I am pretty close to your time frame too...and can relate to this post.
I have done a lot if reading, counseling, and praying on this trauma.
My two cents....
WS don't do this to "us". It is challenging to think about and accept this fact. No doubt BS's get hurt badly due to the affair....but don't think many WS start out with the intention to hurt their spouse. Chemicals released inside their bodies influence them...the excitement of someone new....the noticeable lack of everyday stress with the secret relationship...all add up to a very altered state of mind for WS. What was done to BS was lied to....and somewhere during the A life cycle that changed from a decision made in ignorance (WS did not initially see the harm that it was) to one made with much knowledge (by this time their mental state was so affected by the selfish desires that they are willing to risk it all...thinking thoughts like "so this is what I have been missing". And "I have married the wrong person...and my married AP ALSO married the wrong person". "If this is so bad...why does it feel so right?.....I am sure the list is endless).
I am not justifying WS's decision...just trying to gather info regarding what influences are at play.
Add to that the fact that WS's feel guilty about their actions causing them to self justify to protect their selves ("we are just friends". "We haven't had sex yet". "My spouse and I still have sex". "This isn't hurting my marriage")...their redirecting time and energy away from their marriage...it all adds up to a very surreal state of mind for the WS. BS simply can not compete in the WS mind during and immediately following the A. To that end I did done really pathetic actions immediately following my DD.
Now...where are we 10-12 months out? Both WS and BS are running on fumes. We have depleted our love accounts in each other. WS realize the mistakes they made and are trying to change...put up boundaries...heal from hurts (deal with lingering feelings for AP....deal with looking across the table at their spouse and seeing the hurt in their eyes). BS dealing with the pain and trauma, trying to forgive, looking at other people and thinking it would be easier to start with someone else "fresh", realizing they still love their fWS, but the voice in their head telling them to protect themselves.
It is a tangled mess.
This is serious trauma for the BS. It is difficult for the WS but I would not call it trauma. At times I wish it were trauma for my fWW...but then I really don't want someone I love to hurt any more then they have to.
Why differing levels if pain? WS had all the power, they did not get rejected, and they had love deposits made by their AP more recently then BS (not healthy i know but a comforting affect is still enjoyed by the WS)...WS stop depositing into BS accounts during their affair period as they lacked the desire to do so.
I am trying to refrain from adding pain and suffering to this...but I stumble. Our FWS's will stumble too. Patience is key. Also realize if one of you is hurting, both of you are hurting...this is no game, no competition. I think if my wife and I can really get here we will be ok.
I take much stock in how I have changed...both my patterns and habits AND how I feel. It gives me hope.
If you can...when you reach a breaking point...try to withstand it just a bit longer. It is hard but will be worth it. Try and seek ways to make love deposits when you can...and when you can't try not to make large withdrawals.
Again, I get what this post speaks to. Thank you for starting it.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:23 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]