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hopefulmother posted 6/28/2013 22:35 PM

I need some help. I am hanging in there. I thought things were going well. We are in month 10 going into 11 since D-day, but next month is the month the A started.

My husband is doing everything right, but I just can't seem to let it go. The last two weeks have been replaced by disgust. I love him, but can't stand to be near him. His behavior during the A and the month after the A disgusts me. His choice of AP disgusts me. Confiding in the AP best friend disgusts me. The AP disgusts me. I see my husband as weak, needy, and repulsive. I can't believe I married someone so selfish. Right now, I feel like this man is not worth it. Not worth me and my loyalty/commitment. Not worth my love.

He sure as hell didn't care.
He stopped the A because his feelings for the AP were getting intense. (even though he now says it wasn't her, it was the escape- could have fooled me and did) So, now you want to say it had nothing to do with her? There was nothing special about the AP that you wanted to have an emotional connection with and risk your family and M for?

What the hell? Do these WS really understand what they did? How devastating it feels? Now, they realize how stupid they were. It was the biggest mistake. They are so sorry.

Sorry just isn't good enough. I feel like nothing short of bad mouthing the homewrecker and her BF to everyone and in front of me to them is the only thing to make me feel better by him. (yeah) never happen. He had no trouble bad mouthing me without a second thought to her BF.

This is ruining everything and I can't seem to shake it. I feel like this is the end. It is almost a year and I just can't let it go or forgive the betrayal. I feel like I can't live in a M without what he gave away to this fake red-headed AP cashier that was 10yrs younger than me. (I know-so cliché) I want to leave. I want to spit on her and her bf.

I really don't want to leave. I look at our wedding pictures now and cry hysterically over what we had, what we lost, over how happy I once was. Now-I feel changed. Now, I feel bitter. Nothing of the person I was a month ago.

I don't want to give up after 11 months of this hell. Is this normal. I can be happy without him, I just am not sure I can ever be truly happy with him.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 10:40 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

sodamnlost posted 6/28/2013 22:40 PM

Month 9 here and this week has been filled with a loss of respect for WH ;( Not sure it's the same thing but may be related at least.

hopefulmother posted 6/28/2013 22:42 PM

Probably, I suspected in August-but truly found out the day after Labor day. I think it is just that I know that in two weeks-it will be the time he realized he liked the co-worker.

RightTrack posted 6/29/2013 01:05 AM

Same feelings here Hopeful. WH's choice of AP and the actual sick SA affair they had totally disgusts me. I had so much respect for my husband before and now it is all just shattered. I wish he knew how much I loved him before all of this, he didn't need to run off to his whore to prove himself, I just wanted him to come home sometimes.... But now he's ruined everything. I feel like I'll never be the same person and he'll never be my knight in shining armor again.

ItsaClimb posted 6/29/2013 09:15 AM

I'm 10/11 months out and I feel exactly the same way. We had been doing really well and then I was suddenly overcome by disgust and have been feeling that way for about 10 days now... can't shake it.

SoVerySadNow posted 6/29/2013 09:49 AM

My dd and yours are the same- it seems to be a truly awful time.
Even when I am attempting to "resolve" the things about the dishonesty, Gaslighting, the way I was treated...I still have the devastating fact that WH threw our marriage away by putting himself first and only. Where is the love in that? I'm not sure I will be able to get over that.
So I understand your feelings completely. I hope we all find some peace.

Blobette posted 6/29/2013 09:54 AM

Just adding to the "ditto"s here. I really do see my WH as this weak, needy baby who is unable to control his impulses. When I excoriate him for what a pathetic loser he is, I just see this total panic on his face -- this is who he is. And yeah, it prompts disgust. I probaly thought too highly of him before (and I own that), but man... now all I can see is how weak and selfish he is, like a big toddler crying for his toy. It's hard to think how you can move on from here and trust your heart again to this emotionally incontinent, out-of-control person. Moreover, one who is completely overwhelmed and panicked by the huge mess he's made of his life and has no fucking idea how to fix it (because Mommy sure ain't gonna do it, uh-uh, no way). This is when you want to kick them to the curb.

Do I sound angry still? Gee...

undonelife posted 6/29/2013 09:58 AM

I'm there too 7 months from d-day & a little over 4 months in R. His mOW was 20 yrs younger young enough to be his daughter. He asked me for a divorce cause his "heart was w her" they'd talked Bout what people they work w would think of them getting together & how much trouble it would cause in their lives. Real Romeo & Juliet angst. He was sold out on her. Hurts so bad. I'm still struggling w telling her husband 7 months out. I hate him some days. & want to see him hurting I did.

sisoon posted 6/29/2013 11:15 AM

My W's PA started in early August, with a late December D-Day.

I was a wreck during the first 'antiversary' of those dates. I kept feeling worse until D-Day itself, after which my pain level dropped precipitously.

I think a lot of BSes who deal with short-mid-length As go through hell for a few years during the period of the A. You're not alone, and you're not going crazy.

This is just another way an A is a gift that keeps on giving.

lilflower1000 posted 6/29/2013 11:57 AM

Hopeful,
Wow! I feel like I am in about the same place as you with very similar emotions. My D-day is Aug 1, the OW was 20 yrs younger than me and worked at Zaxby's chicken and lives in a trailer( lol). Talk about cliché. She had lost custody of her kids because of drugs and was pregnant with some other guys kid during the affair (okay, let's not even go there).

I forgave him completely and was ready to move on until the false reconciliation came into play. All the lies kill me!(read my profile if you want details). Now, like your wayward, he does everything right, but I just can't shake what he did. I have no respect for him putting not only me, but our 6 kids ( 4 ours 2 his from his first marriage)through this.

I thought we were normal people. We do not do drugs or party. That is why it was just so crazy that he did something like this with someone like her. When I asked about her he would tell me how sweet and wonderful she was. I asked if there was anything that he didn't like about her and the only thing he could come up with was that she cussed too much.

Anyway, I did get him to go to a friend’s house and apologize to me in front of them. This was very helpful to me since he would "hook up" with the ow at this friends house. I am still a wreck. The biggest problems are trusting him, knowing he will not do it again, and respecting him after knowing the evil that he is capable of perpetrating. I think talking about it in front of others helps in the same way that it helps someone who is quitting smoking. It is like a support system. If others know the cat is out of the bag and he has promised not to do it again they are less likely to mind their own business so to speak. It is harder for him to lie to friends about the state of your marriage and keep them as allies if you go to them as a united front.

I know I am not much help, but know you are not alone. Others may not agree, but I think that his apologizing to you in front of any friends who were already dragged into the situation would be helpful for you. It was helpful for me.
Good luck

blakesteele posted 6/29/2013 13:02 PM

I am pretty close to your time frame too...and can relate to this post.

I have done a lot if reading, counseling, and praying on this trauma.

My two cents....

WS don't do this to "us". It is challenging to think about and accept this fact. No doubt BS's get hurt badly due to the affair....but don't think many WS start out with the intention to hurt their spouse. Chemicals released inside their bodies influence them...the excitement of someone new....the noticeable lack of everyday stress with the secret relationship...all add up to a very altered state of mind for WS. What was done to BS was lied to....and somewhere during the A life cycle that changed from a decision made in ignorance (WS did not initially see the harm that it was) to one made with much knowledge (by this time their mental state was so affected by the selfish desires that they are willing to risk it all...thinking thoughts like "so this is what I have been missing". And "I have married the wrong person...and my married AP ALSO married the wrong person". "If this is so bad...why does it feel so right?.....I am sure the list is endless).

I am not justifying WS's decision...just trying to gather info regarding what influences are at play.

Add to that the fact that WS's feel guilty about their actions causing them to self justify to protect their selves ("we are just friends". "We haven't had sex yet". "My spouse and I still have sex". "This isn't hurting my marriage")...their redirecting time and energy away from their marriage...it all adds up to a very surreal state of mind for the WS. BS simply can not compete in the WS mind during and immediately following the A. To that end I did done really pathetic actions immediately following my DD.

Now...where are we 10-12 months out? Both WS and BS are running on fumes. We have depleted our love accounts in each other. WS realize the mistakes they made and are trying to change...put up boundaries...heal from hurts (deal with lingering feelings for AP....deal with looking across the table at their spouse and seeing the hurt in their eyes). BS dealing with the pain and trauma, trying to forgive, looking at other people and thinking it would be easier to start with someone else "fresh", realizing they still love their fWS, but the voice in their head telling them to protect themselves.

It is a tangled mess.

This is serious trauma for the BS. It is difficult for the WS but I would not call it trauma. At times I wish it were trauma for my fWW...but then I really don't want someone I love to hurt any more then they have to.
Why differing levels if pain? WS had all the power, they did not get rejected, and they had love deposits made by their AP more recently then BS (not healthy i know but a comforting affect is still enjoyed by the WS)...WS stop depositing into BS accounts during their affair period as they lacked the desire to do so.

I am trying to refrain from adding pain and suffering to this...but I stumble. Our FWS's will stumble too. Patience is key. Also realize if one of you is hurting, both of you are hurting...this is no game, no competition. I think if my wife and I can really get here we will be ok.

I take much stock in how I have changed...both my patterns and habits AND how I feel. It gives me hope.

If you can...when you reach a breaking point...try to withstand it just a bit longer. It is hard but will be worth it. Try and seek ways to make love deposits when you can...and when you can't try not to make large withdrawals.

Again, I get what this post speaks to. Thank you for starting it.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:23 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]

sri624 posted 6/29/2013 14:55 PM

hi there...i understand where you are coming from completely. i really do. next month will be the day where i discovered in the wee early hours of the morning...just after we got back from a cruise vacation....the dirty text message sent at 4am to a woman he met on-line on one of those dating sites. that was the day i learned i was in false r with a differ ow. yes, i am disgusted by all of it. and this woman is 15 years older than us...a therapist...and the type of woman who actually told me she was a sex addict and had herpes. nice hugh? he had been cheating with her the entire time we were trying to get over the first dday...9 months to be exact. i am disgusted that he lied that whole time...disgusted that he was using drugs behind my back, disgusted that "everyone knew", disgusted that when i threw him out for not following the conditions of r...that he continued seeing the ow during our separation.

oh, yeah...like your husband..he is so sorry and doing all he can to save the m...but i too am often times disgusted with the weak man he is. he is nothing special anymore...and i go back and forth every day on what my next move will be.

i do think this is normal.

Angel177 posted 6/30/2013 13:16 PM

Thank you for this thread. I am 9.5 months from dday and struggling worse then I have in a long time. Glad I'm not the only one. I really want to be happy with my wh again. I do love him but my love gets lost in all the anger lately it seems like. Knowing that there is a light at the end of this long tunnel is what keeps me going. I now know that R definitely wouldn't be possible without a very remorseful and patient ws to help you through these rougher times.

hopefulmother posted 7/10/2013 14:07 PM

Sorry it took me so long to respond to these posts. We recently moved and had to wait a week to get internet, then there was unpacking.

That week went downhill real fast. I nearly gave up. Did a whole hell of a lot of crying and pulling away (silent treatment).

I still feel the same way about my spouse. The disgust, the loss of respect. If I had met him now-I would never have dated much less married him. Do I dare say that the kids are the reason why I stayed. In addition to remembering the way I felt about him before the A started. Though I am not as stressed (I am sure the move did not help)or tortured.

Will there be a happy ever after for us. Still not sure. I am just not happy the way I was with him before this happened. I am married, but feel like 25% of me is checked out of the M and always will be.

Thank-you all for sharing. It is comforting (though sad for your pain too)to know that I am not alone at this stage of R. Thank-you for your support (especially Blakesteele) and Blobette for the laughs. For the rest of you... I love having someone to relate to in my situation on similar Ddays.