My husband is doing everything right, but I just can't seem to let it go. The last two weeks have been replaced by disgust. I love him, but can't stand to be near him. His behavior during the A and the month after the A disgusts me. His choice of AP disgusts me. Confiding in the AP best friend disgusts me. The AP disgusts me. I see my husband as weak, needy, and repulsive. I can't believe I married someone so selfish. Right now, I feel like this man is not worth it. Not worth me and my loyalty/commitment. Not worth my love.
He sure as hell didn't care.
He stopped the A because his feelings for the AP were getting intense. (even though he now says it wasn't her, it was the escape- could have fooled me and did) So, now you want to say it had nothing to do with her? There was nothing special about the AP that you wanted to have an emotional connection with and risk your family and M for?
What the hell? Do these WS really understand what they did? How devastating it feels? Now, they realize how stupid they were. It was the biggest mistake. They are so sorry.
Sorry just isn't good enough. I feel like nothing short of bad mouthing the homewrecker and her BF to everyone and in front of me to them is the only thing to make me feel better by him. (yeah) never happen. He had no trouble bad mouthing me without a second thought to her BF.
This is ruining everything and I can't seem to shake it. I feel like this is the end. It is almost a year and I just can't let it go or forgive the betrayal. I feel like I can't live in a M without what he gave away to this fake red-headed AP cashier that was 10yrs younger than me. (I know-so cliché) I want to leave. I want to spit on her and her bf.
I really don't want to leave. I look at our wedding pictures now and cry hysterically over what we had, what we lost, over how happy I once was. Now-I feel changed. Now, I feel bitter. Nothing of the person I was a month ago.
I don't want to give up after 11 months of this hell. Is this normal. I can be happy without him, I just am not sure I can ever be truly happy with him.
[This message edited by hopefulmother at 10:40 PM, June 28th (Friday)]
Do I sound angry still? Gee...
I was a wreck during the first 'antiversary' of those dates. I kept feeling worse until D-Day itself, after which my pain level dropped precipitously.
I think a lot of BSes who deal with short-mid-length As go through hell for a few years during the period of the A. You're not alone, and you're not going crazy.
This is just another way an A is a gift that keeps on giving.
I thought we were normal people. We do not do drugs or party. That is why it was just so crazy that he did something like this with someone like her. When I asked about her he would tell me how sweet and wonderful she was. I asked if there was anything that he didn't like about her and the only thing he could come up with was that she cussed too much.
Anyway, I did get him to go to a friend’s house and apologize to me in front of them. This was very helpful to me since he would "hook up" with the ow at this friends house. I am still a wreck. The biggest problems are trusting him, knowing he will not do it again, and respecting him after knowing the evil that he is capable of perpetrating. I think talking about it in front of others helps in the same way that it helps someone who is quitting smoking. It is like a support system. If others know the cat is out of the bag and he has promised not to do it again they are less likely to mind their own business so to speak. It is harder for him to lie to friends about the state of your marriage and keep them as allies if you go to them as a united front.
I know I am not much help, but know you are not alone. Others may not agree, but I think that his apologizing to you in front of any friends who were already dragged into the situation would be helpful for you. It was helpful for me.
I have done a lot if reading, counseling, and praying on this trauma.
My two cents....
WS don't do this to "us". It is challenging to think about and accept this fact. No doubt BS's get hurt badly due to the affair....but don't think many WS start out with the intention to hurt their spouse. Chemicals released inside their bodies influence them...the excitement of someone new....the noticeable lack of everyday stress with the secret relationship...all add up to a very altered state of mind for WS. What was done to BS was lied to....and somewhere during the A life cycle that changed from a decision made in ignorance (WS did not initially see the harm that it was) to one made with much knowledge (by this time their mental state was so affected by the selfish desires that they are willing to risk it all...thinking thoughts like "so this is what I have been missing". And "I have married the wrong person...and my married AP ALSO married the wrong person". "If this is so bad...why does it feel so right?.....I am sure the list is endless).
I am not justifying WS's decision...just trying to gather info regarding what influences are at play.
Add to that the fact that WS's feel guilty about their actions causing them to self justify to protect their selves ("we are just friends". "We haven't had sex yet". "My spouse and I still have sex". "This isn't hurting my marriage")...their redirecting time and energy away from their marriage...it all adds up to a very surreal state of mind for the WS. BS simply can not compete in the WS mind during and immediately following the A. To that end I did done really pathetic actions immediately following my DD.
Now...where are we 10-12 months out? Both WS and BS are running on fumes. We have depleted our love accounts in each other. WS realize the mistakes they made and are trying to change...put up boundaries...heal from hurts (deal with lingering feelings for AP....deal with looking across the table at their spouse and seeing the hurt in their eyes). BS dealing with the pain and trauma, trying to forgive, looking at other people and thinking it would be easier to start with someone else "fresh", realizing they still love their fWS, but the voice in their head telling them to protect themselves.
It is a tangled mess.
This is serious trauma for the BS. It is difficult for the WS but I would not call it trauma. At times I wish it were trauma for my fWW...but then I really don't want someone I love to hurt any more then they have to.
Why differing levels if pain? WS had all the power, they did not get rejected, and they had love deposits made by their AP more recently then BS (not healthy i know but a comforting affect is still enjoyed by the WS)...WS stop depositing into BS accounts during their affair period as they lacked the desire to do so.
I am trying to refrain from adding pain and suffering to this...but I stumble. Our FWS's will stumble too. Patience is key. Also realize if one of you is hurting, both of you are hurting...this is no game, no competition. I think if my wife and I can really get here we will be ok.
I take much stock in how I have changed...both my patterns and habits AND how I feel. It gives me hope.
If you can...when you reach a breaking point...try to withstand it just a bit longer. It is hard but will be worth it. Try and seek ways to make love deposits when you can...and when you can't try not to make large withdrawals.
Again, I get what this post speaks to. Thank you for starting it.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:23 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]
oh, yeah...like your husband..he is so sorry and doing all he can to save the m...but i too am often times disgusted with the weak man he is. he is nothing special anymore...and i go back and forth every day on what my next move will be.
i do think this is normal.
That week went downhill real fast. I nearly gave up. Did a whole hell of a lot of crying and pulling away (silent treatment).
I still feel the same way about my spouse. The disgust, the loss of respect. If I had met him now-I would never have dated much less married him. Do I dare say that the kids are the reason why I stayed. In addition to remembering the way I felt about him before the A started. Though I am not as stressed (I am sure the move did not help)or tortured.
Will there be a happy ever after for us. Still not sure. I am just not happy the way I was with him before this happened. I am married, but feel like 25% of me is checked out of the M and always will be.
Thank-you all for sharing. It is comforting (though sad for your pain too)to know that I am not alone at this stage of R. Thank-you for your support (especially Blakesteele) and Blobette for the laughs. For the rest of you... I love having someone to relate to in my situation on similar Ddays.