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User Topic: Something I learned in IC caused me to cancel the date....
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So... I had a running date planned for today with a guy from my hash run. He seems sweet and everything... BUT.. he is a recovering alcoholic. I know the key word there is "recovering" but something I've learned about myself in a year and a half in IC is that I tend to be drawn to attract alcoholics. Piper's sperm donor is a binge drinking alcoholic... and I came from an alcoholic family (both of my parents.....even though my dad is more functional...and my mother is just like Piper's sperm donor )

So....my fear is that I will end up with another person with that problem....and even though they may be recovering.....that they will relapse. And, That is a huge deal breaker for me and one of the reasons I broke up with Piper's sperm donor (amongst various countless other issues!) My therapist told me that I need to learn to filter better and recognize the signs when I have bad moments in judgement.

Was it wrong of me to cancel even though he is recovering? Plus....I feel odd dating someone IN my running group. Its my social place and I don't want to make things weird if he and I don't work out. I've already gone on a date with another hasher.....and it didn't work and things are kinda strange.....but not bad I guess (we never even kissed).

I will admit I feel guilty....because I've kind-of condemned him before giving him a chance.... but I picture things going great for a while followed by a huge FALL. But, I know dating is all about taking chances. And, I know "what ifs" will drive you mad.... I'm just trying to make better decisions based on the information that I have now. I just kept hearing my IC therapist telling me that I need to date guys closer to my education level (he doesn't have a degree at all...he is a massage therapist....I have a masters) and her telling me that I need to avoid guys with drinking problems...(he doesn't have one ANYMORE) UGH..... I feel so confused.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:07 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
newlysingle
♀ 38735
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also dated an alcoholic years ago and had a father who was an alcoholic. I would not date a recovering alcoholic either. I of course applaud anyone who is in recovery and don't wish to pass judgement, but I know that my own behavior with an addict is not good. I'd be too afraid that I'd fall into co-dependent behavior if the person fell off the wagon. It's just not a health situation for me.


BW - Me (38)
XWH -The Gnat
OW - Hello Kitty the Whore Engaged to the Gnat. I hear the white trash, wedding bells as we speak.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (7), 1 DS (2)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 959 | Registered: Mar 2013
FaithFool
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was a flag for me but I didn't want to say anything since you weren't planning on marrying the guy right away.

It would be a non-starter for me, my ex was and is an addictive personality who managed to white-knuckle his way off booze and drugs. Trouble was it turned out the sex thing filled his void.

And the fact that he's in your social group where you go to have fun is another thing. If it goes sideways, that gets awkward.

What happened to the scientist guy?

[This message edited by FaithFool at 10:34 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17692 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't feel bad about him, you have to think about what is best for you and Piper. Good for you for thinking it through and listening to yourself. I need to learn to do that more myself.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4668 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Wink  Posted: 1:35 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys! I just breathed a HUGE sigh of relief hearing what you all had to say! I always value your opinions! I hated cancelling on him because I know he is a nice guy! I know he is! BUT... like you said... I am infamous for my co-dependent behavior and I do not want to fall back into my same cycle of picking the wrong kind of guy and ending right back where I was again! Plus, I have to be more choosey with who I date for my daughter's sake! Anyone that is a potential for a long-term relationship needs to be good for BOTH of us...and I have to think of all suitors in that fashion.

I know that some women will just date whoever and have the attitude of "Well, I'm not marrying the guy, so what does it matter!?" But, I am trying to go into dating with the frame of mind that I have a little girl to think about too. Of course I want to have fun and not have lots of pressure...but it still weighs on my mind and I just want to be smart this time go round. I'm in NO hurry so I'm taking my time. And, I will nip things in the bud with anyone immediately if I feel like "my gut" is telling me so. It hasn't steered me wrong.....I just chose to ignore it in the past!

I agree and definitely commend him for recovering and being alcohol free for over a year.... but from what I've heard from other people....his alcoholism it what caused his divorce and that scares me. Plus...I'm a social drinker. I can easily go out and have 1 or 2 drinks...stop and not drink again for a week or a month. And, it would be nice to be with someone that I could do that with or around without the fear that I will be pressuring them or putting them in a difficult situation. I would always feel guilty having a drink around him and I don't want to feel that way.

I just feel like this was the right decision for Piper and I and I feel good about it. Maybe all that IC work is actually WORKING!!!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
FaithFool
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it would be nice to be with someone that I could do that with or around without the fear that I will be pressuring them or putting them in a difficult situation.

This exactly ^^^. You'd be constantly walking on eggshells right off the bat.

The way I look at it, yeah, you're not marrying the guy BUT you ARE inviting that person *into your life* and that is something not to be taken lightly.

I'm super careful about who I invite into my life and (aside from one enormous blunder!) have never regretted it.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17692 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My feeling has nothing to do with him. don't date within your running group. This is your social group... it's already feeling weird with the other guy. Don't make this group any more weirder than it is.

JMHO.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5528 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
heartbroken_kk
♀ 22722
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorta what Kajem said. I think if your running group is HHH aren't most of the members drinkers anyway? I think your attraction to alcoholics may be showing up there. I might suggest you branch out and try to connect with another group for runs now and then (I'm not suggesting you stop going on hash runs). Perhaps that might give you a different pool to fish in?


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'm not a regular hasher! I maybe run with them once a month if that! Sometimes I will go several months without running with them. I just have a lot of friends within the group. I actually have a more formal running group that I race with and do training runs with every week. So, the hash group is just another running social circle that I have but its not the only one that I have.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly,
I am one of those people who plan for the worst and pray for the best.

Regarding your Hash running group.. it is already feeling weird with the other guy, why bother dating someone from this group? or What happens if you date someone for awhile and then break up... which one of you gives up the Hash running group? How do you make that determination? etc. I wasn't talking about his particular guy or this particular group. But since you have other groups and they most likely do not have as many friends of yours attached to them... why not date those groups and leave your hash group alone if it is more of a social group?


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5528 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, they are all social groups to me. I think it would be best to not date from any of the groups. My ex SO/baby's daddy is from my more formal running group and that was awkward for a long time but he separated himself from the group so it made things a lot easier on me!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm. I'm kind of a different mindset about dating from one's social group. Isn't that what we are supposed to do ? Don't we constantly give that advice to people here when they tire of OLD and say, "how can't I meet people IRL??" Don't we always say "volunteer, join a meet up group that does an activity you like". So this advice about not dating in your running groups seems a tad contradictory and disingenuous to me.

As for this particular guy, it's true the AA thing should give caution given your past experience and since you were already judging him negatively because of his educational background, it's ok to say, nah don't want to deal with it.

But going on individual running dates, when running is your fave activity and what you want to share with that new partner once you find them? I don't see what's wrong with that. After all, you aren't sleeping with them, it's just a run, to get to know them better ...

Shelly you seem to have your ducks in a row re: what you want from a partner, so I see no issue in shopping from your running groups as long as you're careful and judicious like you already appear to be. At most it might force the "no sex until we're exclusive rule" but other than that, I would think all your running groups and races would be the perfect place for you to find a guy who suits you, certainly more likely than OLD which as we all know is a crap shoot extraordinaire for partner-finding.

[This message edited by cayc at 7:46 AM, July 1st (Monday)]


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3150 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Topic Posts: 12

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