

DoneWithLove posted 6/30/2013 22:31 PM

My fWHs exOW looks like a fat, brunette version of my exbf exOW. I will never forget that face, I went to high school for 4 years with the girl thats a spitting image of my fWH exOW. It really bothers me that the two men that I let into my life like that slept with women that look like they could be sisters. I know im prettier then both of them on the inside and outside, but thats probably what made having an A so easy for all of them. I mean you gotta have low moral standards to have sex with someone who is going home to someone else and isnt 100% yours. "In the end, a married man never leaves his wife for the OW." In my case thats true and I think its wise for every one to think like that when they are presented with the option to have an A. Good luck

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 10:34 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]

lifestoshort posted 6/30/2013 23:20 PM

i dont know if it ever goes away, I still see people that look similar to whom my ex hooked up with and its a trigger for me. I dont say anything outload tho

Hearthache again posted 6/30/2013 23:21 PM

I have triggered like that too when women look like either OW. It gets better. I don't get upset as much as before.

Your husband probably didn't even think about her looking like OW. Guys are totally oblivious to stuff like this. My H doesn't even remember the name of the girl he lost his virginity too. The only thing he can recall about her is her skin color. She is black and every other girl he has been with is white.

What still will make my heart drop is any women who is the same body type my H likes. I hate it.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 11:22 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]