SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Is it normal, is it healthy, is it acceptable to feel the way I do? I made the poly appointment today, yet, I have not told him so. In fear that he may give me the silent treatment, in fear that he gets the last say, in fear that he may be telling me the truth and I simply do not believe him. I look at him, he is such a kind soul. Yes he is. Why he did those awful things to us, I am not a man, I cannot understand. I, believe it or not, do not want to hurt him. I do not feel right about putting him through that test. Putting him through the humiliation. Shit, he put me through worse. A lot worse, So, tell me why I feel this way. Am I behaving like an "abusive" wife, the wives who cannot leave their abusive husband, or do leave them, and continually go back with similar abusive men. Am I that type? I did not think so. I always regarded myself as an independent women, thought my children to be independent, educated and self sufficient. Why do I feel guilty about putting him through the damn poly test.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.
You need some peace in your mind.
The poly will give you peace. You have the right to ask for something that will give you peace.
If you could get it some other way, you would.
This is a plan for you to solve a problem. You are going down the right path. You are not rugsweeping and living with questions. You are being proactive. You are seeing a problem and you came up with a possible solution. You can and should be able to ask your husband, your life partner, to do something for you that may make him uncomfortable for a short time. Be calm, be firm, be rational. Don't fall into any mind traps. You know this is a sensible request.
Do not feel guilty!!!!
You are trying to help your marriage and yourself. Nothing to feel guilty about. I applaud you.

Yes. You are an abused wife. You are the woman who you never thought you'd be. I know this because *I* was in your shoes just a couple years ago. It took a lot of counseling to break through the self-loathing and shame that I had become one of those women. The kind that puts up with all kinds of shit. The kind that basically lets her husband walk all over her & treat her like dirt. The one who has given up all her power. Who has become diminished & weak. Afraid to ask for what I wanted. Afraid to make him mad. Walking on eggshells. Confused and uncertain what was happening in my life.

My heart goes out to you. Maybe you're not as low down as I once was. But if you are, please know you're not alone. My eyes have been opened as to the true situation of "those women". I'm very intelligent, I'm creative, I'm passionate. And yet by the time I realized the truth of my life I was less than a shadow. I was a ghost.

Try to focus less on labeling yourself and more on appreciating the fact that your eyes are opening to the truth of your reality. You have survived to this point. That's something to be proud of, even if the situation you're in isn't one you're proud of.

Hun, what you are giving him is a gift. Heck, you're giving him a couple of gifts.

First, and foremost, you are giving him a chance to begin, by taking this SMALL first step, to earn your trust back. Lets face it, you used to trust him, probably never gave that a second thought. He NUKED that. Between the betrayal of the A and the lies and trickle truth that followed, he just plain threw that trust away.

That you are willing to give him the chance to earn your trust back after that is a very generous gift.

The poly my friend, is a gift that helps him begin to achieve HIS goal of gaining your trust back. It is a first step, it needs to be passed, of course, but then it needs to be followed up with consistent integrity, faithful actions, all that good stuff he vowed in the first place,

It is a fact based test, he simply has to answer truth to some questions.

H did it. An experioenced examiner has talked to tons of guys like your husband and my husband. This is really just another day at the office for him. It will be private and quiet and dignified ( you didn't make the appointment with Jerry Springer, did you )

It isn't humiliation or torture, and it is a really fast track way for you to KNOW KNOW KNOW KNOW KNOW that you have the truth.

You're sweet and kind to worry about his feelings, but let him worry about yours on this one. That can be another gift you give him.

[This message edited by JustWow at 8:29 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

I read your profile and your husband has cheated multiple times. He has humiliated YOU multiple times. Have you gotten tested for STDs? If not, you must. If you have, think about the position YOU were put into being a married woman who has to be tested for STDs. THAT is humiliating. Most of us on here have had to do it. I can say that going to my doctor and telling her I need to be checked for STDs because my H cheated on me was one of the hardest things to do. Him taking a Poly after all the damage he has done is the least he can do.
Please, please, please do not let him off the hook. Sending you hugs and strength. You will get through this.

You feel like that because that is what he is screaming at you and force feeding you as a feeling. He is working his hardest at making you feel guilty and ashamed to want to know the truth, and it's working because that's exactly how you feel. You start thread after thread after thread saying basically the same things, and each response from each person is telling you the same thing. He is lying to you, he is not remorseful, he is still hiding things, and he's making you feel like crap because you want to get to the bottom of it and fix it. You ARE acting like an "abused" wife because he is emotionally abusing you right now at least.

He is in the wrong

You are in the right.

He should be begging for forgiveness - he isn't.

He should be willing to do anything to help you heal - he isn't.

You are in love with the fantasy that you had of him - he's NOT that man.

He's proven he chose to hurt you - don't trust him.