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Newest Member: jdgrief (45719)

User Topic: Separation early on?
OldCow18
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone felt it best to separate early on after d-day? It's been almost 3 weeks, WH wants to reconcile. I'm too devastated to know what I want right now. At the moment I can't imagine ever being able to move past this. Wondering if it would be helpful or harmful for him to move out?

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 1:37 PM, June 28th (Friday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
crazynot
♀ 24572
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I WISH I'd separated early on. Would have saved me a world of pain and given us more chance of saving the marriage - although the way things turned out, I'm soooo glad we didn't save it! I was cheated on once, minimised it, covered it up and it nearly killed me. 24 years later he cheated again. He ended the marriage not me, and he's still with the OW. And me? I'm happy, actually. Never feel obliged to stay in a relationship with someone who's cheated.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 904 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
2yrs+recovering
♀ 31582
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was able to kick FWH out and over the garage, this gave me the space I needed to think, wallow, cry and sleep with help. He stayed there for over 6 weeks until real marriage therapy began. And then our therapist suggested, after STD test results were negative, that if we both wanted to R, then we should find a way to be close, sex did not happen for a couple of months.

It's hard to R and live apart. But if I had any doubts, he'd still be over the garage.


BS (me)60 FWH 72
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 562 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
sodamnlost
♀ 37190
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I *REALLY* wish I had kicked WH out on dday. I could have used the head space. He wouldn't have spent almost 6 months lying to me, doing almost more damage to our fragile marriage than the A itself. learning how to stand on my own early on would have been a HUGE gift to myself.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
hill
12166
Member # 12166
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kicked XWH out the morning after D-day. He slept in the basement that D-day night.

We'd been together 13 years, married 8, but I knew the damage was done- that I was done. We did not have children, so that probably made it a lot easier for me to make a decision so early on.

The common advice here is not to make any rash decisions, but honestly, when you know, you know.


Posts: 3155 | Registered: Sep 2006
OldCow18
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, kids are definitely a factor here. They are 8 and 6 and they are weighing heavily on my mind...as opposed to on his mind when he decided to have an affair.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
circleoflife
♀ 39702
Member # 39702
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder the same thing. I found out 1st in April and now TT keeps on coming. He slept in the basement a couple nights but is back in the bedroom. I think I need space, time to think what I want and not just act like it's all good. I have 2 kids 6years and 9 months, so it's tough. I am so torn. I don't have any advice just wanted you to know I understand what you are feeling!


Me BW (36)
WH (39)
together 16 years
2 kids: 6 DD & 10 month DS
Dday:4/18/13
TT: 4/26/13
TT: 5/6/13
more TT: 6/13/13
more TT: 7/9/13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jun 2013
Tripletrouble
♀ 39169
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm two months past d day and mr triple has been in the basement since d day. After more TT that was game changing, I have asked him to move out while I clear my head. I think it is necessary in some cases to have them move out so you can truly 180, not for them but for you.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Lucky
♀ 6864
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It really depends on your reasons for having him leave. If you both want to R it may not be the best idea as it's hard to R from a distance.

If you do ask him to leave make some ground rules - like he is not to have contact with OW in anyway shape or form.

Mr Lucky and I did separate for a week - he spent more time here than he had in the past 8 years I finally had to tell him he couldn't be coming over.

I played hardball. Really hard ball, long before I learned of 180 and SI. I refused to let him see our son (then 14) and refused to let him talk to him whenever he wanted. My goal was to let him see what a weekend dad really felt like. He wanted to take Lucky son to a sporting event, I refused telling him it wasn't "his weekend"

ONE week and he was begging to come home.

We also had rules; no dating, no seeing OW, no contact with OW... He didn't much like being all alone in a hotel room where Lucky daughter worked, bummer for him, right?

Really think what you want, having space to think is good but over thinking everything can make things worse too.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Topic Posts: 9

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