It's not that I'm afraid of losing her as a friend, I was prepared to accept the loss of all our mutual friends, and she is the one who contacted me for help with some tasks. I did tell her that I haven't told her everything that went on between us, because I'm not sure if it is appropriate to just tell the whole business to everyone who knows us. My IC knows, my priest knows, and my sister-in-law knows because she has also been sort of a spiritual counselor to me. I also told his sister, which I kind of regret, but I thought after 6 years she also deserved to know the truth, and also that she would only be able to help him if she knew everything.
I also haven't told my own parents the whole truth, although I have also told them that there are things that I am not yet ready to discuss with them. And the only reason I haven't told them is because their own marriage is so shaky, and they are both very emotionally fragile. I do plan to tell them at some point, but I feel like at the moment it would just be heaping grief on them at a time when they can barely hold themselves together.
I will continue to pray that I will do the right thing but I'm sure others' experiences could be enlightening.
[This message edited by RockyMtn at 3:12 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]
As someone who, quite literally, needs privacy in order to R, I caution you not to say a thing. I have told WH that telling others could be a dealbreaker for me. I find R so incredibly taxing that involving other people could just be too much. The embarrassment, the explanations, ack. I wan't none of it.
Your BBF and you have split? But you're not sure that's permanent?
Did he give you any clue as to whether he has told anyone about the A? do you know how he responded to his sister and sister-in-law knowing? Did you clear those with him first?
You aren't lying if you just say, "At this time, it's private" if she or anyone else asks about it. Choosing to be private is not lying. Sounds like this is what you've done up until this point. I'd keep it up. Down the road, you can tell, if circumstances change. I don't know a decent friend who wouldn't understand avoiding a topic given the situation.
If your friend is getting help from you and you are currently being a decent, good person...then I wouldn't feel too guilty if she's being unduly sympathetic towards you. Just don't take advantage of it. Again, even if she wouldn't be if she knew the truth...I think she'd understand that you were keeping BBF in mind.
Guys are particularly ashamed by their partner's A's, especially at first before they've completely internalized the "It's not about me" lesson, which can take years. Expanding the circle of people Who Know just makes it worse. Doing without prior consent a likely dealbreaker.
In our case, my FWW had an A with a co-worker who promised "total discretion" and then proceeded to brag about his conquest all over the company, "You won't believe who I'm fucking..."
It got back me several different ways, and was really, really hard for me, especially since some of those people found out before I did. The only reason it wasn't a dealbreaker is that FWW hadn't been the one spreading the news.
Much later, after we'd processed most of this shit and were well R'd, we agreed that we could talk about it to close confidants.
I was shocked to discover that all 5 of my closest male friends had been cheated on by their spouses, but that's another story.
[This message edited by MoreWould at 3:52 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]
My confession came out as I was trying to leave him. I was going to just leave without telling him, figure it would protect him from the mistake I made, but basically I caught myself gaslighting him (without even having confessed) and felt it was only right to let him know that there was no other good reason for me to leave except that he had to know the truth. I was pretty sure he was going to propose at the end of the summer. I couldn't let him do that without knowing who I really was. Maybe it was wrong to tell him, I don't know, but he would say things like "I love everything about you" and I just knew in my heart that it was wrong to let him feel that way without knowing everything about me.
I didn't clear telling his sister, and I also didn't intend to tell her. I asked her to go see him the day after we broke up and she wanted to talk. She just kept grilling me and I caught myself gaslighting again and it just wasn't making sense to her. Every other excuse I came up with wasn't good enough, and she has always been such a bully to me that I caved in and confessed. I shoul dhave never even talked to her, and in that conversation I finally realized all the passive agressive bullying and bullshit stemmed from the fact that she thinks that she is his replacement mother (their mother passed away several years ago), and she never thought I was good enough for him. Well, that's their issue, and I guess I'm glad I know that now, but I am sorry that I told her. I don't think he would have told her that, but having been together 6 years she is like family and probably in a lot of ways also deserved to know because of her, though tainted with agression, generosity and hospitality towards me. I don't know if she has told any of his other family.
That was always one of the things that I struggled with in the relationship. Her upper class snobbery and self-righteous judgement, in the case of the A perfectly warranted, but for the 3 or so years before the A happened completely unwarranted. Our families did not mesh.
There are a lot of ways to treat someone badly, and A is certainly way worse than what she did, but although she thinks she is incapable of hurting someone like I hurt her brother, she always did her level best to make sure I knew I wasn't as good as they were. I guess I proved her right.