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so doubting my own thoughts

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Joanh posted 6/28/2013 18:02 PM

It was brought to my attention that my guilt may be covering a fear. Now I'm doubting my actions as being remorseful. I know Ive been on the floor literally with the pain of what I have done to my BH . I am sickened by it and it stops me in my tracks to the point of being immobile. But is that remorse. Or just feeling what I have done to him? I don't know. I was reading Betrayed Men and I wonder Cause I still do hope I can be loved by my H again. I do hope that he will smile at me again. I do hope that our dreams that we still talk about being old and in our rocking chairs together happen. And I do voice my hopes. Is that wrong is that manipulative. I know he can't love me the same. I am someone different than he thought. No different that I see him different now. And it really does feel like I have had blinders removed. I remeber listening to our wedding song acouple months ago and thought what the f*ck why didn't I listen to this last summer when I will filled with so much doubt and negative about us, Why din't I remember the card that was tucked away in my jellery case that I found again a few months ago and reread. Why didn't I read my cards to him when I felt true and safe and alive. What if this can't be corrected, the fear is the what if I can't find my base reason for why I am the way I am. Shame oh yes there's plenty from not being good enough don't let people see how weak you really are, to don't trust anyone. Comes from my childhood abuse . But are my actions now because of remorse and wanting to be better or is like my BH says that my alternative sucked and my life wouldn't be as good.
Does anyone else have these self doubts. Or am I once again listening to everyone but myself. I just not trusting my self. I know I am suppose to listen to my intuition and my gut. It tells me this is everything you want, it depresses me to hell that I couldn't fricken see it before and it tears my BH apart that he would probably love to throttle me if he could. I know I'm stuck I have a IC appointment on Tuesday.

I get up in the morning ok, you are going to get moving, do the tasks your suppose to and live. Then as I drink my coffe and walk around my yard, It slips away to back on the couch thinking about the should haves. Its worse when he's away. Which was a problem for me before too. I have to kick myself in the ass. Its better when I have my clients for work coming. I work from home on a part time basis so that gets me motivated, but I look at my house and it depresses me. It has fallen apart, clutter everywhere kinda like our lives right now. And it too has become overwhelming. It needs to be cleansed! Its almost a space between lost and nothing ness. I know it sounds stupid when I type it. Why can't I get going.

Card posted 6/28/2013 21:39 PM

Now I'm doubting my actions as being remorseful. I know Ive been on the floor literally with the pain of what I have done to my BH .

Remorse is never about how much pain "we" have. Remorse is about taking action to care for the person we've hurt or injured. In this case it would be about showing compassion, and care. It would be about living a transparent lifestyle that protects your spouse above all else.

Remorse is not about shame and guilt either.

It is good to talk about a future together, but not at the expense of actions that will demonstrate your care and your love. Both good conversation and real action are necessary for a recovery to occur. Neither is manipulative.

Some of what you are voicing is no more than self pity. And marital recovery from adultery has no room for self pity. Self pity can actually cause a wayward to feel like a victim. As I was told, it's a luxury I cannot afford.

Card posted 6/28/2013 21:49 PM

I know it sounds stupid when I type it. Why can't I get going.

It's not stupid!

When I see FWS's that are struggling with the "get going" issue, I usually suspect self pity. That's why I mentioned it in my last post. It leads to depression.

If you're not already on one, you might want to talk to your IC about an Anti-Depressant. If you are on one, tell your IC that the one they prescribed isn't helping and they may have an alternative for you.

Joanh posted 6/28/2013 22:28 PM

Thank you card for your response. yes I agree its self pity and my H has allways been against the anti depressants. Ive dealt with depression for most of my life more on a cycle basis. I need to get my head out of my butt . AS for taking care and have compassion. I believe I have that am working hard at taking care of him and caring. I listen to what he says and says he needs from me. I fail sometimes. I do have an understanding of what he is feeling and that is what brings me to me knees. I have given him access to anything he wants, he doesn't take it buts its there. I am allways accountable where I am or going to be. When I say something it is what my thought is. I do it get frustrated and angry sometimes Its not at him its at me.
Our conversation of our future and such are many ideas of his. I tell him I am sorry what I have done and how it has hurt him and has change his world and made him see the whole world as untrustworthy. The transparency as you said is the one thing I can finally feel good about myself. I'm not hiding, if he wants to ask a question, I will answer it the best I can. I am working on understanding the whys for myself. In fact Tuesday I have another appointment and I need to have my Ic work with me to dig deeper. Or I will have to find someone else.
AS to be a victim. I did blame my H or used it to justify my A for a period in the beginning. Now He is NOT the reason for my affair He did not make me nothing he did made me make that choice. I choose to step over that boundary. and I brought him with me. Nobody pushed me, itwas myself that allowed me to do it. And I want to find that self and get rid of her. These are the actions I am taking to make being with me safe for my H and my children. My self pity is alot of stinkn thinkn. I was on AD after the birth of my son for a bit. Not really sure if it helped or not the Dr only left me on them for 3 months. Maybe I will talk to the C and see what he says then talk to my H. Perhaps it might help. Thank you again

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