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Am I being selfish??? Please help me see.

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cantaccept posted 6/30/2013 10:09 AM

About a month ago h and I went to a birthday party for his friends fiance. My first time out with alot of people since dday.

My birthday was 10/14, dday was 10/21. He ignored me, did not acknowledge my birthday and I now know spent the day talking and texting her. I actually found out a few days after my birthday.

One of the sad parts of this is that I was disappointed just about every birthday. He said they weren't important to him so he just never thought about it. Not true, the one year my plans for his birthday ran into complications he was hurt, lying in bed feeling sorry for himself. My point being that him not acknowledging my birthday was not a red flag, just another disappointment.

At this party, when they started to sing to her and I saw all the effort friend put into the party, just for her and how he was looking at her, I triggered big time. I could barely hold back the tears, but I did. I couldn't fake being happy but I did try to control myself, walked outside as soon as possible where others were talking and joined the conversation. On the way home, I tried to explain to h why this was so hard and I did the best I could, that I didn't think ahead of time, did not know what a trigger this was going to be.

He keeps bringing this up, making me feel as if my reaction was inappropriate. I tried again this morning to get him to understand. He seems to think that I choose to hurt about things. He told me I was being selfish, thinking only of myself when I should have been happy for them. He said that I am too fragile, that I don't have to be this fragile. He said he is afraid to go anywhere with me because everything makes me trigger. He says that I have too many associations. In previous conversations about this he has said a blade of grass can make me trigger.

Am I being overly sensitive? Am I being selfish? Self absorbed?

I am having so much trouble trusting myself and my perceptions. I seem to gain strength and clarity at IC but as the week goes on my thinking seems to get confused, I lose my confidence.

karmahappens posted 6/30/2013 11:35 AM

Triggers and pain don't always make sense to anyone but us.

There is no need for you to have to explain yourself to him. He should feel your pain, know your hurt is caused by him/his actions and be standing by ready to support you.

He should never make you feel bad or fragile for your pain.

Trust yourself enough to know that the pain is real and you deserve to be loved and validated through these difficult triggers.

HE is being selfish, he wants you to just act as though everything is ok, when it's not.

I would question his real remorse, he should hurt for you.


cantaccept posted 6/30/2013 11:51 AM


Thank you for your reply. I am just so uncertain of myself, my biggest task in IC is to build my confidence and self worth. It is a daily struggle, such a new concept for me to put my needs first. I worry that I am going overboard, being too demanding.

Then I feel like he is not truly remorseful, does not "get the depth".

I listen to him and then doubt myself. I need more practice at this.

The reinforcement does help though. Thank you.

karmahappens posted 6/30/2013 11:57 AM

General rule. .. listen to you. You know how you feel and what you need. It's hard to make the adjustment to start putting yourself first but very very important to become healthy. Don't give his criticism the time of day. Work on you and eventually it will all fall into place.

Make your new mantra. I. AM WORTH IT.

cantaccept posted 6/30/2013 12:12 PM

You are so right. It seems my biggest obstacle is the brain understands but the heart goes on auto-pilot. Or maybe it is the reverse.

I now know this is all from foo, I learned this very early, survival.

Now I have to remind myself there is more to life than just survival.

Trust myself, if it feels wrong, it probably is.

Kelany posted 6/30/2013 12:19 PM

I got a tattoo 8 months after Dday#1 and it says "I Am Enough" and its so true. I am. It was a statement to my FWH.

Triggers are triggers. Sometimes they just are and he needs to help you through them, not minimize them. Its a part of the healing process. He should want to help you through this.

[This message edited by SamanthaBaker at 12:20 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]

redrock posted 6/30/2013 12:30 PM

In my mind I think this breaks down into 2 issues.

1. Did you create a scene at the party?

2. Is the trigger reasonable and does it need to be addressed by both of you?


I couldn't fake being happy but I did try to control myself

My question to this is- how hard did you try?
Was it obvious to everyone involved? Did your behavior distract from the moment for the couple involved?
Do you think that while it was unavoidable, that it met the qualification of inappropriate, as stated by your WH?

I am not saying it was. If you teared up and then quietly left, who is to say that you were not simply touched by the moment?

I guess I am asking you to look outside the trigger and see if your behavior was something that could have been seen an inappropriate by the other guests...

If it was, then you apologize. Shit happens.

I cried at a Cub Scout event once because I got myself all teed up that the OW knew about it and might show up(my H was supposed to chaperone). I spent hours stressing about it, worrying and looking for her until the dam broke. It happened, I apologized to the other parent that was with me and got refocused on the boys.


I tried again this morning to get him to understand. He seems to think that I choose to hurt about things. He told me I was being selfish, thinking only of myself when I should have been happy for them. He said that I am too fragile

The issue is that seeing a partner make a public effort towards his fiance re-enforced the pain that you have a partner that expects effort on his day and is unwilling to make an effort for you.

That is a real problem that was highlighted by the affair.
What is his response to the specific issue?

To tell you that you are trigger happy and that is happens all too much about all too little.

He took the issue macro to blameshift back to you by trigger shaming you.

IMO you have to discuss bot the incident and the problem beneath it.

His lack of empathy is something that concerns me. He seems to want to make the fall out of his betrayal more about your being fragile and less about him blowing your lives to kingdom come.

[This message edited by redrock at 12:34 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]

cantaccept posted 6/30/2013 12:44 PM


I did not cause a scene. Did not cry, not even a trickle. Just waited until cake was cut and quietly walked outside to where others were talking and joined their conversation. I don't think anyone noticed, all I did was leave the room.

I don't think h would have even noticed if I hadn't brought it up after we were on our way home.

He tells me he feels remorse but I don't feel it. He only says it when I ask.

His way of comforting me is to tell me, I am here now, no one is hurting you now.

It is not enough for me and I am trying to remember, every day. It is up to me to heal me. It is up to him to prove to me that he is worthy of me.
I can heal myself alone, but I cannot heal our marriage alone.

It is up to him to learn what he needs to do. I can tell him what I feel I need but it is up to him to follow through.

cantaccept posted 6/30/2013 12:46 PM


I love the idea of the tattoo!!!

H wanted me to have his name tattooed on me, no way in hell!

I love your idea though, something just for me.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/30/2013 13:16 PM

I didn't even have to read your post before thinking you need to be more selfish. After reading your post, I think you need to be way more selfish. This guy sounds like an abusive jerk... At the very least he is selfish and manipulative. You are definitely being manipulated by him into questioning your right to how you feel. You have good reason for your feelings. My WH tries to tell me some of the same garbage about choosing to feel bad... But only when he forgets I got myself a pair of bitch boots. He back peddles real fast when he finds himself with one lodged in his backside.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 1:18 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]

RightTrack posted 6/30/2013 13:45 PM

I have a similar WH. Last year for my birthday he was spending the weekend with MOW. This year I told him it was important to me that he put some thought into it ( I didn't need a lot of money put into it).

Like you, my BD is now a big trigger based on the last years. This year came and he gave me a card that I had bought for a friend of mine, I was saving it in a drawer.

Honestly, I felt like a bitch for my feelings but I could have divorced him over that. He "made up for it" by later sending flowers and taking advice from the ladies who work at Sephora but it is still painful to think about this. What more can you do? I clearly told him it was important to me and why, I reminded him of the date and his still was a huge disappointment.

At Christmas I'll see if he got the message or not. For me ( and probably you) it is not about receiving gifts but about respecting something that is now important to you, and helping you heal from his affair.

cantaccept posted 7/1/2013 06:03 AM

I have been up since 2am. My mind will not turn off even when I sleep.

I am not being selfish. He is. By procrastinating and letting time go by and not attempting to do anything that I have asked for, he is telling me I don't matter.

I have been very clear and so undemanding. Please read, he resists and says the answers are not in books. I believe that he just is avoiding facing reality. He is the one that is fragile - not me.

I am facing my issues, dealing with my foo and how they affect my current actions. Becoming more assertive and self protective.

He is telling me that it is up to me to forgive him and all he has to do is be kind from now on.

He does not seem to understand that forgiveness is earned. That I need healing not just from the a, but from the years of verbal and emotional abuse.

cantaccept posted 7/1/2013 06:09 AM

I wasn't done and hit the wrong button!

I am not going to ask for anything from him again.

I have been so clear with my requests. They have not been very costly to him.

Please read, read alone, read with me. Seek answers, take the initiative to find out and understand what you can do to help me. I have even gone so far as to print,from the healing library, bought books.

No more, I feel that I am degrading myself by having to ask repeatedly.

It is up to him to accept the responsibility, to prove to me that he is sincere. I need to detach, it seems to be happening on its own anyway.

I can be receptive if he makes the effort but I will not beg, I deserve to be treated with respect, consideration and an acknowledgement that he is responsible for this and it is up to him to earn my heart back.

Blobette posted 7/1/2013 08:09 AM

I agree with whoever said you weren't being selfish enough. This guy is giving you NOTHING. It's all about him. I'm sorry, you are not in R, because you are the one doing all of the work. He is not in this, at all. He's rug-sweeping and still in avoidance mode. He is not remorseful -- no one is remorseful if they only talk about things when YOU bring them up.

I'm so sorry. Lady, it's time to get your bitch boots on and start standing up for yourself.

cantaccept posted 7/1/2013 09:45 AM

I am not being selfish enough. I guess it really all boils down to my own sense of self worth.

I have to remind myself constantly that I deserve to be loved in a real and authentic way. I have so much to offer, give so much and I should receive it back in return.

Give love and trust and kindness to those who deserve it.

I am going to listen to my IC. Had my appointment this morning. Love yourself, trust your gut. If it feels wrong it is wrong.

Stop trying to control the outcome. Leave it to him to do the work. The choice is his to give what he is willing to give. My choice is whether it is enough for me.

Right now it is not enough. right now I have no faith in him.

He needs to prove to me that he is remorseful. If he doesn't know how, learn. If he doesn't want to then leave me to heal myself.

I cannot control the outcome, only my response and actions.

I must take care of me, make choices that are good for me. I never want to compromise myself, allow myself to be abused or taken for granted again. I refuse.

He created this mess, not me. He made the choice to be selfish, he made the choice to be abusive.

If he is strong enough to face himself and offer what I need, then I can be receptive. As long as he keeps minimizing and blameshifting and rugsweeping, I withdraw. It is up to him to win back my heart.

I am ready to let go.

I wish I could bring my IC home with me. He really helps me clarify, reconcile my heart with my head.

It is all so new to me, putting myself first. I have trouble maintaining it. I always feel so selfish. I just have to remember that being selfish is not always bad, sometimes it is necessary to protect yourself.

Jennifer99 posted 7/1/2013 09:52 AM

Everyone always tells me I am oversensitive and sometimes I translate that into I'm being selfish.

It has taken me a long time to give myself permission to feel however I feel and not let anyone else judge me for it.

I think it helps to look at things from a different angle.

I will write out my story/issue much like you did here and think of it as someone else's and what would I say to them? Sometimes it helps me see that yes maybe I was being a bit self-absorbed. But most of the time the empathy and respect I give to other people's feelings is greater than my own. It is constant work to remind myself that I am allowed to feel however I want to feel.

If I have a choice, it isn't in the feeling, its just permitting the feelings to be there without consuming me. Somedays that is easier than others.

cantaccept posted 7/1/2013 20:40 PM

tonight we started a conversation about remorse. not pretty.

he says he can only show it in his own way.

he cannot open up because I am a liar!!!

time to get my house in order.

kiki1 posted 7/2/2013 12:57 PM

(((cantaccept))) I understand We gotta get a movin'

ladya posted 7/2/2013 14:53 PM

Honey you are not being selfish, you are hurt. He is the selfish one. You have every right to tell him when something is bothering you. I dealt with this for awhile and literally got to the point where I would tell my FWH what I expected him to say. I think their immediate reaction is to become defensive. Once that starts, one or both of you get stuck on stupid and it goes nowhere but down from there. My solution was to tell him what I needed and just shut up. I used to feel like crap and thought if he couldn't see that and hold me, love me, cradle me, comfort me that I was DONE! It took time for him to finally get it but he finally does most of the time.

Decide what you want. You are right, you deserve to be respected. If he wants you he will fight for you but give him time to come to terms with the intense amount of pain he has caused.

Blobette posted 7/2/2013 15:48 PM

(((cantaccept))) All of us know that our advice is much easier to dish out and much harder to put into practice. Keep repeating your mantras. They will guide you. Be strong!

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