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Newest Member: Itali614 (61544)

User Topic: advice on having "the talk" with the kids
♀ 34525
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tonight we talked about telling the kids. I asked what we should tell them about the possiblity of us getting back together. He said we should tell them that we are going to try.

I want to ask him if he has made an appt with a CSAT, but I don't want to appear that I want him back. If he has not made the appt, then I can say that there is no chance of us getting back together and spare the kids the heartache of it being a possibility.

I think he is being P/A; he is saying that he will do anything to save our M, but he will not do what I ask and just won't discuss it so I can be the bad guy who has to say I am ending our M and there is no chance for R. Arggghhhh! Thoughts/suggestions?

BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
♀ 19772
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the current situation?

If y'all are living together as a family, but there's all this weird tension - I suppose I would want to address that in a very general - 'mommy and daddy are working on things' way (like if it's affecting the children, don't know how old they are).

Is someone sleeping outside parental bedroom? That needs to be addressed; nothing adult-y, but acknowledge it I guess, depending on age? Kids realize someone's sleeping the guest room, ya know?

Is someone moving out? That's biggie and y'all need to be united & upfront with that. Mom or Dad is moving out. (Then all go together to new place, hard as it can be).

H says he wants to tell kids things might work out...but he's not really doing anything? Sounds like easy way out. You don't have to be blunt/cruel, but don't give the kids false hope either.

Posts: 15028 | Registered: Jun 2008
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO I wouldn't drag my kids into this.

Please have an IC help you with this discussion. Do not let your X drive this bus. Do not use your kids as a vehicle to wake him up. It didn't work when he was having his As, it sure as shit won't work now.

Your children are small. Mine are too.

Until you know where your head is at I wouldn't bring them into this. They don't need to know. If major change happens like he is moving out you can have that discussion then. Again, get help from a professional for this. You are likely not in the right head space to be having this discussion.

You don't have a real chance of R. He is still blameshifting, rugsweeping and gaslighting the fuck out of you. Even if he did start doing the bare minimum for R I would not even attempt it until you are much further down the line.

Telling your kids there is a chance will confuse the hell out of them. Its sole purpose is to assuage his guilt. To keep you on the hook.

What they need is for you to be OK. Work out what will make you OK and start doing it. Like yesterday.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6008 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 3

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