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HURTAGAIN1981 posted 6/29/2013 10:33 AM

I wanted to type this to get it out and get some advice/support/insight or anything at all.

We broke up back in April. The treatment from him was just appalling and I could no longer take anymore. Since then he had been in constant contact with me, saying he missed me, wanted me back, wanted to try again. At first he almost sucked me back in, but then I kept finding things out about him that I wasn't happy with. So eventually, I got in into my head that I was NEVER going to be able to return to him. When this happened, it helped a little and I knew I had to start trying to move on. However, I wasn't ready to cut off all contact with him. So I continued to talk to him. I could see the manipulation tactics he was using. I didn't tell him this but it was pretty funny in a way. In my mind I thought I would keep him hanging as payback for what he had done. Let him think that his trickery was working on me, when it wasn't.

I finally agreed to see him in person after about two months of this. It was more for my benefit to see how I felt about it all. TBH I was a little bored in his company. I realised that the feelings I thought I had were gone, or at least almost gone. It helped me in a way to see him.

I kept watching. Despite telling me how he wanted to try again, he was active on dating sites, I saw this by last online times. Still didn't add me to Facebook bla bla bla.

The last time I saw him was Wednesday. He asked me to go over and as I did, his mate turned up at the same time. I was not amused as he didn't tell me his mate was joining us.

I was BORED. At about 1:30am I put on my coat, got my bag and decided to leave. He begged me not to go so I stayed, but mainly because of the fact that I had had 2 drinks and knew I would be over the limit to drive, but I was not drunk at all. His friend was staying over and slept in the living room and so I stayed in his room with him but not intending on doing anything with him at all! He tried it on and things got scary. He had hold of my leggings and underwear and tried pulling them off. I grabbed them and he kept trying to pull them down, very forcefully and it was hard to keep hold of them. I kept telling him no. He mocked what I had previously said, saying oooh we can't do this and we can't do that and said they're coming off anyway. I managed to pull them back up and push him off me. People here have said in the past that he sounds dangerous, I laughed it off at the time but now I really do think he is capable of it. It was as if he was one step away from rape.

After I got him off me, he was huffy and I ignored him and he ignored me.

We had words after that and he was still maintaining that he wanted to try again. He had no idea of all that I knew about him.

Last night I went out with some friends and I was shocked to see him out with his mate and two girls (same ones that left the sanitary towels at his place, which was one of the reasons we split in the first place).

He didn't see me or at least I don't think he did.

I had been drinking and got so angry with all that had been building up, all that I knew that I was keeping hidden and I went berserk.

I am going to post the conversation, if anyone wants to read it they can and I would love some feedback or insight.

Before I do, I have to point out that I am not a nasty or viscous person at all. But it is how I will come across in the messages. I was just so angry and please forgive the language.

Here goes...

After I spotted him with those whores I messaged him.

Me: You're a c**t, don't ever talk to me again

Him: ?

Me: I'm not blocking you and deleting your number. I'm in the same place and I saw you with those whores. Don't you dare try to contact me again

Him: Ah my friends :)

Me: F**k off sick f**k.

Bit of arguing about because I said about them staying at his place and he said they weren't and only his mate was.

Him: Delete and block me like you said. I'm a huge c**t

Me: Right ho, proved you were up to no good. And I've had a very in depth conversation with someone who knows you very well so you should hope I don't post it to everyone on your Facebook! Thank you for being a lying, cheating c**t all along. Even when we were official or at least your version of it you were still active on a dating site (I only found this out the other day) in January "wanting to learn naughty tricks". You accused me once by saying Christmas was a lie. Yes it was because of you. And no, your ex didn't cheat on you. Lying bastard. How do I know? Because I asked her. So yes Christmas was a huge fucking lie on your part when you felt the need to send her a gift and a card which I didn't get saying... and I quote "what he bought me was a box set of The wire... he sent a card too which said 'I remember you saying that you would have to pick this up one day. I'm so sorry about everything that I did and not making you feel special. You are the best person I have ever known xxxx'. So yes Christmas was a lie because of you and your lying ways! You are fucking disgusting! And don't for one minute think people don't know what you are like because they do! When I described the problems to her she said that she had the same shit with you. Explicit Facebook messages to whores from work. Makes sense considering tonight and also the fact that you were always trying to bed girls behind her back when you went out with mates. It was (his friends name) that warned her about that so don't you doubt that people don't know what you're like!

Him: Goodbye. I honestly felt like i was getting happy again when with you. I missed my ex alot, so much in fact and yes she DID cheat on me. You're foul going to that length and not even allowing me to forget my past by trying to move forward. You dug up my old past that I wanted to forget, its why I was VERY angry that you allowed Tom to ruin everything. I wanted us to move forward, I was with my friends tonight and just Rhys is staying with me. Im ashamed

Me: Yeah whatever. You're a liar

Him: Ashamed you went that far behind my back. I wanted to say a final goodbye to someone before moving on with my life. Goodbye. Maybe one day you'll forgive me and we can try. Right now im in a very dark place thank you

Me: We can try? Are you fucking crazy? I didn't go behind your back. You're a fucking liar. I have no clue how a person ends up the way you do. You're a compulsive liar, I think you're sick in the head. You had a good person in her, you fucked it, you had the same here and you fucked that too

Him: And on top of that that, denying you were with anyone and my existence. Hurt a lot. So it was all a lie. I know this now. You can fuck as many sluts as you like. It won't get you anywhere. You need to sort it out for you so that you don't pass up on the next decent person that crosses your path!

Him: Last person I slept with was my ex before you. You don't have to believe me and right now I don't blame you. And I wanted to rework things back together slowly, why im so angry about Tom situation too. All my faults and mistakes I tried to erase and make sure I could move forward fresh, sadly things haunt me. Im so very very sorry.

Me: And I'm that fucked off now that I am going to send the whole conversation to everyone on your Facebook. And I will also report you to every cheater site on the Internet, meaning that if someone searches for you, all the nasty into will show up. You're not sorry.

Him: :( Please Im trying to stop my past. And Yes I am sorry :-(

Him: I tried to forget everything and finally lay everything to rest. I was really happy when you stayed over and i didn't care if tom saw your car. You don't have to believe me at all, but i was really sad when Tom started on you. I wouldnt want you to come for food with my mum and dad nor would go to that little wedding if I didn't want to build things up. I have tried to bury my past. Please don't hurt me more :-(

Me: You have never understood. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. And if ever I think I have, I feel disgusted with myself. Even though some times, especially at times like this you really don't deserve the sympathy. I'm saying all this as facts, without emotion so take it for what it is. Don't you dare blame me for dragging up your past. I was so confused, I was going crazy. I couldn't work out what I did that was so wrong to deserve the treatment I got. It Made me wonder what I had done. So we talked. I told her what happened and she said that it pretty much summed you up and told me all she had to put up with... I'm completely
Disgusted tbh. I know you think I slept with Kristian behind your back. I can assure you I didn't. Ever since we started seeing each other now and then I cared about you. Always have. And I have no idea why but I always will. I hope one day I won't.

Him: You didn't deserve anything. Its why I was happy to start and try again and why Im confused and really upset that it had gone down the pan again :-(

Me: Really, referring to your message that you just sent, what are you confused about?

Him: Im saying i was really confused and angry that it just started getting really nice and tom thing happened. I was starting to get happy again and was really happy when you were here.

Me: That no longer has any bearing on anything. I shall tell you why. We have been getting into trying again for some time. Probably about 1.5 to 2 months. Well at least that Is what you have been saying you wanted. In that time, you were last online on your little dating site SUNDAY. This is AFTER we had been for the nice meal with your parents. And online on your other one 26 days ago. These are not the actions of someone who wants to try again.And now, after all this, we are done. I don't know why you behave the way you do. As hard as it is to find a decent person these days, I don't know why you would throw that away more than once. I can honestly say that I would never have hurt you in any way at all. I really hope for your sake that when you find someone decent again, you don't mess it up. I really do worry about this.

That's it. I am sorry it was so long! I felt liberated getting it all off my chest but now deflated.

Ashland13 posted 6/29/2013 10:54 AM

Hello,

I hope you will be able to maintain NC and "Crickets", which is a popular word on SI for silence with this.

I understand that you went to see this guy because you wanted to see if you have any feelings left, but my immediate reaction is that you were playing with fire and I'm sorry if that's harsh to say.

For me, this does not sound like a one-woman type of guy and life is way too short and important to be tolerant in any way of this stuff.

Also, there are the physical safety issues that you say are possible and from what you describe it seems there are...and there are horrible things like STD's that it seems people "forget" when partaking in various lifestyles.

I hope that you will be able to steer clear of this guy and group or people he keeps around and just...stay safe.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/29/2013 11:05 AM

What he did was assault and would have been rape if you hadn't been as physically assertive as you were. Too often, women end up accept being assaulted or even raped because they don't want to make a big deal out of it and want to feel in control of things even when they aren't. This guy is abusive. Stay away from him.

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 6/29/2013 11:06 AM

Thanks Ash.

It wasn't harsh to say. I did wonder if I was playing with fire myself but thought I had it under control. Obviously I didn't.

One thing I can now say is that I have to move on completely and have to ignore him if he tries to contact me again. I really don't think he will after this.

You're right when you say he really doesn't sound like a one woman man. I actually thought exactly the same thing to myself the other day.

doesitgetbetter posted 6/29/2013 11:07 AM

IMO, if you engage this guy anymore, he's going to rape you, torture you, and kill you slowly. Seriously, he's already tried to rape you, why on earth would you continue to have any sort of contact with this guy? Everytime you have any contact with him, you are putting yourself in harms way. Delete his number and block him, NOW!

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 6/29/2013 11:13 AM

Thank you all.

My friend said it was assault. Sexual assault. It feels weird because when it's someone you know, it doesn't seem like that. There was no way I was going to have sex with him and let him use me for that so I had to put up a good fight to stop it. I have to admit that it was scary. I think if I had been drunk, he would have been able to get away with it. Thank goodness I wasn't.

I don't plan to have anymore contact with him. I knew that one day I would have to get off my chest all I was keeping in and last night seemed like the right time for that so I did it. I knew that after doing so all bridges would be burned. I know it sounds stupid and ridiculous, but despite all he did to me, I haven't been able just to get over him that easily or switch my feelings off.

I hope now that I can.

confused615 posted 6/29/2013 11:20 AM

Honey..he tried to rape you.

Im going to ask something that might piss some people off. Please know that rape is the fault of the rapist...no one else. I firmly believe this. I have been raped. I was gang raped at 16..and my stepfather raped me the first time when I was 15..so i don't take rape lightly..duh..of course..I just dont want anyone..especially you..to take this the wrong way..

But...this man is sick..you know this..he is dangerous..why would you go to his house..why would you get in his bed? You need to be careful,and protect yourself..and that means not putting yourself in dangerous situations.

Please stay away from this disgusting piece of shit. The next time,you might not be able to fight him off.

Im worried about you. You have said you know he is sick..yet you continue to spend time alone with him.

It doesn't matter if HE contacts you again...you need to go NC with him. And STAY NC.

(((((HA1981))))

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 6/29/2013 11:30 AM

Thank you confused.

I certainly understand what you are saying and I didn't take it the wrong way.

I am very sorry to hear what you went through. I think part of it for me is thinking that technically, yes it would have been classed as trying to rape me. It just doesn't seem as bad when you know the person. I am not saying that it was the same for you because this is a person I had a relationship with, a stepdad isn't. I can't imagine what that would have been like for you at all and how awful it must have been.

I am not sure how to answer it. I do know he is sick and twisted. I just don't know. We had been talking and I think he was starting to get to me again. I just wanted to believe that maybe he could change eventually. I didn't want him out of my life for good and not being in contact or whatever made me miss him. It's a joke I know.

I know I have to move on and I will now.

[This message edited by HURTAGAIN1981 at 11:33 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 6/29/2013 12:01 PM

Well I was wrong. He just did.

'I am so sorry. You won't believe me but I really am'

confused615 posted 6/29/2013 12:07 PM

Block him on your phone,facebook,twitter,every thing.

Post here if you feel the urge to talk to him.

How is your mom doing?

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 6/29/2013 12:13 PM

I have blocked him on chat apps. We're not friends on Facebook but I can't stop texts coming to my phone. I have tried and the phone company can't either. I will ignore him.

She is doing ok thank you for asking. She is getting around a bit better now.

confused615 posted 6/29/2013 12:18 PM

Im glad she's improving.

Can you change your number?

hobbeskat posted 6/29/2013 12:35 PM

This guy is dangerous, manipulative and tried to rape you. PLEASE block him on EVERYTHING. For your safety!

LearningToFly posted 6/29/2013 14:13 PM

Please listen to the advice you have been given. He is dangerous and he has tried to rape you. He has shown he will hurt you if he gets the chance. He has contacted you again. I'm scared for you. Let the people in your life know what happened so they can help keep you safe. Don't go near him or talk about him to any of his friends. It sounds like he isn't going to go away without a fight. He knows that you know about his secrets and that puts the power in your hands. He is going to try to get that power back by acting nice to win you back. Its a cycle and it doesn't get better. He isn't going to change for you and if he does, you still don't want him because he won't be able to keep it up. Let him go and be safe.

tushnurse posted 6/29/2013 14:53 PM

I'm not sure why you keep going back and then posting here. Many of us told you when you last shared what this sick Fuck was doing to you and encouraged to run away don't look back.

He is sick. He is dangerous. He is unstable. He is manipulative. He does not and never did and never will care about you. Repeat this. Make it your mantra.

If you choose to have anything to do with him he will rape you. He will

tushnurse posted 6/29/2013 14:55 PM

I'm not sure why you keep going back and then posting here. Many of us told you when you last shared what this sick Fuck was doing to you and encouraged to run away don't look back.

He is sick. He is dangerous. He is unstable. He is manipulative. He does not and never did and never will care about you. Repeat this. Make it your mantra.

If you choose to have anything to do with him he will rape you. He will Eventually kill you.

Be done with him please take the advice we offered last time. Change your number close your FB . Disappear. Do NOT communicate with him in any way.

Nature_Girl posted 6/29/2013 14:58 PM

What he did qualifies for attempted rape, sexual assault, and so forth. Dosen't matter that you know him or not. In the old days when I was young we called it date rape. It's still rape.

Please do let everyone in your life who knows you & cares for you, tell them about this. You need support in real life.

fourever posted 6/29/2013 15:13 PM

Psychopath. Think Ted Bundy.

2x4 here...

Run, and Quit the drama, or you will surely be a statistic. You should be scared. Psychopaths are very good at their jobs, and it's frightening. Trust that we see what you do not right now, but you will.

Be sure you do tell someone what's going on. Be safe.

Pippy posted 6/29/2013 16:26 PM

And always carry enough money with you to take a cab home.

Some people are addicted to relationship drama. They enjoy the fighting and the making up because in their minds they think this proves love. It doesn't.

[This message edited by Pippy at 4:52 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]

momentintime posted 6/29/2013 16:40 PM

When you don't trust someone, you don't drink around them. If you are invited over and then a mate of his shows up..honey you leave. If you are done with him, don't text him how angry you are that you see him with other girls. You need to stop communicating with him, stop seeing him because you are bored and want to see what he is offering. You know what he is offering, nothing you value. Step away from the crazy. Move forward, not backwards.