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So hard to leave, please help:(

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Pringle posted 6/29/2013 15:25 PM

Hi everyone
I am new to this forum, and I guess this is the best place to speak out without having the guilt of speaking to friends and family and tarnishing his reputation.
Well,I found out my fiance had had an affair about four months ago. This was 3 months before our wedding. Needless to say wedding was called off. It was with a woman from work. I snooped into his social chat networks and found the graphic details of what they had done together- i feel like that made it worse because I cannot get the images out of my head. Since then we tried to reconcile.Problem is I cannot get it out of my head no matter how many times he apologises. I love him so much and want my life with him but how do I trust him after this? A month after I found out I then found sexual messages being sent to a different female colleague. I tried to pack up and leave once I confronted him but again I broke down and stayed and tried to make it right. I manged to figure out his new passwords and started monitoring him without him knowing. I know that is wrong but it was my only way of checking up. He didnt flirt with anyone up until a few days ago when i found more flirtations messages to a woman that lives in another country. I am trying to pluck up the courage to leave but it is difficult to leave the man you love. And how do I confront him about it since I have basically invaded his privacy without him knowing??? We are expats living in another country-so I am basically alone and dependent on him (I do have a job)and i cannot pack up and leave my precious animals and the home we built together in this new country. I am shattered with no one to confide in. I stopped confiding in friends from home because I dont want to tarnish his reputation incase we land up together. Im so confused and lost-can a cheater change?

fourever posted 6/29/2013 15:37 PM

Hugs to you Pringle. But, you know you do not want a life with this man. If you marry him, you will have a lifetime of this. He has very large issues, and you can't fix them. Only he can, and clearly, he's not ready to do that.
So, the answer is yes, some can change, but some Don't want to.

We are all very well aware of how hurtful this is, but sometimes you have to walk away to heal. You will soon look back and say thank God!

You have absolutely nothing to be sorry, ashamed, guilty of. NOTHING! You should tell someone or everyone if you want, having help going through this is crucial. Find a counselor or even a trusted co-worker or boss. Lean on us here heavily, we've either seen it or been through it.
If you want to come home, begin to make the arrangements for moving your animals, etc. There is nothing you cannot do, just do not do it with him.
I'm sorry, I know this hurts immensely.

fourever posted 6/29/2013 15:38 PM

Also, weekends can be slow, so be patient waiting for those who can offer other opinions to you.

Pringle posted 6/29/2013 15:50 PM

Thank you Fourever. I am glad I found this forum. The hurt is unbearable and its comforting knowing I am not alone.
Problem is, I cannot take my animals back, they were his to begin with and I have bonded immensely with them over the years we have been together. My small dog died in the moving of countries so they replaced that void in my life. :(
Thanks for letting me know about the slowness over weekends:)
I know in my brain I shouldn't marry this man, but its trying to get my heart to agree with my brain that is the problem.

Random thoughts posted 6/29/2013 16:00 PM

If you allow your emotions to guide you, your life with him will follow this path.

He leaves for work earlier than normal, you run to check his computer to see who he is meeting with.

He hangs up the phone when you walk in the room, you start checking phone records trying to find a pattern.

He works late you get in your car to see if his is parked in the lot.

He pays too much attention to one woman at a party, you start gathering info on her because she might be the next ow in your life.

He says he going out with the guys and you swing by the bar to see who he is with.

This going to be your life if you stay with him you'll turn into "mommy "trying to corral the teenage son from doing teenager stunts.

You want a partner to add something in your life but not stress, self doubt, and depression.

When your mate tells you and shows you who he really is believe him.

Pippy posted 6/29/2013 16:03 PM

Hon, he has shown you what kind of man he is - believe him. You are not in love with this cheater. You are in love with the dream you had for your future and that is a fantasy.

All I can say is RUN. DO NOT MARRY him. You will survive the rest, but if you keep enabling him to hurt you he will. Get away from him now. You deserve so much better.

fourever posted 6/29/2013 16:04 PM

Do you love your home so much, and your job so much, you would risk being miserable for years?
It is painful, trust me!
In my case, my husband is doing everything (actions) to make the unforgivable right again.
Your fiance, is hiding his real life and back at it.

You must face this and be thankful (I know), that you are not married and raising children with this man.

But, as I said earlier, YOU CANNOT FIX HIM. You can't. You can't make him be faithful, you can't love him into changing. It is simply not possible. Only he can do it.

Based on what you have said, I must tell you that you should be also be tested for STD's as soon as possible. I'm so sorry.

Stay strong, I think you know the answer, and what you must do. It sucks, but you will survive. Lean on us. ((Hugs))

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/29/2013 16:16 PM


I'm sorry for your pain. You've found a good resource in this web site, though.

Definitely read,through the healing library, if you haven't already. It will help.

I have a few thoughts for you.

1. There is no reason to feel guilty about checking his email, Facebook, etc. he lost the keys to his privacy for some time to come, due to his infidelity.

2. This is a question. Has he been extremely remorseful, or just sorry he got caught? He needs to be feeling remorse if you and he are to,have a chance to reconcile. The fact that he is repeating his horrible behaviors makes me think he isn't feeling it.

3. Of course you love him. You were going to marry him, so this is all a huge nightmare for you, I'm sure. The question is,,is he the person you thought he was when you fell in love with him? We know the answer is no. So, unfortunately, he has proven to you that he is not who you loved.

4. Anyone that would cheat on their fiancé, I mean, come on?!.!? That's when things are supposed to be bonding together and feeling lucky to have found a life partner. If he can be faithful to you now, forget it.

5. So, is it hard to leave? Yes. But, how hard will it be when you are six months pregnant and he cheats on you? Although it doesn't seem like it to you, and I know the animals that you love are an issue, it will never be easier than now.

6. This guy isn't as wonderful as you think. In fact, he's the opposite of wonderful. You're seeing the true him unfold right before your eyes. He is a liar. He is untrustworthy. He,doesn't care if you hurt. ....traits you've been looking for in a husband? No.

Please, be honest with yourself. . When you look at him, don't see what you want him to be, see him for who he has shown you he is, and believe what he has shown you through his multiple betrayals.

Best to you.

shiloe posted 6/29/2013 16:39 PM

So sorry you are here. You did the right thing calling off the marriage. Please, run from this cheater, he will not change. He will disrespect you even more if you marry him now.

Get him out of you life. You are young and don't need this deception in you life.

Just think of it as dodging a bullet

Bluebird26 posted 6/29/2013 21:18 PM

I am so sorry you are here. But gently please don't marry him. You don't want a life of this it is pure hell I have lived it and many others here as well. He is showing you exactly who he is, please believe him. He isn't going to change, he is not doing the work to change. If he really loved you he wouldn't be sabotaging your relationship. You deserve so much better then this. Please find the courage to leave.

featherweight posted 6/29/2013 21:40 PM

Pringle, i am so sorry you are going through this. (Hugs) we are here for you & will help you get through it.

Snooping brought you truth, you had to get it yourself because your fiancée didn't think you deserved to know. You always deserve truth. Don't feel bad for seeking truth in a life with a liar.

If you stay with him in this state you will be teaching him that you will tolerate this behavior - he is learning that he can tell you a story and carry on as he pleases, just has to keep you out of his "private life". you will continue to struggle with this as long as you are with him & look the other way. keep your eyes open, stop worrying about him and start protecting yourself. You know you deserve better. What he's done is not a reflection of your judgement of character, it's all about his issues.
Be grateful you found out now, before marriage and children. I was 8months pregnant when I started to realize there were signs and reasons to dig for information.

Your life will be better when you stand up for yourself and stop living with his disrespectful behavior.

realitybites posted 6/30/2013 07:17 AM

I say keep silently monitoring him. It will be your only way to see exactly what he is all about.

And sadly I hate to tell you but if he is chatting with women in other countries then there is more to this story. It is usually the tip of the iceburg. Sorry.

fourever posted 6/30/2013 09:18 AM

Pringle, how are you today honey?

stillhere09 posted 6/30/2013 09:30 AM

I'm so sorry, Pringle.

A good rule of thumb is this: If the cheater is a serial cheater, involved with more than one other woman, even if it isn't physical yet, then it's time to move on. There are some WS's (wayward spouses) who have had one affair, and then became truly remorseful, willing to do anything to help their partner heal. In a case like that, there is hope.

That your fiancé would move you to a different country, allow you to become attached to pets, plan a future marriage with you, and then cheat on you is unconscionable. It seems to me that he took deliberate steps to trap you. I would not feel safe with him or trust him. Please show him that you are not trapped, that you are able to get yourself home and to safety. I know how hard this is, but just keep looking ahead to your new home and the true love you are sure to find there. As you show him that you are able to take care of yourself and that you have self-respect, you will feel more powerful and less of a victim.

Don't feel bad about checking up on him. You owed that to yourself. It was a necessary method to safeguard yourself. As for outing him to relatives, it would be in your best interest to do so. Please don't hesitate. You need all the help you can get to get you through this.

Keep posting here. It really helps.

selkiescot posted 6/30/2013 10:03 AM

I was engaged to man EXACTLY like your finace. After 35 years of marriage I have had enough. Multiple affairs, mulltiple EA's. Your fiance is showing you who he is, please believe him. If you marry this man you will end up with a shattered heart unless he does the hard wor of healing what's broken inside him.

[This message edited by selkiescot at 10:04 AM, June 30th (Sunday)]

Mousse242 posted 6/30/2013 13:52 PM

Get out of this relationship now. He cannot stay faithful. He is showing you who he is.

Do not walk away, run.

Staying in a toxic relationship for kids or in your case animals is not worth it. Cut your loss, grieve for your relationship not just with him but with the animals. Get out.

But, you know you do not want a life with this man. If you marry him, you will have a lifetime of this. He has very large issues, and you can't fix them. Only he can, and clearly, he's not ready to do that.

So, the answer is yes, some can change, but some Don't want to.


nowiknow23 posted 6/30/2013 13:56 PM


Sal1995 posted 6/30/2013 14:00 PM

I know you're hurting, Pringle. But he did you a huge favor by showing his true colors before your marriage. Trust me, better to find out now than after 17 years of marriage and 4 children.

Now, do yourself a big favor and RUN.

Ashland13 posted 6/30/2013 14:12 PM

I'm sorry, Pringle.

And I'm worried for you.

Yes, it sounds like this is a man with issues and this is not a man who respects you.

I hope that you will find a way to work this out for yourself, for he is already on to other women and not taking you seriously.

I'm truly sorry for that and feel your pain, as someone who was extremely codependent and now totally alone and pregnant after being abandoned by a cheating spouse.

My shock from what he did went so deep that people actually yelled at me to try to wake me up. Friends shook me, showed me try to get me to realize the fullness of disrespect that cheating really is.

On SI there are some other threads that talk about health issues that cheating brings to all in a household and I worry about that for you, too.

If you go on with this man without speaking up, even if it makes trouble, he may just keep doing it and he will know he can get away with it.

Even though I have this aching lonliness both day and night for a companion, I also finally feel some self-respect. I'm also told from relatives that they respect my choice for initiating divorce and showing Happy Pants and the world that I won't be treated that way.

I want more from life and more from a significant other than one who has no respect for me. I would wish that for you.

I, too, may lose a home and I'm sorry for your loss of your animals. I am having to make deals with Happy Pants to take with me forever things I cherish, even when I am not the one who did anything. It's horrible and animals can become some of our best friends in the world. Much of the time, the only other alive being I have to be with is an elderly pet. I hug her often and am thankful that someone stayed with me, for as long as I have her-so I know what you mean.

I would wish for you that it was possible to let yourself think of waking up with different walls around you, just a little tiny start to think what would it be like to not be with this man?

For me it was pure hell and agony to do, but I did it and he can't control me now.

And you know what? I hear the lies he tells other people and am shocked that such a person once enthralled me.

I wish you peace.

mysticpenguin posted 6/30/2013 15:32 PM

You've gotten excellent advice. Please just be careful to delete your visits to SI from your/his computer. I wouldn't be surprised if his guilty conscience is inspiring him to keep tabs on you too. Be covert while you gather evidence and plan your escape!

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