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hpv for my birthday; did he cheat?

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hpv50 posted 6/28/2013 22:45 PM

Just got diagnosed with high risk hpv after 21 years of marriage. My Dr (and studies) say the chance it was in remission for that long is 3%. My H swears he's in the 3%, but...

My kids and I were overseas without H for 6 months last year. H has acted distant from us and took off his band this spring; also forgot my 50 th birthday. Also acted really shocked/guilty when I surprised him in his office after hours a few weeks ago, and he had a coworker leaning in his body space. He swears he looked shocked only because he knew it looked bad.

All this sucks, but doesnt mean he necessarily cheated. I am going crazy trying to decide whether to go through all his records, but he's a former auditor, so if he wanted to hide an A he could. IC says I'm going through PTSD symptoms. H is mainly defensive and not supportive. This limbo really stinks. Has anyone else found out about an A this way?

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/28/2013 23:03 PM

There are so many red flags.

(BTW, Welcome to SI- The best place you never wanted to be.)

The knowing it looked bad really isn't sitting well with me. Also, the being distant and taking off his band- and suddenly, shockingly, you are diagnosed with HPV.

The best advice I can give you is to stop talking to him about this stuff because it will allow him to get ahead of you and talk to us and we'll help you figure this out.

Just curious: was the co-worker much younger??

ETA (Edited to Add): I ask the age question because of the higher incidence of HPV in younger people.

My H got HPV from his A (with a 19 year old). Somehow, I didn't. He had a combination of high and low-risk HPV. He was one of the 1% who actually got cancer from it. He's OK now, though.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 12:16 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]

fallingquickly posted 6/28/2013 23:55 PM

I found out the same way. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how incredibly painful it is. I found out three months before our 25th wedding anniversary.

I wish I had kept the diagnosis to myself and investigated instead of confronting. My WH came up with a lie. It took me over a year until I found out the truth. 3 ONSs, a LTA, and an occasional sex partner/ frequent sexter who was juggling several men. All without protection.

As ThoughtIKnewYa said, pretend to accept his story then rely on some guidance here to help you find out what he is doing. There are ways, especially once he is comfortable that you accept his explanation.


ETA: If by some very off chance he is one of the 3%, great. If not, you need to find out. Also, please get checked for all STDs. Request herpes as it is not usually done unless there are symptoms. HPV and herpes can be contracted even if protection is worn.

[This message edited by fallingquickly at 11:58 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

Nature_Girl posted 6/29/2013 00:06 AM

Welcome. I'm sorry you're here, though. What a shock for you to find something out like this.

Usually if it walks like a cheating duck, and quacks like a cheating duck, it's a cheating duck. Of course those of us who aren't cheaters want to come up with every possible explanation that means our spouse didn't cheat. Who wants to accept, or even seriously consider, that they've been cheated on?

It hurts to have the rose-colored glasses yanked off our faces.

I agree with the advice that you do some detective work. I bet that it will feel dishonest for you to keep this information to yourself for the moment. That's because you're not a cheater. You're honest. If your husband has nothing to hide you'll find nothing. So far you have a ton of red flags waving in your face. Please prepre yourself to find out more information that won't make you happy.

avicarswife posted 6/29/2013 00:59 AM

I am sorry. I would think the odds are that he did.

There are some red flags waving!

Have you thought about asking him to take a poly?

I would think if he is in the 3% he will be keen to prove it.

If he comes up with the usual excuses

"they are unreliable"
"I won't risk my marriage with one"
"That would be embarrassing and demeaning"

I would say you have your answer.

Do you have access to his text messages and phone records?

kansas1968 posted 6/29/2013 01:44 AM

I agree with the crowd. He probably cheated. You need to know for sure, so do whatever it takes to find out. Once you find out, then you will get a lot of advice on how to proceed. So sorry you have to be on this site, but if he cheated, this is the best place that you can be. You can avoid so many mistakes that some of us made because we didn't know what to do when we found out. Hugs, but FIND OUT!! K

Dare2Trust posted 6/29/2013 01:57 AM

I'm so sorry.

He might be in the 3%....doubt it seriously.

BUT what does THAT have to do with:
--forgetting a big birthday like your 50th?
---acting shocked/guilty when you show up after hours at his work...and some co-worker is there (AFTER HOURS) all in his body space???
---Why was he acting distant overseas? Does he give you a reason?
---What's with taking off his wedding band? Does he give a reason?

Again: even if it's the 3% thing...why isn't he supportive about you being sick?

But, overall:
I'd say he's a cheating, liar who doesn't give a FLIP he's infected you with a very dangerous STD. What an ass-wipe!

hard_yards posted 6/29/2013 06:11 AM

Oh my word, honey I'm so sorry you have reason to seek us out. You will find incredible support here, 24/7.

If you were to take the diagnosis of HPV out of the equation, there are still many indications of something going on. Again, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

His actions are making your gut instincts react, and as almost everyone here will attest to, your gut is almost never wrong.

Often the WS will think they are so darn smart that they'll never get caught, but honestly, there's generally something somewhere that will give him away, something that he thought would slip by, go un-noticed.

Go into PI mode honey, check phone bills, credit card statements, jacket pockets.... etc, check his phone and emails, if you have the strength to do it, wait outside his work and watch... or get a trusted friend to do it for you.

Knowledge is power, but not knowing will drive you nuts.

Right now he's hoping that staying on the defensive will put you off his trail, keep you off balance, keep control of the situation. But that's not going to work for you.

Please keep posting, this site is worth gold. There's always someone around.

There's a monotonous sameness to the way these things play out, lean on those here that have walked this path ahead of you, and almost always someone around who has dealt with the same issues.

Please take care of yourself, make sure you eat, sleep and drink plenty of water, your IC is right, PTSD is fairly standard around here, you're in shock. Hugs honey, lots of hugs.

crisp posted 6/29/2013 06:25 AM

Liars lie. You KNOW how you got infected.

2yrs+recovering posted 6/29/2013 06:59 AM

I had red flags for years. I confronted him many times and as others will tell you here, I was gaslighted and told I was crazy and overly suspisious. Read my profile. I wish I had just some of the advice here and my crazy ideas would not have almost put me over the edge.

Anyway, you have our support, gather evidence, stealth mode.

Most waywards will deny, deny and deny more until you have proof. Phone records, that's how I caught mine.

wanttogoforward posted 6/29/2013 07:51 AM

Please listen to the advice of those here.... you are in deep denial, which isn't good for you right now... we have all been where you are and don't want to believe the things we have seen and the red flags that were waving like crazy in front of our faces... we are here to support you.
Begin the investigation... phone records, pockets, vehicles, every area of the house, etc... if he is cheating you will likely find other things that don't add up... VAR asap.... A liar will continue to lie and hope you will believe him....

As a woman married (and faithful) for more than 20 years if I were diagnosed with HPV- or any other STD type of disease- I would know it didn't come from ME doing anything wrong!

BTW... I would ask a few more questions to my gyno and do more research.... did the gyno ever test you before for HPV?

hpv50 posted 6/29/2013 07:57 AM

Thanks so much for responding - I really appreciate it. I think this is the first time I've ever posted anything online...

Here are some more details, and a bit of a timeline. Our two girls and I were overseas from 1/1/2012 - 6/30/2012. H couldnt go due to work constraints. H visited us 5 different times for about a week each. We had been drifting due to both working too much for around 5 years or so. But we still got along decently.

While overseas, we would talk around once weekly through Skype, and email about twice weekly. Not enough, I now realize, but in all of our defense, there was a 7 hour time zone difference, and H couldn't Skype at work. When we saw him on his visits, it felt somewhat awkward, but generally ok. I guess it's not surprising to feel that way when you've rarely been apart that much before.

Upon return, we fought a bit for the first couple weeks, which we both attributed to readjusting. I hurt my back overseas, and it flaired up in August, and H was actually very nice about it. I felt at that point we had reconnected well. Since fall things were back to normal, with both he and I working too much. We each usually work OT a couple evenings each week. But it seemed that my H was too distant from our family, spending his free time working in the garage or surfing. If the kids had activities, I took them unless there was a conflict. I thought he'd been too used to being on his own, and we talked about his lack of engagement. But he'd also started ADHD meds right before we left for overseas, and I've often wondered whether it's made him overly focused on work and garage projects. He seems to get irritated if he's interrupted from the days task.

He took his band off last Feb when he hurt his finger in the garage (I saw the gash); that part didn't bother me,it's the part where he left it off for another 2 months after it healed. Again I his defense, tha band has always bothered him because he'd cut that finger off and had it sewn back on at 18, so it's got scar tissue. But he knows it means a lot to me to wear it.

He's been flakey about my birthdays and mothers day for the last ten years, but rally thought he'd get my 50th right. In his defense, it was on Easter, which makes it tricky, but I'd asked several times way in advance to celebrate it the day before. Then th day beofre...nothing, he worked in the garage. And on my birthday...again nothing. I was upset and told him of my disappointment, but he didn't do anything until 3 days later when my youngest daughter (11) basically forced the issue.

Then on 4/22 I was diagnosed with hpv and stupidly, I now realize, took my ob's advice and told my H. He did act a little strange, but I attributed that to the surprise of it all. I was upset for around the first week and a half, and at first he tried to assert that maybe I'd cheated, but after awhile, convinced him that if I'd wanted to cheat and hide it, all I'd have to do is say nothing and he'd never know. Plus I was freaking out, and that's tough to fake. He tried to be supportive, but mostly seemed irritated.

On 5/9 I surprised him at his office, which is at my girls' church/school. He was expecting us to call him to meet outside following a school function. We were all going to dinner to celebrate my work accomplishment, but we were early. He didn't respond to two texts, so my girls buzzed us in. It's important to note that I literally NEVER go into his office, he always comes outside. When I walked in, he was sitting at his desk, pointing at the monitor. She was in back of him, left hand on the back of his chair, leaning over him, also pointing at the monitor. The whole scene just seemed way too comfortable to suit me, but it also could have been innocuous, except...the look on his face when he turned around. First shock, then guilt. The coworker immediately approached me (I had no idea who she was) and congratulated me on my promotion. She mentioned her husband was also in the same business as me, but that she and my H joked that her husband was really a priest because his major had been theology. She addressed my 15 year old daughter and noted how much she'd grown. Then she left. My daughter turned to me and whispered "who IS that, and why does she know so much about us?" All the alarm bells were going off.

My H was pretty much monosyllabic the whole time, and wouldn't look me in the eyes. His normal m.o. Is outgoing, and would normally stand up and introduce me to someone I didnt know. We drove to dinner, and throughout the whole meal, H hardly met my eyes. I got the call about my hpv colposcopy results during dinner (could this get any more dramatic), and found out I wasn't precancerous. I lost it at that point and walked out of the restaurant. H followed and swore that nothing was going on. I asked if he had her cell phone number, and he pulled it up, handed me the phone, and told me to call her. I didn't; it didn't seem right. The weird thing about this whole scene was it was the first time he didn't seem angry at my reaction.

So there you have it. We've tried two MCs, who sucked, and today we try our third. I started IC two weeks ago, and go twice weekly. She's trying to help me with the depression I've experienced since then. she says I should figure he cheated at least twice, once while I was overseas, and once with this coworker (the latter has only started in her new job, in office next to my husbands, since last dec).

H and I have only discussed the big surprise visit three times since then. He said I could ask whatever I want, but then seems annoyed. Each conversation was maybe for 15 minutes. He swears he didn't cheat with her, and also volunteered that he no longer talks anything but business with her. He also says that she is "naturally outgoing, like me" and that I'm mistaking that for something more.

Some days he's happy and engaged with me, other days pretty much freezes me out. He says he's overwhelmed by work and us. Not surprising, since post hpv I'm going crazy trying to be a better wife. And...he lets me. Doesn't do much in return.

So there you have it. H is too smart to leave a cell phone trail. He has a separate work landline and work credit card, so if he wanted to hide an A, he could.

I don't know what to do...

hpv50 posted 6/29/2013 07:59 AM

Also forgot to mention that he offered to take a poly. He wouldn't do that if he was lying, would he?

hpv50 posted 6/29/2013 08:13 AM

Sorry that I keep forgetting things and reposting...also forgot to mention that I'm also a former auditor. So if I really need to audit him, I know just seems so untrustworthy. I'm normally very trusting. I think not knowing for sure is worse than knowing and starting to deal with the real underlying problems. Or maybe I'm deluding myself. I'm also still hopeful he's telling the truth...

hpv50 posted 6/29/2013 08:15 AM

Coworker is 5 years younger, and H is pseudo-training her because "she really doesn't know how to do her job". But it's not really his responsibility to train her...also coworker is married with two kids.

confused615 posted 6/29/2013 08:32 AM

Yes..he would offer to take the poly if he is guilty..he doesn't think you will follow through.

Do it. Set up an appointment. I bet he suddenly gets angry,telling you it's ridiculous,how could you not trust him,blah,blah,blah. Follow though.

You might get a parking lot confession before the appointment..he will tell you *something* and swear you know everything...hoping you won't follow through. Do it anyway.

Put a VAR(voice activated recorder) in his car. Check his cell phone records online. Put a keylogger on the computer(dont do this if he has a work issued computer..but if there is one at home he uses,do it). And don't tell him about any of this.

I bet you get proof within 24 hours.

k94ever posted 6/29/2013 09:06 AM

I'm sorry, but your spouse is showing all the classic signs of being in the middle of an affair.

Please listen to the advise you receive here. Read the articles in our Healing Library.

{{{hugs}}} You've just acquired over 30,000 new family members who will catch you as you fall and help you get back on your feet.


Lucky2HaveMe posted 6/29/2013 09:09 AM

My H's AP had a hysterectomy due to cervical cancer caused by HPV.

When I had my std testing done, I let my Dr know this. At that time she said if I were HPV positive they can tell if the strain is a sexually transmitted one. There are several different strains of HPV.

Did you Dr say this was a sexually transmitted strain? If they didn't say anything, ask. It won't answer all your questions, but might put your mind at ease a bit.

crazycatlady posted 6/29/2013 09:22 AM

As for the hpv, I'm 97% sure he had an affair.
Other info makes me 100% sure. Always trust your gut, and your daughters gut. The gut never lies.

solus sto posted 6/29/2013 09:41 AM

I'm so very sorry.

Is it possible you harbored the virus, dormant, during your lengthy monogamous relationship?


The odds are very, very small.

The fact that you have other red flags renders it even smaller.

I am so terribly sorry you found out this way. I, too, found out about my husband's infidelity via STD; he gaslighted me, and I chose to believe him. It bought me SO much more pain.

I understand the impulse to trust, to believe. It's part of human nature.

But it can be detrimental. Keep your eyes open, and really assess the situation, clearly.

You may never be given the truth; I was not. If your husband is not telling the truth, he may continue to not tell the truth.

So it's up to you to assess the situation.

It took me a long time to wrap my mind around the fact that I had been given a disease that produced fairly serious illness. It took me longer to accept that it was an STD, and that my husband had chosen not only to lie to me, but to actively work to convince me that I had contracted it before him, or from a patient, or in any way other than the way I actually did contract it.

It is a bitter pill to swallow, that our spouses value their secrets and lies more than they value us.

Millions of hugs to you.


Not surprising, since post hpv I'm going crazy trying to be a better wife.
Stop this. Really, stop it. It fuels your husband's denial, and will take you bad places. He will turn this against you..."Why were you so intent on being a better wife after your diagnosis? You must have gotten it by cheating!"

And yes---many, many liars offer polygraphs. PRECISELY because their spouses then say, "He wouldn't offer that if he were LYING, would he?"

My husband was one of them.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:49 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]

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