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Am I unreasonable about this?

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LearningToFly posted 6/28/2013 14:00 PM

My H is a teen of the 60s. He loved the Beatles and has fond memories of his teen and young adult years with their music. I am a five years younger than him and the Beatles were there but not a big part of my life. When we were dating, he was on a Christian music kick and we shared that type of music. He went back to his first love of music groups about 5 years after we were married. Its never been a part of our relationship, just something he really enjoys on his own. Its also been a sore spot because of the energy he has put into it while neglecting our relationship and the needs of our family.

When he was cheating on me, he shared the Beatles with his OP. They were dedicating Beatles songs back and forth to each other the entire month that my sister was dyeing of leukemia. His OW picked a specific song for him on the day of the funeral declaring her undying love. He expressed his feelings of flattery and honor. (This is all in the emails I have now read). It has taken his obsession with the Beatles to a new level for me.

Today he found out that they were going to be in concert a few hours away from where we live. (In the area that his AP parents live and he has met with her once). I don't think he will meet her there but I didn't think he was cheating either. He was so excited and asked if I would mind if he went. I lost it. I wish he didn't hear about it. I can understand him wanting to go see Paul McCartney since he has loved him for 40 some years. I just feel like I am still not that important to him. I feel threatened. I feel he doesn't really care if we make it or not. Now we are fighting. I feel like no matter what he decides, I am going to feel bad.

I know I should not make a big deal about this since I don't believe he is going to cheat on me. (unless she happens to show up at the concert and they accidentally find each other in the giant crowd.) He offered for me to go too. I am really not interested at all. This was something THEY shared not us though we have been together for 30 years and they were together a year and a half.

Can you all be the voice of reason for me.

Lucky posted 6/28/2013 14:50 PM

They are going to a concert in her city and you really believe that they won't see each other?

Oh honey... I'd lay down the line. Either he stays home and works on marriage and R or you go with him, Beatles fan or not.


I know I should not make a big deal about this

YES you should.

notquiteoverit posted 6/28/2013 14:56 PM

Go with him, and have a good time. Then, pick an activity that YOU enjoy and have him go with you. Not only is this a great way to bond, but then you can reclaim something that he shared with OW.

Chicky posted 6/28/2013 15:00 PM

WHO is going to be in concert? A cover band? Just wondering....

eta: nevermind - I just noticed Paul McCartney.

[This message edited by Chicky at 3:03 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

LearningToFly posted 6/28/2013 15:03 PM

Paul McCartney will be playing. The tickets are $100 and we are on a tight budget. We also can't leave our son alone overnight. He is on probation and uses drugs.

simplydevastated posted 6/28/2013 15:08 PM

This is coming from a Beatles fan.

Go to the concert. This is huge! This is something that he really enjoys and (to me) it'll show him that you're trying to connect with him on some level. Then like notquiteoverit said, pick something you enjoy that the two of you can go to. It just may help bring you two closer together.

Also if she happens to be there you'll be by your husband's side and the two of you can show a united front.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 3:09 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

Chicky posted 6/28/2013 15:08 PM

If I had absolutely no interest in it and I couldn't make myself go for the sake of my husband, I would make it clear that he cannot go either. If he thought I was being unreasonable, I would remind him that actions have consequences and THIS is the consequence of his prior cheating behavior. But, that's just me....

I also should admit that I have never understood the fascination of the Beatles. There is not one song I could say I like, but then again I am a huge Tina Turner fan and I know people that don't understand my fascination with her.

[This message edited by Chicky at 3:11 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

Edith posted 6/28/2013 15:10 PM

Oh LTF, I'm so sorry you are going through this. My opinion: You are not being unreasonable, at all.

I would gather all of his Beatles music, vinyl, CDs, etc., insert them into the microwave, and zap those babies on HIGH. You can think of it as a scientific experiment like seeing what happens when you nuke vinyl and plastic (it is amazing!! I have done it!!).

Especially Beatles, which is also a trigger for me, since gutter skank likes that sort of horrid music. I never have, and am completely intolerant of it now.

I would question your husband's understanding of the depth of his betrayal. Have you told him how you feel about this music?? If not, I would give him a chance to change his mind before going to the "nuclear option."

Take care,


1devastedmom posted 6/28/2013 15:17 PM

I say you go with him. There are bands my husband loves that I really don't like but I still go to concerts with him. You need to show him that you ars interested in doing things he enjoys, have fun and connect.
You can't keep yourself held hostage at home because your son may do something. Is he a minor or an adult? Do you have a friend or family member that wouldn't mind staying over while you're at the concert. It would be a cold day in hell before Id let my husband go alone.

LearningToFly posted 6/28/2013 15:33 PM

Our son is a minor and we cannot leave him. We left him with his sisters to go to my sisters funeral and he left the house, got high, and was spotted running back and forth across the freeway. He is really out of control so there isn't anyone who would want the responsibility. I suppose we could talk to probation about him being in Juvenile hall so that we could get away together. (He has spent months in Juvenile hall so its like home away from home - sad I know.)

Maybe it would be good to make a memory together and go to the concert. I could find something to enjoy about it. I will have to think about what would be fun for me to pick as the reciprocal activity. That would be if its possible for me to go...or we could take him along...I would still need to go since he took our son to his High school reunion and left him sleeping in the car when he stopped to see his OW. She was visiting her parents at the home she lived in when they were dating as teens.

Edith, your idea made me laugh. I liked this idea best of all but could never do it. Even though I have grown to hate his obsession with the Beatles throughout the years, I have tried to connect by buying him shirts, discs, VHS, and memorabilia as gifts. He has just never turned that back to me and dedicated any songs to me or shared why he liked certain ones. Yet, he jumped at the chance to share his love of them with OW.

Holly-Isis posted 6/28/2013 15:51 PM

I may be remembering wrong, but didn't Paul McCartney say when his first wife Linda died that they had never spent a night apart?

If he could, in his time as a star, prioritize his M, then your WH damn well can too.

Pippy posted 6/28/2013 16:26 PM

I'm bothered that you are not willing to share something with him that is important to him. Most couples will share activities even though one is more keen than the other.

I suspect you are projecting your (justified) feelings for the the OW onto the Beatles. I understand completely how this can happen, believe me.

Usually a WS wants to escape from daily life stresses and be young and free again. It would really help you to go to MC. Is he overly stressed about your son? I know this is very difficult for both of you and it doesn't justify his cheating. But it may be a starting point in couseling.

Lucky posted 6/28/2013 16:34 PM

Our son is a minor and we cannot leave him

In a way you are doing what you mentioned in another post. Putting the kids first and your H second, third, fourth...

You can find a way to get someone to watch him. Talk to someone at juvie and see if someone won't help you out.


I'm bothered that you are not willing to share something with him that is important to him. Most couples will share activities even though one is more keen than the other.

You can't R if you only dip your toe in, you have to take the plunge.

Jospehine85 posted 6/28/2013 16:55 PM

I am surprised that in 30 years you never found a way to enjoy the type of music he is passionate about.

Frankly, I think you should go and it has nothing to do with OW. Fuck her.

It's most likely OW wasn't really enthralled with the Beatles. I bet you $100 she just pretended to be enthused to make your WH think they shared something. (I could list a dozen things MOW in our case claimed she loved, but really didn't, just to convince WH they were meant for each other)

You should go and see your husband enjoying a music he has loved his entire life. You should go and take pleasure in his enthusiasm.

Find some way to arrange care for your son. Perhaps there is an off duty police officer or EMT or fireman you could hire. You NEED to find this kind of person to use anyway. You should not be stuck at home and unable to have breaks from caretaking. This should be a priority for you.

And then, yes, find something you love (or have always been interested in) and have your WH go to that with you.

Holly-Isis posted 6/28/2013 17:05 PM

While it would be great for them to go together, I'm looking at the list of d-days and how he kept restarting the A. Which restarts the R process and makes it hard to jump in with both feet.

The most recent d-day is 3 months ago. Not exactly a time period where I gave a damn about MrH's passions, I can admit. At this time, much further out would I go to an activity he enjoyed but I didn't? Possibly. Would I do it if the activity was used to deepen the the songs were dedicated back and forth?

No. I'm sorry, I suppose I'm not that evolved.

ETA- and she said she has encouraged his passion with gifts being involved in his love for the group...he never reciprocated. He did with OW and it's a sore point, understandably so, IMO.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 5:10 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

GSmom posted 6/28/2013 17:10 PM

I, too, agree with those who said 'Go with him". What a great opportunity to have some time doing something that gets you away from the every day responsibilities and I agree it's a chance to take back some of what the OW shared with him. Just my 2 cents...

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