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Loving enough vs. being selfish and leap of faith

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Flatlined123 posted 6/29/2013 05:30 AM

H and I were talking last night and I said I was thinking about how I've decided I just need to trust him. I had a flash of realization the day before when I saw a truck that is the same as his drive past my work during the time he should have been at work. (Small town, not too many trucks like his in it).

My immediate thought was, what's he doing in town? Then I knew it wasn't him. BUT I called him at work of the pretense of telling him something else just to check. The thing is IN MY GUT I KNEW HE WAS AT WORK.

Anyway, I confessed this to him last night and told him I've decided I'm just going to trust him to love me enough to not hurt me again. It's been almost 4 years and he's worked hard at changing himself, finding his "why", and doing all he can to make things better for us.

He was speechless for a moment and said that he hates that word "enough". He said that through the affair he never stopped loving me. It was all about him being selfish. Wanting out of the responsibility, having the fantasy of being carefree and young again. It wasn't because he was dissatisfied with me and loved me through it all. He also asked me why I would think that he wasn't at work. I told him, when you've been lied to as much as I was to by him, you're first instinct is to think he's lying again. Even though I have nothing to base it on now, its not an easy memory to shake.

So I rephrased it, "loving someone is putting their feelings and well being first. I'm going to trust that you won't hurt me that way again because you love me and want our M to work."

But, this really threw me. I mean we all know that the actions towards us by our WS during the affair were not loving. That was one thing I commented on before I found out, I couldn't seem to do ANYTHING right or good enough for H. Thinking back now, he never criticized about my parenting, cooking or anything else. It was just an attack against me. H says it's because he was so mad at himself. He was shitty to OW too.

Anyway, back to me telling him I decided I just need to trust him...I'm not sure why I even called him at work. It's just habit to think what I did. I KNEW he was there and he was.

I'm going to try this idea on and put it to use and see how I do with it. I think I'll be happier in the long run.

[This message edited by Flatlined123 at 5:52 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]

boontje posted 6/29/2013 08:48 AM

Taking that leap of faith and trusting again is scary after such a huge betrayal, and you are right, it is a choice we have to be ready and willing to make. Sounds like you are in a good place right now, and that he is doing all the right things to earn your trust. ((flatlined)))

Ladyogilvy posted 6/29/2013 11:13 AM

I'm nowhere near where you are now. WH has not come close to earning my trust. I am so damaged that I can't imagine ever fully trusting again. I think, even though your gut is telling you he is where he should be, it's still better to call and have it confirmed than to allow doubts to build up. But... I'm really happy for you to have gotten to the place you are, regardless of whether of not you still need to trust but verify. I hope I can get there someday.

Flatlined123 posted 6/29/2013 12:15 PM

I've been in the trust, but verify stage and think if i stay there, I'll never find trust. It's like saying my kid is potty trained, but you are setting the timer for them to go to the bathroom and if you forget, they pee their pants.

I know what a risk I'm opening myself up to. I KNOW how hard it hurts to be betrayed. All I can hope is that H also knows this and will always keep his boundaries firmly in place to protect me.

If not, I know I will be crushed, but will survive and he knows he won't have another chance.

So it's in his best interests, too, to protect us the way he should have to start out with.

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