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Hung Up on Possible Lie OW Told Me

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anonymous823 posted 6/28/2013 17:16 PM

I know I shouldn't be harping on this but SI helped me get over the other OW texts so I figured this place might help with my last rough spot.

In the last set of texts sent the OW told me that my F told her he wanted her and not me. He swears he never said that and the evidence supports his story as the OW admitted she asked my F to marry her for a green card and he refused. He says he refused because he didn't care enough about her to help her stay in the country and because he loves me. I know him well enough to know that he goes all in when he wants someone and the fact that he didn't help her get the card tells me she wasnt they important.

For the past two months of R he has been accountable, attending therapy with me and really understanding of my fears and worries. Still I hang on her saying he said " it's you I want not her." My IC says whether he said it or not the evidence suggests he wants me given all he's done to show me he is rebuilding. The only thing he ever did was help her move after dday and I was furious but after that he went strict NC and we've been working since. Just need to stop being hung up on the OW saying he said he wanted her. I mean she could have lied.

[This message edited by anonymous823 at 5:17 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

crazyblindsided posted 6/28/2013 17:33 PM

I would listen to what your IC said and focus on what he has said and done since then. Words that he said then may not be how he feels now. He was in fantasyland when he said that.

I was just contacted by the MOW last week after 7 months of NC and she too said my WH was only staying with me because he is afraid I will commit suicide. It's been so long since I did that and I have put him through the ringer and he is still by my side fighting for me and for us.

The OW do not want to know that they were used so they make up an excuse to relieve the blow of being rejected.

I say if your WH is doing the work and is with YOU and there is NC established with the OW then try to see some of those words as her way to make you feel bad. I wonder what she thinks those words mean to her now? Now that she no longer has your WH to talk to about anything. She is on the outside of your M now.

LoveActually posted 6/29/2013 10:57 AM


So painful..those words that may have been spoken during an affair. It haunts me also and I'm 4+ years out. I know my husband said things to her that would have kept the affair going. I just try to focus on that fact that they are nothing more than echos from the past. If the words he spoke were true or had any meaning behind them he would be with her today. Just keep moving forward and when you slip into that painful place remember it's behind you now.

sri624 posted 6/29/2013 15:02 PM

you know, i feel your pain. i too discussed this with my ic. the ow told me all kinds of lovey dovey things he told me.

what my ic wants me to accept is that yes, he most likely did say a lot of nice things to her...he was in an affair...and maybe at the time he did feel those things. that i needed to accept that as part of his affair. i have to look at what he is doing now, and how he feels about her and our the other thing she wanted me to understand is that you cannot ever really spend much time believing what the ow says. no one is going to want to admit that they were being used by a married man. no one. the ow will always want to be relevant, and say and do things to prove that. but the bottom line is that he is with you, and not her. and if the relationship he had with her was that deep, he would be with her...period.

it hurts i know....but maybe this is a way to look at things. i know it has helped me a little.

fourever posted 6/29/2013 15:20 PM

Just wanted to thank you for this post and your responses. It helped me a lot today.

anonymous823 posted 6/29/2013 18:53 PM

@crazy blindsided- thank you for your reply. I believe you are right about OW needing to feel less used and lying. I like that you pointed out her now being an outsider, that is so true! I hadn't thought of that.

@LoveActually- thank you for your comment and hug :). You're right about the words not having very much value since he's working with me and with me.

@Sri- thank you for your response,it helped a lot. The point you made about the words having just been a part of the affair was especially helpful. It hurts still but if I look at it that way, it means so much less.

@fourever- I'm glad this thread and the comments from the ladies could help you too. I'm so happy they shared their wisdom because it was driving me crazy!

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