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I've been lurking on here for a couple weeks now when I found out my SO (of 16 years) has been having an affair. D-Day was April 18-I found on his computer left open there were several messages from a woman then I found a specific file folder named for this woman with pages of emails. I opened a couple, I seen all I needed too. Not much but enough. I confronted him and got she lives on the west coast, he doesn't know her etc. Then a few days later I found out more lies. He went to a "sex" website (Shagaholic) to start to meet/chat. He claimed it was a joke, him and guys at work were doing this. Again I found this out, he never came clean until after I confronted. Then I found a few more lies. Now last week I found he met her after April 18 and met her on May 7. He says nothing happened, they met so she could give him "sex" advice on websites on how to improve our relationship.

I feel so empty. The first time around I was sick, when I found out last week I was sick. Now I don’t really feel anything. He’s still in the house. I got the whole he wants it to work, he’s sorry, he’ll do whatever it takes. However, yesterday I asked him some more questions and he got defensive and said “it’s like you don’t want us to work” and I responded “you’re right, I told you to leave and you haven’t left yet and right now I’m not sure what I want”.

Our relationship was not in a good place prior to finding all this out. Since finding this TT out, we have been more open and communicating a lot better. I kept pressing him for info and did some researching which is how I got him to finally tell me that he met her. Yep she doesn’t live on the west coast.

Anyways, I’m all over the place. I know most of you have been thru the infidelity before and for each situation it’s different. But how did you know you got the whole truth? Did you have that gut feeling you knew the truth or maybe you still don’t know the whole truth and are fine with it?

TIA

Sounds like you are getting a staggered disclosure. I recommend getting into marriage counseling ASAP. As time goes on, you will likely find out more information. Also, have you considered looking into Sex Addiction as a reason for your husband's behavior? If he is into porn and tells you "all the guys think it's funny" as his excuse, then something is definitely going on. Especially if he has spent all of this time accumulating all of these emails, saving them, etc.

I'm so sorry you are here, circleoflife.

I'm also sorry to have to warn you not to believe a word he is saying. Not only do cheaters lie, but your H's stories sound especially lame. (No offense intended). And his getting defensive at this point is a bad sign.

I asked my H to take a polygraph, which he passed, but that was after months of lies.

If you need him out to clear your head, have him leave. You need to concentrate on you at this time.

Best of luck.

I thought the same thing about the whole, well the guys at work were doing it. We were all joking around. I felt like in HS all over again. I never thought of the addiction thing. That's a possibility. He tells me he doesn't really watch or enjoy porn. I didn't have a problem if he did watch it. but who knows what to believe. how do you go about to get a poly done?