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Myname posted 6/29/2013 18:52 PM

I know I haven't posted in a while here but I thought I'd check in.

I don't even know where to start. I guess things have been going pretty good. I've gone to a few IC appointments and I like the IC. I know that's half the battle. Things have been going well with SO. She is coming to visit July 4th (this is a LDR).

I've been doing okay with not cutting. But about a week or so ago I had a really bad trigger, more like a flashback to "that moment" on D-day. I ended up cutting myself. The temptation is still very much there. I think about it a lot. When something goes wrong it's my first thought as a solution. I think about doing it even if nothing is wrong. There is a part of me that does not want to give it up at all. But I also know that keeping the cutting would mean losing SO.

I've been cleaning the house today b/c SO is coming. And I came across some trigger stuff that I deciding was time to throw out. I'm very tempted to get it out of the garbage now. I guess it's once again admitting that the M is over and that I failed.

I'm pretty depressed now. I don't feel like cleaning or doing anything at all.

nowiknow23 posted 6/29/2013 19:03 PM

Glad you checked in, MyName.

I guess it's once again admitting that the M is over and that I failed.

Stop me if you've heard this before... YOU DID NOT FAIL. You absolutely, positively did. not. fail. The end of the marriage is not on you, MyName. I wish you could believe in that, because it is the truth.
I'm pretty depressed now. I don't feel like cleaning or doing anything at all.
Remember how much p90x helped? Pull that out and give it a whirl. Or go for a drive/ride. Do something to change the view, and the emotions will change as well.

((((hugs))))

sheila0304 posted 6/29/2013 19:21 PM

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I've had many bad days myself, the good news is they pass.
Be kind to yourself
((Myname))

Amazonia posted 6/29/2013 19:30 PM

Lyonesse posted 6/29/2013 19:38 PM

the M is over and that I failed.
The M is over but you didnít fail Ė you are growing, becoming healthier, and have a SO who cares about you. Donít let your exís failure keep you from giving your best to this new person, and accepting her best. Please, please look forward. That is where your life lies.

Have you talked with the IC yet about how to deal with this?

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 7:49 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]

Williesmom posted 6/29/2013 21:08 PM

Thanks for checking in.

little turtle posted 6/29/2013 21:49 PM

Glad to hear from you.

Jen posted 6/29/2013 22:01 PM

OMG !!!!!!!


HIIIIIIIIIIIIII .... Keep wondering how you are. So glad to hear your doing well.

The trigger things, what if, you store them away out of sight and then go through them when SO get's there ??? Kinda have like a ritual throwing away or burning or mutilating of the items ...

I'm sooooooo glad you posted ....

SQUEEEEE

tryingagain74 posted 6/29/2013 22:24 PM

Hi, myname. Glad you checked in.

wildbananas posted 6/29/2013 22:51 PM

Glad you popped in! And I agree with Empress. Change the view. I know it always helps me.

heartbroken_kk posted 6/30/2013 11:18 AM

Myname!!!! Hey great to hear from you!

FANTASTIC NEWS THAT YOU FINALLY STARTED SEEING AN IC! Wow and hurray!

We all have highs and lows and I'm so sorry to hear you are in a low right now. I hope it passes soon.

How many sessions have you had in IC? I go once a week, same day same time, is that what you do?

How is the landscape business? I love how gorgeous gardens can be in the summer but it sure is a lot of work keeping up

Here is a hug, just because. (((((Myname)))))

[This message edited by heartbroken_kk at 11:19 AM, June 30th (Sunday)]

Myname posted 6/30/2013 12:49 PM

Hello everyone and BB too.

The M is over but you didnít fail Ė you are growing, becoming healthier, and have a SO who cares about you. Donít let your exís failure keep you from giving your best to this new person, and accepting her best. Please, please look forward. That is where your life lies.

Have you talked with the IC yet about how to deal with this?

It is a topic that I was told by IC last time would be discussed at my next appointment which is tomorrow. I've been pretty stubborn on that one. I'm not sure how to get around that. I'm not a quitter and I don't like to fail. I'm a perfectionist and make unreasonable and unrealistic demands on myself.

How many sessions have you had in IC? I go once a week, same day same time, is that what you do?

I've only been to 2 sessions so far. I go every other week on Monday's. It's the only day I have off.

How is the landscape business?

Business has been going really well. I had to hire someone to help. I went through a few people but I think I found someone that is going to be the right fit. I was mowing 60 lawns in 4 days! I got to a point where I couldn't take on more mowing jobs and I couldn't do any extra work like trimming bushes. Not to mention I was exhausted. So I had to find help.

I'm still working out 3-4 days a week. I'm gaining weight/muscle and am in the best shape of my life. I look good and feel good. I have a ton of energy now and I eat like a horse. I eat every 1-2 hours. I've tripled the number of calories I eat from a year ago. I'm really proud of myself.

I am so fast with a weed eater now that it is not unusual for me to have an audience. People always ask me how I'm able to do that so fast b/c I'm just a blur flashing across the yard.

cayc posted 6/30/2013 14:37 PM

This is a pretty awesome update Myname. You just sound *good* and that makes me happy to hear.

Re; the failing at M thing, and this statement in particular

I'm not a quitter and I don't like to fail. I'm a perfectionist and make unreasonable and unrealistic demands on myself.

I get it. I really do. I'm a perfectionist and am so hard on myself. Always trying to get things right and solved and done. I'm working at the moment on embracing my messy fuck ups and being ok with it. And one way I've been doing this is trying to reframe some of that perfectionist thinking. So it isn't that I failed at my M, but rather my M and my xWH failed me. Neither were good enough for me. In fact, if I did indeed err, it was in not honoring myself and leaving loooong before I finally did.

I hope you can see that. That your xWW failed YOU. Your M failed YOU. Not the other way around. And look at what an awesome job you are doing taking care of yourself. And how far you've come. I hope you are proud of yourself and see this. We here certainly do!

inconnu posted 6/30/2013 15:20 PM

I'm so glad you checked in, and I'm thrilled you've found an IC you like. Can't wait for the day that you post that you've finally figured out you're as awesome as the rest of us know you are.

Too_Trusting posted 6/30/2013 15:52 PM

myname,

I, like everyone else, is glad you checked in. I just have to tell you this:

If you substitute SMOKING for CUTTING in your initial post, I could have written it. I just find that sooooo ironic, and oddly comforting for me and my struggle to quit smoking. I did really well for about 8 months, then sneaked a smoke here and there, and then sneaked more, then quit again, then cheated, then quit, and fell into a vicious circle. I'm back in the quitting realm, tho.

OMG, we're in a parallel universe...Maybe we can quit cutting/smoking together???

persevere posted 6/30/2013 18:38 PM

So happy to see your update - you made it to IC, that is awesome.

I saw a post on Baggage Reclaim's FB site today:

The healthy decision (as in the one that reflects your own needs, wishes and expectations) doesnít always feel good immediately but if you give it time instead of undermining it, it will begin to pay off. Trust the process. Trust you.

It really hit home with me, and I thought of it when reading your post Myname.

So glad you are doing so well. I am keeping up the workouts more now too. I've started doing kettlebell workouts and I am SORE all the time, lol.

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