Anyway, I have resisted for so long the notion that my exWH is a narcissist. It was so hard to see because he is the covert kind. I'm seeing that I endured a lot of abuse and emotional manipulation and just never knew it. It was just life I guess. Now, with the help of IC, I am seeing how narcs work, what motivates them, and how they can walk away like you never existed. That's been one of the hardest parts to accept.
My IC also read a blog that OW writes. It is atrocious. It shows how juvenile, insecure, nasty and selfish she really is. She doesn't even try to hide it. So, my IC said that she obviously can't diagnose her, but in reading that crap she would be very surprised if this woman is not a borderline personality.
So, she asked me to read up on that and read up on how those two personalities mix in a relationship. She wanted me to do that because, when I go to the bad place in my mind, I tend to romanticize their relationship.
Wow! I mean, wow. It all makes sense now. It makes so much sense. Just the little bit I know from the things the kids tell me, i am starting to see that we have two people embroiled in a sick relationship. He needs her to kiss his ass and idolize. She will until he does one little thing wrong. She will then push him away, hard. He will go away, but she will then do everything she can to coax him back. It's a gross cycle that will go on and on until one of them gets enough nerve to leave.
Borderlines don't get better. They get worse as they age and narcs never get better.
Please, my SI friends, help me to remember this when I go to the bad place. If they get married, I know my mind will go there and I need to remember all of this in order to get through. It's not true love, it's a sick need. Big difference.
We are so lucky to be free of the toxicity. There is no joy or peace being caught in their 'sparkly' relationship. They are exactly what each other deserves.
And you deserve so much better:)
I have long recognized you as a "sister" who walked the recovery from a N. I am not trying to say that I knew something about your ex that you didn't see, but rather I felt a kinship with your healing and your struggles. Sometimes a person on here just "sticks out" for me.
Anyway! Yes, sick cycle of need. For me, the more time away from the abuse cycle I can and do focus on my own situation and the positives in it, and the daily NORMAL struggles and the desire to romanticize or wonder what his world looks like lessens.
Good for you for continuing with IC. What a treat and gift to yourself.
http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Top100Traits.html
It lists the top 100 traits of personality-disordered individuals. I could think of examples for over 90 of them that fit my ex..
You could certainly say I was in a fog of my own for putting up with all this crap. Seeing this certainly opened my eyes to what types of behavior are NOT normal and how I was being gaslighted all the time.. It was very enlightening for me..
Take a peak in the I Can Relate Forum.. there are several of us dealing with NPD. We call ourselves the Tribe.
When I get to the point of romanticizing the XH ... I look at a list (therapist made me write) of all the abuses he has done to me and our kids. It helps to realize that I do not want to live my life like that again.
It really doesn't matter what he is doing (unless you feel threatened) it matters more, what you are doing for yourself.
Hugs,
K
^This.
It sounds like he finally got the woman he deserves. Someone to make him miserable-ever-after.
