I don't have a life. Its make believe. I make believe that I am moving forward, I make believe that I am strong enough for what comes, I make believe that I don't still love him. I make believe I am happy working things out.
I will never have another partner in life, because I will never get over this pain. I am the one broken.
My life sucks, and I am tired of pretending it doesn't.
They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen
I think this is what depression looks like. I hope you will talk to a counselor or your doctor soon. You're not alone, but your pain is preventing you from seeing that & changing your reality. I'm so sorry.
So sorry for what you are going through. It does sound like you may be suffering from depression. Is there any way you can talk to an IC about your struggles?
I'm going to recommend a book that is a bit outside the box:
The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche
When things just aren't working, it's time to rethink your approach to life. Often we forget that hidden between all the suffering is a world filled with much joy and beauty. Sadly, our pain obscures this, but nonetheless, it is still there. You just have to seek it out.
Sending best wishes that tomorrow will be a better day.
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
We all go through phases of feeling like this but if you start thinking of self harm or removing yourself from the world you need to start seeing it as a big red flag.
I am the one broken.
No one can break you. They can break your heart but they can't break you. We do that ourselves.
There's a line from a Rhianna song (I hate the rest of it as it is completely co-dependant):
"Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving."
That is exactly how I felt. I needed to be saved from that toxic M. His broken-ness released me when I myself did not have the strength or courage to do it. I simply could not leave. I don't understand why. That is my broken-ness and I'm trying to work through it.
((Must Survive)) Fake it till you make it is about biding time whilst you build your resolve, rebuild your strength and detach yourself from that which you've worked so hard and for so long to attach yourself to.
You cannot do this on your own if you have depression. Its not a willpower thing, its a chemical balance thing.
Please, please go and talk to your GP. Everyone I've ever met who has reached out has only one regret - that they didn't do it sooner.
I echo the above. As well as IC have you thought about maybe taking anti-depressants? They have helped me immensely through this tough time. I'm on the lowest dose. Maybe they might help just until you can start to feel better.
You are a strong person and its ok to admit that you are not coping. Don't be afraid to lean on your friends and keep posting.
Sending strength and light.
Me: BS, 35 years
Him: xWS, 34 years
Together 8.5 years
DS: 3 years
DD: 14 months
DDay: 27 Jan 2013
S: 20 Feb 2013
"And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."
- Sarah McMane
In terms of your still loving him, I choose to believe I still love who I THOUGHT my xWW was. I don't love the person who metaphorically shot me and left me for dead. If you still love who he has proven himself to be, your situation may be different, or your feelings may be different than mine.
Another thing. Your kids need you. They love you. They need to know that you are always there for them.
Next, I do want to validate your feelings of pain. I understand. You have been shocked to your core and hurt very badly. Although you must survive it (as your name says) it is almost more than you can take. Almost.
There is something you can do. Please take the good advice you've been given here, advice you wisely reached out for.
Therapy, ASAP. Appropriate meds.
Here's a hug for you. You are worth a damn. I care, and so does everyone else who,took time to write to you.
Your title asks if this is what a nervous breakdown looks like.
I'm no expert but I say yes to getting help with it.
You're so worth it.
Listen, I was your age when my shit went down. This year I turn 60 and I'm beginning to get back in touch with the woman I used to be and SHE'S AWESOME!
Stop focussing on your life without a partner in it. You are your own best partner as long as you value yourself.
Big hugs. None of this is easy or fun but you will get through it. We've got your back.
We (SI) care about you so much!! Your post touched me because I know what its like to feel like you're not worth anything. I suffer from Depression, maybe you do too? It sounds like it.
(( Lots of hugs))
Please look into getting AD's, they will make a huge difference.
I think its like a snowball effect. I am coming up on the first anniversary of my daughter's death. Tuesday I get an email from her email account (spam), but of course it has her name as a signature. Wednesday I have a tech guy at my home installing the Windows 8 (I could do it, but it would take longer and I would go grey). He asks if I want to save my Itunes, I say yes, but I can't remember my password can I look at it. Its not my Itunes account, it is my daughter's. I didn't even know it was on there. Thursday at boot camp there is a new girl, young about 20-21, her name is the same as my daughter's. About 15 minutes into boot camp she goes into convulsions and seizures. Eyes rolling in the back of her head, turning purple etc. Visual of my daughter dying(only she was alone). And then yesterday in my neighborhood out pulls a car exactly like my daughter's. Same color etc. Its a car I don't think they even make anymore. And of course I don't want to talk to my kids too much about her, they are all still in as much pain as I am. My daughter's father and I are on very good terms, but he lives with someone (who I like) and I don't want to cross boundaries and be the over bearing ex-wife.
So I guess last night I ended up having a pity party because I really would like someone in my life who I can talk to about this. And if I am honest, I doubt my STBXH has the emotional depth to actually understand any of this.
T/j The past week with everything going on, I have wondered if I need to find someone (if there is such a thing) who is a spiritualist to tell me if these are signs or just random events.
And what I also wonder is if I continue to dwell more on the STBXH and his A, it means there is less space in my brain to dwell on the loss of my daughter, and the my dad who is dying of lung/bone cancer(2-3 months left). Or of my mom, who has had a stroke, and is falling down in parking lots! (just found out from my sister). Been arguing with the both of them that they need someone to come in and help them. But noooooo. Anyway thats another post.
I know things will get better, everyone tells me so.
I am coming up on the first anniversary of my daughter's death.
You ARE worth something, even if your STBXH can't see that. You are. You are precious, you are loved by your parents and your son, even if they don't tell you everyday, or can't express it right now. I'm so sorry about losing your daughter a year ago.
Can you go back to whomever prescribed your AD's and perhaps see if you need to get back on them? Are you in IC at all? This is a hard time right now and you might need some extra support. Wish I was there to give you a big hug.