SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

allfalldown posted 6/30/2013 13:45 PM

I recently had a conversation with another SI member who feels that their anonymity here has been compromised. Has this ever happened to anyone else?

Have you "stumbled" across someone you may know from the outside world based on details from reading their posted information? It makes me nervous. This is the reason that I have not yet posted in the "My Story" section and did not give my location or too many details about my situation.

What are the odds that the OW/OM can discover us?

Thoughts? Scenarios? Am I just being paranoid?

authenticnow posted 6/30/2013 14:07 PM

People tend to minimize the chances of being 'found' on here.

I think since we are 'anonymous' behind a computer screen, we forget sometimes that what we type is out there for all the world to see. I am so guilty of this.

When my BH and I were planning a g2g at our home, I was very surprised to learn that one of the people interested in attending lived about 20 minutes from us.

I share way too many personal details on here. I often have to check myself.

I don't think you're being paranoid at all. Maybe change a detail or two in your story, or be as vague as you can be while getting your story across, just to be safe.

Take2 posted 6/30/2013 14:19 PM

A member or two down in D/S have discovered that their posts were being read, and discussed, by WS and OW. One WS recently tried to use his BS's posts in court - judge ignored it though. So it can happen.

I was concerned because early on I had suggested this site to WX - don't know for sure that he ever realized I was a member, but it was always in my mind that he could be lurking.

In the midst of the D I had a question that I needed some objective feedback to. I PM'd an experienced SIer and asked what to do - they posted the question, "for a friend". So you can work around this potential problem and still have your safe place. (With the possible exception of the S having a keylogger on your computer I suppose...)

Just be careful not to post anything too specific or with identifiable markers. Your user name is vague, that's a good start!

SoVerySadNow posted 6/30/2013 14:29 PM

I'm pretty vague and have left out some things- I doubt anyone would figure out who I was IRL even if they knew to look here.

inconnu posted 6/30/2013 14:48 PM

How anonymous you are here on SI is up to you. Personally, I've met a number of SIers in person, and told a lot of people irl about SI, so I'm sure I'm not too anonymous here anymore. It doesn't bother me, but then again, I also have no issues telling anyone in person about now-ex cheating on me. It's a part of my life story, but it's not my secret, and it's not my shame.

If someone really wants to remain anonymous online, it's up to them to be cautious about the information they give out. And even then, it's a crap shoot.

eta: the OW was one of the people who have found me here. I had told then-WH about SI, and he was so kind as to share with her. It really bothered me when I found out about it, because they both had been reading what I posted for months, during a time I thought we were working on the marriage. But now...well, I hope they've both moved past stalking me online, but if they are...whatever. Not my problem anymore.

[This message edited by inconnu at 2:55 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]

Jospehine85 posted 6/30/2013 14:59 PM

OW stalked me before I knew she existed and stalks me now on Facebook (yes I have her blocked, she uses a fake account and sees only the posts set to public that I want her to see), Pinterest, Yelp and LinkedIn, etc. I kid you not.

ANY time I post ANYthing, ANYwhere I assume she will be seeing it and edit myself accordingly. You should always do the same thing.

Skan posted 6/30/2013 15:48 PM

I guess I'm a bit Eah! about it, since I really don't care if my FWH reads what I post here or not. And there is no OW to worry about (ONS where he lied about his married status to her) so nothing there either.

Frankly, what worried me more is that he posted enough details on his AFF account that anyone that wanted to, could have found him and therefore us. He posted about his hobbies that we BOTH participated in and gave enough detail (plus, of course, his photo) to where anyone that wanted to, could have shown up to check him out. And I guarantee that in any of the places that a potential OW had shown up, with his photo in hand, looking for him, our friends would have pointed me directly to her or would have pointed me out to them and told them to ask me. And boy, wouldn't THAT have been pretty!

scared&stronger posted 6/30/2013 18:05 PM

I was found on a much smaller site...though fWH told OW I was there.

solus sto posted 6/30/2013 18:34 PM

I am far more cautious than I was when first posting on SI; Mr. Trac-fone and his married soulmate had a penchant for mining my posts for pain, which they used, variously, to hurt me or to justify their continued affair. They were vicious.

I'm relaxing a bit, because I am nicely detached at this point, and really don't care, any more, what happens to either of them. But in the immediate aftermath of d-day, it was agonizing.

brkn_heartd posted 6/30/2013 19:39 PM

I believe we can be found if enough clues are left. I keep a few of my clues cloudy. If someone finds me they were looking VERY, VERY hard.

allfalldown posted 6/30/2013 20:12 PM

I love the support here. I was feeling a little crazy before but thankful for a place to give voice to my crazy. Thank you for the responses. I am glad I was cautious and it seems rightfully so. I am now working on a "cloudy" and careful version of my story.

scissorhands posted 7/1/2013 01:13 AM

nI believe there is no such thing as anonymity on any website.
The funny thing about my discovery of my husbands activities was I had been googling his work nickname and it was only a matter of time before I discovered it all.

Nothing is anonymous.

cdnmommy posted 7/1/2013 03:18 AM

I used to be more concerned about MOW identifying me than I am now. She stalks me on LinkedIn, so I'm sure if she looked hard enough she could figure out who I am. I doubt she has. To do so would require mining through a lot of posts. But if she has, I don't much care. I'm sorry for her if that is how she chooses to spend her time.

tushnurse posted 7/1/2013 10:26 AM

I think if someone wants to find out who you are, and all that they can. However I think SI does a great job of keeping things as anonymous as possible.

I am fairly certain that anyone who knows me, that is on here, would be able to pick up who I am in a heartbeat, and I'm ok with that. However my personal situation didn't go down the road to where it could be a problem, and intially I held my cards close.

I have shared the site with many people who are going through similar struggles, and seem lost. Hoping that they can get some of the same support I did in those early days.

cryingdaily posted 7/1/2013 10:38 AM

How anonymous you are here on SI is up to you.

When I first came here, I was concerned about anonymity so I kept certain details quiet and posted only in general terms.

There have been very rare occasions where people recognized each other from posts. I know two BS's that accidentally discovered each other here. But again, that is a very rare instance.

Over time, I have let my anonymity disappear but that was my choice.