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OldCow18 posted 6/28/2013 14:17 PM

Did anyone contact the OW? I'm feeling this insane need to talk to her. I want to hear what she has to say, I want her to apologize. Will I feel better? No, but, I'm having this nagging need/want for her to have to deal with me.

While she wasn't a close friend, I did know her. As WH's "friend at work" she has been to my home with her BF at the time (now husband) for dinner, she's also been here to baby sit my kids We attended their wedding, I sent a bridal shower gift prior to, then she immediately got pregnant and I sent a baby shower gift as well. This woman knows me, knows my family. I want to hear what she has to say. Bad idea?

circleoflife posted 6/28/2013 14:23 PM

I ask myself the same question. I have tried calling the OW and she just ignores my calls. I have a feeling he gave her my number and told her never to answer, lol. Anyways, I know that by talking to her she may make me feel worse, but for me that's a risk I'm willing to take. I want to take the risk to see if she has anything else to add to what they did. I don't want to go crazy on her, I really just want to hear if "their stories match". Sorry I don't have any yes call her or no don't call her advice. But did want to know I am right where you are and right now am resisting the urge to just call her phone a dozen times while she doesn't answer!

ambull29 posted 6/28/2013 14:31 PM

I spoke to the OW. I did whatever made me feel better. I wanted to know her intentions and I wanted to know what future plans they had discussed. She answered but didn't give me any info really. I was getting so frustrated, but I could tell she was trying to protect him. Just talking to her I realized what a ditz she really was and how very oblivious she was to the pain she had caused. It may not get you anywhere, but if it makes you feel better...I say call her. Good luck!

Lucky posted 6/28/2013 14:35 PM


She won't tell you want you hope to hear, she's unlikely to be truly remorseful, and the odds of her telling you lies to hurt you are very very high. That's a bell you can't unring.

It also makes the odds very high she'll run straight to your WS and tattle on you opening communication all over again. You'd be inviting her back into your M.

Just deal with you and your WS. The focus isn't really about her, I hope you know that.

[This message edited by Lucky at 2:36 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

doesitgetbetter posted 6/28/2013 14:56 PM

She won't be sorry, she most likely won't apologize, and she'll most likely say whatever she feels she needs to to cover her butt. She's going to lie, or worse, she'll give you all sorts of nasty details that you don't want just to hurt you. She has no interest in helping you heal, so you won't get anything of value from her.

On a side note, does her BH know? He should.

starstruck posted 6/28/2013 15:41 PM

NC means no new hurts. OW will probably hurt you with lies.

I would let her BS in on the secret of the A. He should not be in the dark anymore.

I have wanted to contact OW but have not--it's hard but necessary.

Edith posted 6/28/2013 16:04 PM

OC, honey, do you ever have the urge to swim in a cesspool? To eat live bugs? To inflict random flesh wounds to yourself??

I would stay away from OW. It is rare that truth passes their lips, as they are too busy using them for other purposes, if you get my drift. Not worth your time to look that low.

If your H is worth staying married to, he will tell you all you need to know.

Take care,


avicarswife posted 6/28/2013 20:36 PM

There are 3 OW is my WH situation. Two of them I know - they had been around to our home for meals.

I eventually contacted mOW#2 eleven months out because I needed to know if the trickling out of information was complete - WH had made promise after promise it was - yet there was always more!

MOW#1 is a bunny boiler - manipulative, liar, BPD and a sociopath. I already knew she was unremorseful. There was no point in contacting her.

MOW#2 is remorseful and apologised (indirectly) early on. She and her BS are in R.

I found talking with MOW#2 helpful - I did get more information and a got a sincere apology.

I guess if you are going too, I would say:

Go with an agenda - specific list of questions.

Record the conversation.

Have it in a public place.

Only do so, if you know they are remorseful and in NC with your WH.

Also leave some time - remorseful or not - I think I might have embarrassed myself with my vitriol and anger if I have talked earlier.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 8:38 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

Happydays posted 6/28/2013 20:53 PM

Did anyone contact the OW? I'm feeling this insane need to talk to her

Honestly, if you are a kind of person who regrets not doing something and then wonder what it would have been like later, then do it. I am one of those persons.
You will receive tons of experienced advice from dear members her on not doing it, but, if it helps me, I would do it.
I told exW on d day I wanted to talk to OM and please ask him to meet me for civil conversation. I didn't get that favour. I called him, no response. My friends called him from pay phones from different locations in the city. No response. He wouldn't pick up.
He spoke up finally in the police station. To the police. To my press reporter friend/ acquaintance. And finally me, right there in the police station.
While he told others the truth, he was seemingly angry on me. " yeah, what happened on your exW birthday?" was his response to my question on why he spent the entire day with my exW on her birthday.
I realised it was futile to engage with his lies and deception.
He told the police and reporter that ExW was the one who pursued him.
He told them that exW was the one telling him about marital problems.
But to me he was filled with rage.
Can't understand crazy. Maybe I had troubled him at his work place and humiliated him by sending the cops to his work location resulting him being kicked off the project?
Maybe he didn't like that I had called his dad and told him OBS was right about the continual of the A.
I expected an explanation which I did not receive. It was not very long, when I realised it was futile trying to get anything out of that POS.

But I was content that I tried. At least I got that exW had pursued him by re writing M history. That was sufficient for me.

Nest2007 posted 6/28/2013 21:01 PM

I received a letter from OW - my WH had written a similar letter apologizing to her BH, so she wrote one for me if I chose to read it after my WH confessed to me. I decided to read it. I'm not sure if it helped or not, but am grateful for the apology, even if the letter raised more questions as it seemed to me that she had feelings, maybe even loved my WH even though the 'A' was only a ONS. But not all interactions involve an apology like mine did.

This is the letter I received from OW

Though it may mean little in the circumstance I want to apologise to you for the disrespect I have shown to you, your marriage and to your family. It was never a deliberate attempt to hurt or undermine you and I am guilt ridden knowing how my selfish actions will affect you and yours.

I do not seek absolution, because I do not think that I deserve it. But it is something that I give freely to ****** as I do not blame him for any if this. I have lost my marriage, my girls and my home because of my actions. I lost my chance to give my girls something I never had. I am pretty sure this is close to rock bottom though I know true rock bottom will be losing ******'s friendship.

I hope you believe me when I say my offer of friendship, cooked meals and such were not deliberate acts of deception. I genuinely wanted to help you and your family avoid the stresses associated with a young child and heavy work commitments that plagued my parenting.

It was this empathy, in part, that was a foundation for my friendship with ******. Initially I found my return to (town name) & my job at the college very isolating and almost heartbreaking. He was just as lonely as I was and in as much need of unconditional affection. We were both hoping for somebody to take care of us. ****** gave me cause to not cut and run as would have been my first option and instead brought joy, beauty and passion back into my life. He helped me to grow and undersand my faith which is something I have always struggled with. I will now have time enough to think on my sins and to focus on my relationship with God.

So much of who ****** is and what he does gave me strength & motivation. I was awed to be in the presence of such a prodigious man. I was and am willing to repay his kindness with as much generosity as I am able to give. I hold ****** is the highest esteem and my admiration for him is endless. Our friendship grew with a speed and ferocity that surprised us both.

I do not presume to tell you what you know already but ****** is one of the most principled men I have ever had the blessing of meeting. His professional drive and commitment is commendable and his personal passions are inspiring. There is nothing more important to him than the wellbeing of his daughter and this paternal instinct is evident in the diligent care of his students. ******'s genuine love of his students was a trait I have found in few teachers and it mirrored my own passion for teaching. Perhaps we both strive to right the wrongs of our past through our teaching. I pray we will never repeat the wrongs of our past.

Though I have always thought ****** to be above me, I found in him a kindred soul who understood my upbringing and context all too well. He gave me comfort and acceptance like I've not known before. Regardless of any faults ****** may have, he will always remain one of the most incredible, passionate and selfless people I will ever know. I saw the personal conflict this caused him, I see the hurt and grief it is causing him now and I will always know that I contributed that.

******'s devotion to his family and faith meant this was never easy for him. He will try and take more responsibility for his actions than he rightfully should and this exemplifies his selfless nature. The fact is that had I shown more restraint then he would not have faltered. My friendship with ****** is such that I can not regret it because he has given me so much in such a short space of time. My feelings for him as they are mean that I only want what is best for ******. But I took from him what I had no right to take. I have hurt him deeply and it grieves me deeply.

Apologies from me will never be enough, but I hope you will forgive him.

anemie posted 6/28/2013 21:05 PM

It can be good and bad to call the OW, the one in my case give a very crappy apology and when I asked her why she did it she said WH was looking for a good time so she gave it to me. It made me so angry to hear that and hurt me but at the same time I was able to get what I felt was the last word.
She said I had a beautiful name that it had been her mothers name and I said I was sorry to hear she had passed but I hoped that she could strive to be a better person because I was certain her mother would have been very disappointed in what a slut she had become...she was 19.

But most do not have a could experience speaking with the OP.

Tired05 posted 6/28/2013 21:15 PM

It also makes the odds very high she'll run straight to your WS and tattle on you opening communication all over again. You'd be inviting her back into your M.

This! Definitely this!

The day after DDay, I had sent OW a very sarcastic message that basically told her that we were definitely still married and not in maritial stress, that my WH wasn't the guy you think he is, and he is probably lying to you just as much as he is lying to me. I put it all in phrases like 'I hope he doesn't cheat on you when you are 7mos preggo while you are axiously awaiting the birth of ya'll planned child and for the love of your life's return'. Very passive agressive I guess.

She didn't respond to me, but she forwarded it to him AND HE WAS PISSED. Which I wouldn't have cared about at all, but he told me that she said "I already knew all of this, and I take comfort in the fact that you haven't lied to me. I feel a lot better now that I know you are sincere with me". Basically, they bonded over it and had a 'common enemy' to laugh at together.

I am glad I sent it though because it made me feel better at the time, and I needed anything I could get to make me feel better.

[This message edited by Tired05 at 9:15 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

BillyinArkansas posted 6/28/2013 21:31 PM

Less than a week into finding out to be frank the OM is probably very lucky that I'm 1,800 miles away. So, no contact with him.

I would advise not to, because the truth you're looking for, they either won't have, or won't deliver.

tryingtoholdon posted 6/28/2013 21:32 PM

I don't post much... I stalk the forums. But.... this is a nagging issue. We are over 1 year out and things are going well. There has been NC from/to the OW with . me or my husband. However...we have many mutual friends and I know LOTS about her. I am trying to "run into her on accident" b/c there are so many things I want to say- I have a script planned in my head- and it will be hurtful. Healthy? - I dont' know...but still want to at this point.

Tired05 posted 6/28/2013 21:39 PM


...she sounded like she was praising him and I don't believe she was truly sorry. She gives you the reasons why she needed your WH, as if that will make you think 'okay, I'm not as hurt by this because it was for some good 'cause'. She also said she doesn't blame him at all.

I guess it is better than some BSs get though.

allfalldown posted 6/28/2013 22:25 PM

I met the OW in person. It was positive in one aspect but also difficult. She was terrified of me outing her to her BS so she threw my WH under the bus.

It filled in some details in my timeline and helped with the TT I have been getting.

I don't think she would have been so "helpful" if I had told her BS. That is still my trump card and I am so glad that I have not told him...yet.

Good Luck!

wannabenormal posted 6/29/2013 00:16 AM

I never talked to OW. Several things factored into why...

1) at time, she lived far and I didn't know how to contact her

2) also in beginning, I was afraid to lose XH by contacting her after her own BH told me how to

3) I guess by the time I could (distance and sadness gone) I didn't care to. Too much time had passed, that ship had sailed, kwim?

4) now? I was never introduced to her and it's been years and I really don't see a point. I'm not bitter...I just really don't know what the point would be. We all co-exist in the things we need to do for the kids. There's really no reason to act like we're new moms on the soccer team. If she came up to me tomorrow, I'd probably walk away really. We're never gonna be GF's or carpool or grab a green tea - so what's the point?

In 5 yrs, I've never been rude, but I also won't introduce myself to her either because I don't feel like I should. It wasn't my place. I didn't enter her life, she was brought into mine, kwim? Maybe I am petty, but we all just 'do' with the kids and it's fine.

She's nice enough to my kids, but if she ever isn't - I'll be in her face in a g.d heartbeat.

solus sto posted 6/29/2013 10:56 AM

Yes, bad idea. The odds that she will give you what you want are zero to none. It's far more likely she will be dismissive, or even hostile.

She made the affair okay in her mind. You are not her friend, you are the person against whom she actively conspired. To have an affair with your husband, the two of them told themselves many lies---most of which, quite likely, were about you.

Do you want to open yourself to that pain? To learn what they said about you? How she feels about you, having absorbed that dishonesty?

If she's sorry, it's quite likely that she's sorry she got caught.

Does her husband know? If not, he's the one I would contact.

ETA: The odds that any communication with her will spur contact with your husband are ASTRONOMICAL. That's another really good reason not to contact. You don't want to give them another thing to bond over, and contact with OW can provide that.

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:43 AM, July 1st (Monday)]

Ashland13 posted 6/29/2013 11:26 AM

This is such a controversial subject. I think it's kind of a person-to-person thing as all of our situations are different (yet not) and different outcomes come to us from OW/OM contact. I think for the most part it presents a negative response and that's why the majority rule is no.

Another thing is that it makes us BS/BH vulnerable and we don't need that anymore than we already you know what I mean? It makes us vulnerable to cruelty that with NC we can shut off and have some control over.

Contacting OW/OM opens up an avenue of communication and who knows what cruelty it makes us susceptible to.

FWIW, OW that Happy Pants chose to end our M with contacted me to throw him under the bus when he ended it to come home. I very quickly put a stop to the communication and it made more come-my phone beeped like fireworks, boom boom boom and so on. She also felt extremely justified thrusting herself into the world it took me 20 years to build with him and she very willingly threw him under the bus, as I said.

It gave me a little insight into the person she may be and I tell you, I don't want anything at all to do with her. I don't want any connection to my life or house or children and I don't like knowing she exists...

Another point is that I've heard (from counselors, too) a BS/BH contacting an OW/OM gives them a feeing of importance or credence and is often just an ego boost.

What took me a long time to understand is that she doesn't owe myself or children a darn thing and if she is happy stealing a long-time married man from his children and family, that's no person I want even one minute of time with.

Don't forget, ration pretty much goes out the door with any kind of A for both or all people and they don't tend to think regularly during them. They are out to "protect number one", as my military father says and if they can hurt us on the other side, why not?

Scrn2008 posted 6/29/2013 11:28 AM

I did and it was awful. She was not sorry at all, and was downright evil. She told me my husband never wanted our daughter(I was pregnant at the time of the A), and that my H had planned to leave me for her. She told me that she owed me nothing, and that if I had been a good wife that my H wouldn't have had an affair, I got nothing out of contacting her except for more hurt.

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