It was brought to my attention that my guilt may be covering a fear. Now I'm doubting my actions as being remorseful. I know Ive been on the floor literally with the pain of what I have done to my BH . I am sickened by it and it stops me in my tracks to the point of being immobile. But is that remorse. Or just feeling what I have done to him? I don't know. I was reading Betrayed Men and I wonder Cause I still do hope I can be loved by my H again. I do hope that he will smile at me again. I do hope that our dreams that we still talk about being old and in our rocking chairs together happen. And I do voice my hopes. Is that wrong is that manipulative. I know he can't love me the same. I am someone different than he thought. No different that I see him different now. And it really does feel like I have had blinders removed. I remeber listening to our wedding song acouple months ago and thought what the f*ck why didn't I listen to this last summer when I will filled with so much doubt and negative about us, Why din't I remember the card that was tucked away in my jellery case that I found again a few months ago and reread. Why didn't I read my cards to him when I felt true and safe and alive. What if this can't be corrected, the fear is the what if I can't find my base reason for why I am the way I am. Shame oh yes there's plenty from not being good enough don't let people see how weak you really are, to don't trust anyone. Comes from my childhood abuse . But are my actions now because of remorse and wanting to be better or is like my BH says that my alternative sucked and my life wouldn't be as good.
Does anyone else have these self doubts. Or am I once again listening to everyone but myself. I just not trusting my self. I know I am suppose to listen to my intuition and my gut. It tells me this is everything you want, it depresses me to hell that I couldn't fricken see it before and it tears my BH apart that he would probably love to throttle me if he could. I know I'm stuck I have a IC appointment on Tuesday.
I get up in the morning ok, you are going to get moving, do the tasks your suppose to and live. Then as I drink my coffe and walk around my yard, It slips away to back on the couch thinking about the should haves. Its worse when he's away. Which was a problem for me before too. I have to kick myself in the ass. Its better when I have my clients for work coming. I work from home on a part time basis so that gets me motivated, but I look at my house and it depresses me. It has fallen apart, clutter everywhere kinda like our lives right now. And it too has become overwhelming. It needs to be cleansed! Its almost a space between lost and nothing ness. I know it sounds stupid when I type it. Why can't I get going.