SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

stronger08 posted 6/30/2013 08:11 AM

As an old timer here I want to touch on the subject of self preservation. IMO the most over looked and most important step towards healing. In all the mania that is infidelity the BS spends almost all their time after D-day trying to figure out what happened. Its imperative that a newly found out BS does not go there. You will spend countless days, weeks, months and in some cases years trying to make sense out of nonsense. Stop wasting your emotional time and energy on something that is fruitless. The "WHYS" of an A is for the WS to figure out, not you. Another waste of time is to try and plead with or nice the WS back into reality There is no amount of pleading or niceness that can snap a WS out of their fog. As a matter of fact its actually counter productive. The WS feeds off of fear, pain, sadness and alike. When you show them these emotions it just gives them power and sends them off on a tangent. They think that because you are hurting it gives them carte blanche to walk all over you. And they will do just that if you let them. Its very hard but try and hide your pain and suffering in front of the WS.

Another big mistake we make is to start worrying about what's going to happen down the line. Your dealing with enough at the moment no need
to start think about what's going to happen a month from now. Take your time to absorb what's going on now. And what has been going on behind your back. The more information you can get ahold of the better. Knowledge is power and the more you know the less likely TT will come into play. Take any step you need to find out the real truth. Who is the OP, when did this all start, how deep is the betrayal etc. After you get as much knowledge as you can create a plan of attack. The best weapon at your disposal is the truth. Start using it to your advantage. Expose, Expose, Expose. Nothing kills an A like the truth. This is not your secret to hide. This is not your embarrassment. The blame and all things A related belongs to the WS. Keep this in mind. You did nothing wrong here. Marital, employment, child issues etc are no reason for an A period end of story.

Many of us will simply fall apart after discovering that your spouse is/was cheating. Its extremely important that you seek help from whatever source is available. Simply posting and venting on SI does not constitute helping yourself. Get your ass to a Dr. Explain the situation and how you are feeling. Get tested for STD's and don't have unprotected sex with your WS. If your Dr. suggests medication use it. There is no shame in this. Depression and alike are medical conditions and need to be treated as such. The sooner you start on meds the sooner you will be thinking more clearly. Therapy is another great but rarely used resource in the beginning. Seek it out ASAP and don't make excuses as to why you cant. Its only 30 to 45 minutes a week. You can find time to go. Get legal advice quickly. See what your up against legally and prepare for it. Do not make any life altering decisions while in an emotional state. Some of our worst decisions come when we think with our emotions not our brain. If you can not afford legal advice there are many resources available for free. The best place to seek this is your local courthouse. Tons of free information and legal help can be found there. I would also suggest informing your employer as to what's going on. Your work is going to suffer greatly as your mind simply can not process normal tasks when its busy with A related topics. FMLA is a great law to assist you in securing your employment. Use it if you need to. Most employers will sympathize with your plight and even suggest some services available to you from employee assistance programs.

This is probably the most difficult thing to do. But you must try and take care of your health. Exercise and eating right keeps your body strong. You will need this in the upcoming weeks. If you find you can not eat after a couple of days again see your Dr. Supplemental nutrition such as drinks and high calorie shakes do help. Avoid self medicating. Drinking and drugging does not help. It actually makes the situation worse. I understand that while imbibing in these activities it helps take away the pain for a bit. But in the end when you sober up your still faced with the same shit. Except now you have a hangover to boot. Its very easy to slip into an addiction during these times. You must abstain from bad habit's or at the very least keep a keen eye on them during these times. Do not make your situation worse by getting addicting to self medication. If you have children you are going to want to protect them at all costs. And there is nothing wrong with that. But you are of no use to them if you allow an A or your WS to break you. Infidelity is the most emotional traumatizing experience you will endure in your life. Its it worse than the death of a close loved one. It will zap every ounce of energy out of you. And if allowed it will destroy your life. Watch out for many of these pitfalls and others I have not mentioned. The key to navigating this hell is to preserve yourself. If you can not function, you cant not fight for your life. Its sucks that you have to be put in this position by another. Especially the person you loved and thought had your best interests at hand. But it is what it is. No amount of wishing or praying can take it away. Deal with it with smartness and dignity. I promise it will be better in the end. Peace to all.

doggiediva posted 6/30/2013 09:44 AM

computer fart

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:47 AM, June 30th (Sunday)]

doggiediva posted 6/30/2013 09:46 AM

Thank you for posting this..This needs a big bullseye or to be bumped again and again for newbies..

I am about 4 years out from a false R that lasted two years..

I tried everything you mentioned here.. I went to counseling..I let my doctor and employer know what was happening and why I was in such a funk....My job was such that other people's lives/health directly depended on me being able to perform competently without distraction..I was referred to my EA program and got some free legal advice through them..

All of these self survival measures helped me...

I must mention that one needs a GOOD counselor for counseling to work. Nine times out of ten we have to shop and eliminate the counselors one by one with trial and error until a good counselor is found..If you are heading towards D this same advice applies to finding a good lawyer..The advice that the L or C offers needs to be good and resonate with the individual situation one is in..

I am in the dire situation of living as room mates with my WH..

The legal advice I got from several lawyers was good.With that being said, I cannot afford a long and arduous divorce proceeding..I have a serious health issue that leaves me unable to work full time..I took full retirement from my job.. My WH has no savings, pension, or employment...

So for the moment I am in a poor position to unravel this household (legally).

For me to make any financial recovery from D I would have to work like a whirlwind for the next 10-15 years and my health doesn't afford me that

So while living in this situation I am doing what I can to be healthy in self preservation..

I do slip sometimes and drink too much if I am particularly down..

My best measure of self preservation in my living situation is doing the 180..

WH does NOT get the perks and benefits of being married to me..No sex, no affection..I don't cook or do laundry for him..I carry on with my own schedule which doesn't include WH..

On a side note, if I could figure out a way to disappear from where I am living, while keeping my pension and 401 K intact and protected I would go for it..I wouldn't care if WH was awarded house in a default D..

I want to start a new life of my own away from WH....Unfortunately this will be a fight for my life literally and figuratively

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:55 AM, June 30th (Sunday)]