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Anyone else? I feel like I have been through such an emotional ringer since 2009. Two affairs. Back and forth on our relationship and now he wants to fight for it but I just don't have it in me. Everyone says it takes two people to R but he is the only one working on it right now. He is saying how much he wants to be here, he is in IC, and we are in MC. But really, I'm not sure I want to do this anymore. To be fair, it is A season (for the second one). I do not want to have sex or physical contact with him at all right now and have told him so. I told him the thought of it disgusts me and all of the sudden he is fine with that. I have told him I don't love him anymore and don't want to be in a relationship with him, so he brings up renewing vows and telling me we can be good again. He tells me he loves me and I reply with uh-huh. I still monitor him. I still wait for the other shoe to drop. I still wonder daily when it will happen again. I have told him to leave and he just won't go anywhere. To be honest, I haven't fully pushed the issue. Basically we are living as roommates with our munchkins running around and he is okay with that? I'm not. That's the problem. I want a real marriage and I feel like this one is a sham still. Everyone says you will know when enough is enough. Why can't I get to that point? What is blocking me so badly right now that I cannot figure out where I am at emotionally? The part that bothers me the most is I am an angry person and mom. I wasn't like this before. I snap literally and can't reign my emotions and anger in. Sometimes I feel like if I just cut the baggage out (him), I will be able to get my life back together.

And what makes it crazier is that my MIL actually talked to me about his dad's multiple affairs when she visited. We don't have a good relationship because FIL has always hated me and tried to intimidate me. (But that's another story) She is talking about divorcing his dad and is finally growing a backbone. They have been married 40 years and he had 5 affairs, plus physical abuse. We don't have the abuse part but he can be cruel with words. I think it was an eye opener for me that I really don't want to be his mom. Living with an ass for 40 years and giving him the best parts of my life then starting over in my 50's or 60's.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm just lost. I don't know how to check back in even for my kids...

(((Sleepless22)))

Try doing something just for you.

I could have written your post!!!

I've been sitting on the fence so long that my butt has permanent marks in it! I think it's because of the TT in my case and if I'm honest with myself, he might be borderline NPD.

I don't have any advice for you but just know that you are not alone. I've been on this site a lot lately hoping to find answers/information to kick my butt in one direction or the other. I'm so tired of limbo. I even quit my IC cause every week she would ask me where I was and every week I would say "I STILL don't freaking know!!!"

(((Hugs)))

Your not alone. I feel very similar. I feel like I'm wasting time that I can't get back. Sometimes they just push it to far and you can't get it back. My ws has just made me numb..any affection which is rare, annoys the hell out of me. I really just want to be left alone.

This is the one area in my life I am just not sure how to handle.

Part of mine is financial like yours Ostrich. With kids though I just can't seem to save any money. I'm a teacher and my income barely covers my bills. I can't have a house payment and a car payment at the same time or no one eats.

Hope, I come here almost every day but I rarely post. People in R talk about rebuilding the relationship but I'm to a point that I'm sick of working on it so we can sit on the fence together.

Thank you TIKY. I think I will take some time today. I think I need it.