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Worst fear happened (a little graphic)

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savvy posted 6/30/2013 06:41 AM

Well my H and I were intimate for first time since D-day. It didn't go so well. it was fine to start but he couldn't keep his erection. Sorry to be graphic. He says it isn't that he isn't,t attracted to me , he was worried about it happening so he thinks that's part of it. It has happened before
Dday but I can't help thinking it will hamper us trying to work on R. He says it won't that we just need time. I can't help but think its me that doesn't (excite) him. He claims it even has happened with Ap. has anyone else had this problem?

noprincess posted 6/30/2013 07:51 AM


Yes...and the first few times it reduced me to tears. Then I began to realize that my H wanted intimacy with me and he was feeling pressure to perform and totally sensing my damaged self image...all of this contributed to intimacy problems.

Believe me, this is not about you, honey. No man starts being intimate without the goal of finishing He is likely feeling a lot of performance related stress.

Also, your H and mine are the same age. When's the last time he went to the doctors for a physical? My H discovered he had some health problems that were contributing to intimacy issues. Time for your H to have a check-up!

(((savvy))) Put away your doubts honey, this is NOT about you, I promise.

mike7 posted 6/30/2013 08:02 AM

he needs to get his cholestrol checked. At our age everything is about cardiovascular health. not that I would know.

FightingBack posted 6/30/2013 08:37 AM


Yes, this happens, and I try not to let it send me into a tailspin. Talk about it, or not, I don't know. I wish I could say it happened with the OW but it didn't. Kind of knocks your self esteem doesn't it? But hear what the other posters say and take heart that it isn't at all you. I think our WH are feeling quite a bit of pressure in that department.

Couldn't help but laugh at Mike's tag line though!

Phoenix519 posted 6/30/2013 08:52 AM

Yes, and yes it happened with the AP also. It took me along time to sort through it and not take it as he wasn't interested in me, because it just felt like another blow to my already fragile self esteem. But it's not. It has nothing to do with you or me.

It's fear of hurting you, triggering you and the guilt he feels.

It took time, and now we're fine. But it does take a lot of time.

We made 10 minutes of cuddle time every evening our priority. That, along with a lot of help and reassurance on both our parts has gotten us on the road to a better place.

He did go to the doctor for a check up and got a prescription, if you know what I mean, to help us along but they're not needed anymore.

Hang in there, this is just another thing to endure on the way to R. But it can get better.


mike7 posted 6/30/2013 11:58 AM

Couldn't help but laugh at Mike's tag line though!

ha ha, very funny. Wasn't referring to that. And i've got cholesterol medicine and running daily, so... problem solved!

thecosmogirl posted 6/30/2013 13:11 PM

This has happened to me also. And has happened before the A. He said it happened with the OW too.
How funny (not) that I had suspicions of an A when it first happened, yet blew it off because my H was the best there ever was and our life and marriage was almost a fairytale. I had him on such a pedestal, bragging to anyone what an awesome person he was.....I am going to blow up that pedestal with Tannerite today

Skan posted 6/30/2013 13:22 PM

And with me, it's the opposite. He can't orgasm. He has "mini" ones. Granted, he had this sort of problem before, but after 4 years of a sexual desert, then ADs, it's even worse than ever. And though I know it's not my fault/problem, it makes my heart ache.

The only gratification I get is that he couldn't finish for the OW. Insert grim smile here.

savvy posted 6/30/2013 13:49 PM

Thank you all for making me feel like its not me. I guess I should feel good that I could even get him "excited". I guess if he didn't desire me he wouldn't have even been able to start. He thinks its the pressure and stress. He tells me I'm very desirable and shouldn't feel it was me. I think we jumped in too soon before we were either emotionally ready. I probably put too much pressure on it just looking reclaim what was mine. If it happens again I guess there is always meds to help

Williesmom posted 6/30/2013 16:44 PM

In my wxh's case, it only happened when he was with the MOW.

[This message edited by Williesmom at 4:44 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]

Ladyogilvy posted 6/30/2013 17:28 PM

Savvy- Cialis! Seriously. Much better than Viagra because there's a much, much bigger window of opportunity. They are expensive but 1/2 often is plenty. It's worth it regardless.

Skan- ADs will do that... I don't know if Cialis would help that particular problem. IMO. ADs aren't worth it unless we're talking serious situation. If he goes of the ADs, he could try amino acids and herbal remedies. He should not take the amino acids and ADs together though. They can be a very bad combination.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 5:29 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]

avicarswife posted 6/30/2013 17:49 PM

Happened to us as well - WH was worried about how I would perceived it. I have to say it did send me into a spin as it was the first time it had ever happened in our relationship.

I don't know if it ever happened with the OW but I guess not. Otherwise WH would have told me - he'd think it would be reassuring!

At the time he had just tripled his ADs so that may have had something to do with it. It settled after a couple of months however even now on the odd occasion things can be a bit up and down and up!

Besides he's at the age it can be an issue.

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